REVELATIONS OF A WEIGHT WARRIOR: TRISH CARR, A TESTIMONY FOR MOMS AND DAUGHTERS: PART II (Issue 35A)
By Diane Gold
This is the second of three parts based on an interview with Trish Carr, a speaker, author and leadership expert, who has, in her words, “gotten rid of 100 pounds,” rather than “losing” them, because she certainly doesn’t want to look for them again.
What actually made you gain weight, if you can remember, and if you would like to share that?
You know, because it’s been a lifelong issue, I can tell you that what makes me eat is what makes me gain weight. And that is, let’s see. It runs the gamut of happy, sad, frustrated, angry, elated, joyful, you name it. If I’m emotional about it…
Bored is big.
Bored is big. The worst thing for me is the couch. If I’m sitting on the couch, I’m thinking about what I can eat. So, I’ve got to stay relatively active.
SECRET WARRIORSOFWEIGHT.COM EXERCISE
Have you ever tried sitting on the couch sitting on your hands?
It’s really fun. It’s also a very interesting way of doing an abdominal exercise.
1) You put your palms flat on the couch, which means the back of your palms is going to be right under your coccyx.
2) And you just hang out there.
3) You tuck your butt.
4) And you raise your shoulders a slight amount.
While you’re on the couch, why not work?
5) Hold for between 15 and 30 seconds.
This exercise can be done sitting on the couch or lying on it. Make sure to keep the back straight and elongated so that the abs are working the whole time.
NOTICE THE STRAIGHT BACK ON BOTH PHOTOS
The top photo has no pillows to obstruct the view of the straight back. For those who are just beginning working on the abs, a pillow is a good choice so as not to strain the back or neck. In the second (lower) view, the fluffy white pillow is lifted up by position of the hands to hide the straightness of the back; the back is NOT caving downward but is straight, as in the upper photo.
This exercise can decrease the appetite and make us feel very focused, powerful and confident.
Let’s say you wanted to help moms of 13-year-old girls who were an extra love size. (There’s a fashion designer who has a size extra love, extra extra love, so I love that expression ‘cause a lot of times girls don’t want to hear “big, large, extra weight.”)
We will be featuring Sabrina Barnett, Empowerment Clothing, in the coming weeks. Watch for it on July 16.
Right away, we know that the daughters are going through or will going through hormonal changes. They’ll be feeling unattractive because they have pimples, their body changes and now they have a little extra weight ‘cause their muscles are also growing.
And they’re probably ready to fight with their moms because they are going to be going through feelings of wanting to be independent and also feelings that they don’t belong.
So what would you say to moms from your experience with weight, knowing what you know about the eating cycle that would put moms on the right track to communicate effectively with their daughters so that the daughters don’t snap at them or ignore them?
And partly, I’m asking you this because you deal with a lot of people and you’re a speaker and you also coach people individually. So I know that you know the human reaction spectrum. So I’m asking on that level. How can you help moms approach their daughters, or can you not?
That’s a good point. Can you not!
LEAD BY EXAMPLE
The most important way to help your daughter is to model the behavior that you want your daughter to have. And not be obsessive about it. It’s just, ‘Oh, this is how I eat,’ not, ‘Oh, I’m watching what I eat so I can stay thin and I can look good’ because then it becomes around looking good and not feeling good and being confident. …”
ARE YOU THE RIGHT PERSON?
You know how often we, as moms, jump right in to come to the aid of our daughters – or so we think. Here’s a great point that I consider every day with my own daughter so as to be supportive and considerate without being intrusive and selfish. I have a lot to learn.
…And as far as the conversation with your daughter, depending on your own relationship with your daughter, you know that your daughter often times won’t hear you, but the same thing can come out of a friend’s mouth or a sibling’s mouth and they’ll get it; so you’ve got to question whether you are the right person. And if you are the right person, then the conversation goes to,
‘Hey, look. I’m here to help. All I want to do is make your life the best that it can be. So you tell me what I can do. I can give you a couple of suggestions on what I think might help. But,it’s all up to you, and it’s all your choice what you want.’…
The worst part was when I was a fat kid, and my mother would want me to go on a diet or help me lose weight when she wasn’t doing it herself.
This goes back to leading by example. I asked Trish her feelings about the double standards her mother was conveying of asking her to go on a reduction diet while not progressing in that direction herself.
The same thing with anything that your parents do, ‘Do what I say, not as I do.’ …There was no way she was going to give me buy in in doing anything if she wasn’t doing it herself.
Yeah, be the example.
Absolutely. You’ve got to model what you’re looking for.
So the other thing to remember is that if your kid is overweight and you’re not, then they’re constantly beating themselves up. They are not happy. They are not comfortable. I was not a happy kid inside. Outside, I was fabulous. I was outgoing, But, internally, I was like, oh, my god, I’m so fat, I’m so fat. It would make me want to put another doughnut in my mouth.
I mentioned how daughters think moms will never understand. And we discussed the circumstance when the daughter may be overweight, and the mom is not overweight so the daughter is going to think, doubly, that the mom will not understand.
I asked Trish how a mom could maintain a daughter’s privacy and still get her daughter to believe in her and believe there is no competition. Trish brought up the point of our belief in our daughters.
TRUE BELIEF IN DAUGHTER
It’s all about seeing them for who you believe they are and not who they appear to be at the moment. So, if you see your daughter as confident, strong and powerful and you speak to her in those terms, then that’s what she will become. But if you say that she is confident, or you say to her, ‘Oh, you’re beautiful,’ or you say, ‘You’re a confident young girl,’ but you don’t really believe it, then the truth will no hit her. She’ll know that you’re insincere and there’s an inauthenticity there.
So the first place you’ve got to look is at yourself. Do you really believe that that’s who your daughter is.
I thought that was a tremendously good point. Often times, we, ourselves, get stressed out by the difficulties of our daughters, such as unhealthy weight in our daughters. We may lose sight of how much we really believe our daughters and focus on the the negative. This doesn’t help.
I mentioned how one of panel psychologists pointed out that when parents come to him to work with their children, the biggest thing is to work on the parent.
Trish talks about her having supervised a large staff of people as training manager (a mentor or parent-type role). She talks about a woman’s coming to her who thought she was shy. She expressed that nobody ever comes to her for ideas.
In this woman, Trish saw something special. Trish’s nurturing instincts come out here as she says,
“That woman had something to share that no one else had tapped into. I just treated her as if she were fully self-expressed, as if everything she had to share was really important;
and she blossomed because I did that.
BELIEF ACTION STEP
“And you have to do the same thing with your children. You’ve got to see in them what they don’t yet see in themselves.”
And the other thing is when it comes the whole food situation, the bottom line is having food in the house that really delicious, that they can open the ‘fridge and get it.
FOOD ACTION STEPS
WHAT TO COOK
Trish’s Method: She shops and cooks on Sundays to have things on which to munch:
1. Fresh beets.
2. Stir fry.
3. Veggies on the grill.
WHAT TO MUNCH ON
I’m a muncher. And I’m not changing from that. So I need to have things in [the refrigerator] that I can munch on that are good for me and that I really find delicious. Not, like my mother would say, ‘Have an apple,’ or ‘Have a carrot.’
But you give me grilled vegetables that have balsamic vinaigrette on them – that’s good!
HOW TO STIR FRY THE VEGGIES
1) The easiest, fastest thing to do is cut up a bunch of vegetables,
2) throw them in a pan,
3) stir fry them with a little bit of soy sauce,
4) if you like curry, take a little bit of … curry, mix it with soy sauce and throw it on there,
5) stir them, and you’re done.
6) Then, they can sit in the refrigerator for 3 or 4 days; and you can eat them every time you’re hungry.
7) SPECIAL TIP: make it pretty with red pepper and carrots. Make it vibrant looking.
FOOD ECONOMY TIP
I go to the farmer’s market and spend $12 to $16, and it feeds me for the whole week.
This dollar figure refers to fruits and vegetables, excluding protein. This means that, instead of buying 3 bags of junk chips or cookies a week, following this buying model, we could eat nutritiously wonderful snacks for the same or less money. And, of course, we’d be improving our health.
We have some really important tips in this piece on how to help our daughters with weight, the biggest of which is sharing our true vision and belief in our daughter.
The tip on how much Trish spends on her munchies may help put things into perspective. As a vegan, my fruit and veggie bill exceeds this, but it is an indicator of how well we can eat for a small amount of money.
We love your feedback. You make up the WarriorsOfWeight.com community.
DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR
Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom.
She is most pleased with the number of people who are getting involved in this story-telling part of WarriorsOfWeight.com. Diane says,
“We all have these fascinating stories to tell, some about pain, some about pleasure, some about frustration, some about joy, others about failure and its levels up to success.
We should all have the opportunity to be heard, be nurtured and grow. I will work to create such an environment.”
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