THE HABIT OF FORGIVENESS: HOW TO FORGIVE WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE, 7 WAYS (ISSUE 109)

By Diane Gold

“Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you.”

This quote is associated with  Lewis B. Smedes, author of The Art Of Forgiving. It is also associated with Corrie ten Boom, author and Dutch protector of Jews and resistance workers during World War II. When Corrie, who was imprisoned for hiding Jews and those who didn’t support the Nazi way, came face to face with one of her captors, she walked the walk of forgiveness. She and one of her former concentration camp guards came face to face. They held hands, and she forgave his acts, according to review of her book, which mentions that, in her experience, those who are able to forgive are best able to rebuild their lives.

Forgiveness author, Smedes, quotes,

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

This is the way habit change works. We don’t get rid of it; we replace it with a new action and reward.

THE CUE

All of us have experienced hurt, whether it is a small trauma in our lives or an unspeakable wound that is life changing. We always attach the event to a person or people involved. If that person or group had not hurt us, we would not be hurt.

Being hurt is the cue that triggers our action.

THE ACTION

In many cases, we are led to defensive behavior. For small infractions in our lives, we may cry, stomp our feet or laugh it off. For larger, more devastating experiences, we may go to a support person or group. Whatever action we take leads to a reward of some kind.

THE REWARD

The reward we experience from crying is relief from the outlet. Same with stomping our feet. These behaviors help us cope. We may have a moment of patting ourselves on the head through crying or foot stomping. When we laugh something off, we are experiencing the joy of living and being able to deal well with discomfort. Not always possible.

For larger events, being supported by others leads to being able to cope with a situation. Coping is our reward.

ACTION AFTER TRIVIAL HURT

Here’s a good place to mention that trivia is in the eyes of the beholder. If we think we have been wronged, then we act in a way to get comfort. What is trivial to you may be traumatic to me.

I am reminded of one of my neighbors who often holds on to the spats she has with local merchants. When she feels violated by the merchant, her action is to talk about the experience at length and to announce that she will no longer patronize the merchant. This leads her to her reward, getting recognition for her plight and for personal grandeur.

With any trivial hurt, people act timidly, angrily or in a tempered manner.

ACTION AFTER IMMEASURABLE HURT

Once we are hurt in a life changing way, we still act timidly, angrily or in a tempered manner. We probably reach out for support which brings us the reward of lessening the pain.

UNDERLYING OUR HURT

As we all know, we feel more than one thing at once, such as anger and vulnerability or happiness and confidence. Next to these emotions, we place responsibility for our being hurt on someone; often we put it on ourselves. Other times, we put it on the person or group who created the hurtful situation.

When this underlying responsibility lingers, and it usually does, we are blaming someone. This is part of the reward phase when we blame others. It helps us cope. It is reverse reward when we blame ourselves.

Either way, that’s where developing the habit of forgiveness comes in.

DEVELOPING THE HABIT OF FORGIVENESS

There are 3 scenarios when we were hurt:

1) it was our fault.

2) it was someone else’s fault.

3) it was no one’s fault.

In the first 2 scenarios, the forgiveness habit can move mountains. People do religious rituals, go to forgiveness classes, go to support sessions, read forgiveness books, all in order to learn to forgive. These avenues are fabulous. Every one of them develops a new pattern of action when we feel hurt, just like the way we develop or change any other habit. And just like with any other habit, we have to replace the old habit for the new one to be currently accessible.

WHY FORGIVENESS?
The reason it’s so important to forgive is because blame eats us up. We may think that if we mortally hurt the responsible person, we will be healed. This is one of our baser instincts that is worth looking at. It’s not legal to wound someone, so it’s not a solution. It’s not moral to wound someone. It’s not wise to stoop to the bad behaviors of others. This is where forgiveness comes in.

HOW TO FORGIVE?

How to forgive? We must develop it.

People have always thought of me as a forgiving and understanding person. They have not seen me in the face of being assaulted, having family members hurt, being cheated out of money, having a car accident because of a drunk driver. Fortunately for me and mine, I have not had to experience all of these atrocities, although some have crossed my path. I don’t feel cool, calm and collected when I am hurt. But, I do have certain methods of dealing with forgiveness that I will share.

When people lash out and hurt us, they are insecure, self-absorbed, immature, impatient, fearful and hurt from a broken heart. They have become this way because someone has taken a part of their life, and they have not been able to forgive it. Do they always know it? No. In the odd cases where this is not the case, the individual is usually broken in some other way.

Every time we get hurt, we must look at how ethical we have become, how much we have grown as humans. Even if we have had a bad day every day of our lives, someone has had it worse. If we have 4 limbs, we’re ahead. If we went to school, we’re ahead. If we have a toilet, running water and have seen a doctor, we’re ahead.
Just because others are in worse shape is not going to develop forgiveness in us. However, this concept can prepare us for new action.

The hardest thing to forgive is when someone hurts our child. It is unthinkable that we could ever forgive this. Deep hurt might be 50 years old, and we still sit with it. Does it help if we sit in anger, torment and vengeful scheming? No. We are probably shortening our lives. And, yes, this feels like the right thing to be doing. Because we have let this behavior develop.

WHAT IF?

Here are some action steps that may lead us to begin the path of forgiveness. It is not impossible, no matter what it feels like. It’s like any other habit that requires a starting point and constant repetition. In the spirit of any holiday that may have to do with forgiveness, these action steps may be surprisingly useful.

ACTION STEPS

These steps are based upon our tendency to forgive someone who shows remorse. Even though the person who hurt us may not show it, and this lack of it can conjure feelings of revenge in each of us, these steps take us one step back in the life of the hurter who is still acting out revenge from the day she was hurt, in the first place. So the remorse is the acting out.

There is no justification for hurt; the explanation of why, though, helps us to forgive.

1)   When someone hurts you or your family member, think of the person as an abused child. Even if it is not specifically the case, in some way, it very definitely is the case. Take that thought action immediately. It will calm you down and allow you to help yourself forgive a person like that. Realize that you would make allowances for a child who had been hurt in such a manner.

Or

2)   When someone hurts you or your family member, think of the person as the victim of someone who stole her limb at an early age. Even if it is not specifically the case, in some way, it very definitely is the case. Take that thought action immediately. It will calm you down and allow you to help yourself forgive a person like that. Realize that you would make allowances for a child who had been hurt in such a manner.

Or

3)   When someone hurts you or your family member, realize that the person feels as small as a small crawling insect. Otherwise, the person would not take liberties with someone else’s life. It is not too difficult to forgive someone like this, especially someone who may have been made to feel this way all her life.

Or

4)   When someone hurts you or your family member, picture the hurter as having just experienced the same, exact hurt. Think of how surprised this person must have been and consider that it’s your responsibility to act well.

And

5)   When someone hurts you or your family member, join a group of people who have also experienced the same hurt. Type in your type of hurt followed by the word group in your favorite search engine or card catalog. Many groups await you.

And

6)   When someone hurts you or your family member, watch this trailer and decide if you want to watch the movie. It depicts The Parents Circle Families Forum’s group of bereaved Palestinians and Israelis, all of whom had a family member killed by the other side. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzJkBxQC4Tg

And

7)   When someone hurts you or your family member, realize that every negative thought or action we have or take creates negativity for the world. Likewise, every positive thought or action we have or take impacts the world in a positive manner. Consider choosing the positive road in the name of those who were hurt (including yourself) for the sake of the evolution of morality.

CONCLUSION

I believe that we are all one, that all energy falls into one big vat with all the positive and all the negative thoughts, emotions, actions. Therefore, the more goodness we bring, the more goodness there will be. Forgiveness is part of this pot. The more we contribute to it, the richer and more beautiful our civilization will become.

Happy Forgiveness Season. May we develop the habit of forgiveness and be the shining examples we all need.

FEEDBACK

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She believes we can develop forgiveness. It is one of the hardest habits to develop. She says,

“We don’t let go when someone hurts or our family. But that is commonly because we see the hurter as different from who we are and forget what makes most people hurt: being hurt. In looking at ways to forgiveness, we can go back to the life of the one who hurt us and realize the pain that is being acted out now.

“We are civilized and have will power. We were also raised with some sense of morality. With these traits, we have a chance at forgiveness. It may not happen overnight. I know it didn’t for me. But pre-planning and repetition will make it happen. And then, we will be free.”

THE BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS AND REVENGE (ISSUE 93)

By Diane Gold

We hear the words “benefits of forgiveness,” and we feel all mushy and tingly inside, feeling good about our ability to be good, moral people. When we hear the words “benefits of revenge,” most of us question whether there are any. The feeling of wanting to get back at someone who has hurt us is a natural, human reaction, according to evolutionary biologists, Martin Daly and Margo Wilson, whose research led them to study 60 societies and whether each had the words “blood feud” or “capital punishment” in evidence (as per Michael McCullough’s article, referenced below). 57 out of 60 did.

According to Michael E. McCullough, researcher at University of California, Berkeley, who wrote the article “The Forgiveness Instinct” in Spring, 2008, forgiveness is also a natural, human. He says,

“My research on forgiveness has led me to this unsettling conclusion: The desire for revenge isn’t a disease that afflicts a few unfortunate people; rather it’s a universal trait of human nature, crafted by natural selection, that exists today because it helped our ancestors adapt to their environment.

Since we, as humans, are social; we have developed a code of mores that define what is and is not acceptable reaction to various actions. We have laws that help regulate our actions, as well.

It might seem that forgiveness is an impossible task were it not for the threads of hope that make us human and make us change makers. We are all daughters; we are all sons. We, as parents, have the duty to educate and protect. When someone does something wrong, it is our duty to teach a better way.

But, oh, we are so complex.

As per Martin and Margo,

“Morality is the device of an animal of exceptional cognitive complexity, pursuing its interests in an extremely complex universe.”

What I get is that because of our complexity, we have the ability to choose how to deal with our innate forgiveness and revenge mechanisms.

It’s almost but not impossible to temper our lust for that joyous fire of revenge on auto-pilot. In modern-day society, it is often not a good choice to act on our revenge, other than to experience that momentary rush of personal power. And it’s always a good thing to reveal our forgiveness.

Animals act to survive. Sometimes, we perform a vengeful act to feel satiated, even if we know the act is not necessary and is hurtful. Is our fancy of hate and revenge so important, even if it doesn’t help our circumstance and although it is damaging?

I am not speaking about the need to retaliate in order to preserve our lives or our way of life, no. I am questioning “an eye for an eye” without good reason. I was raised in the “make love, not war” era which developed in response to the loss of international life in an era of war in Vietnam. Eye For An Eye Imbalance

CULTIVATION OF FORGIVENESS

I know that forgiveness trumps revenge (when it’s not about survival). I also know that educating new ways to respond to hurtful deeds needs to be a more common option. It is always more courageous to put out a hand of forgiveness, especially if we have done so one minute ago and been scorned. Always one more attempt at a peace offering is the way to educate and cultivate forgiveness.

CONCLUSION

We have talked about intrinsic traits of our humanity: forgiveness and revenge. With repetition, we can choose how to act. We don’t go around clobbering people who hurt us; we turn toward our laws. We sometimes choose to talk to our attacker about the behavior and its effect on us. We also may choose to educate her. The education process is one of the hardest since, despite our efforts and our honesty, the aggressor who has hurt us may show no remorse and may spit in our face.

It’s so much easier to be charitable to someone who regrets her act, much more difficult to be magnanimous toward someone who laughs at our pain and is happy about causing it. Having the capacity of grace in this instance shows our choice to build meaningful lives. We can walk away, keeping our anger in; we can be confrontational and let our anger out; we can peacefully talk through our anger; we can train ourselves in forgiveness. As recycling cartoon character, Captain Planet, used to say,

“The power is yours.”

Here are some actions that can benefit us. The actions are a process toward becoming more evolved beings. As with all changing habits, we need to repeat the steps in order for them to take effect.

IMPORTANT NOTE

We are going to treat revenge as an addictive chemical substance, one that does not benefit our life or the lives of the community, as if we are addicted to it and are replacing the habit with forgiveness. Yes, we can keep in mind that standing our ground or defending what is ours can protect the survival of our kind and our community. But peaceful alternatives are always a better option.

The lines are not so far apart between taking vengeful action and defending our home. And the lines blur easily. Should we repeatedly act with kindness in our heart, we will see the benefits of forgiveness. We easily can make the better choice and be better equipped to know when we act from bruised ego or from the need to protect our way of life, with work, will and focus.

ACTION STEPS

1) Look for your vengeful feelings, and recognize them as soon as they appear. Applaud this recognition.

2) Reach out immediately and tell someone of your vengeful thought or act. It is not important that most human beings are wired to feel vindictive. It does matter that humans temper their spirit.

3) If appropriate, tell the person who wronged you what s/he did in calm, kind words and how it made you feel. Discuss another option that would have been better for you.

4) Look for the times you have feelings of forgiveness, and recognize them as soon as they appear each time. Be happy, and see how to replace revenge with this forgiveness.

5) Pick one special activity to do when you feel the revenge bug coming on such as dance for a few minutes, jump rope for one minute or call a friend. It must be pre-planned in order to be ready for the moment of decision, to make it useful. This preparation avoids stomach ulcers and regret.

6) Go take the Forgiveness Quiz, based upon Michael McCullough and colleagues’ research scale:

The Forgiveness Quiz

7) Come back to comment at:

http://warriorsofweight.com/the-benefits-of-forgiveness-and-revenge.

Think of all the ways in which we have learned to control ourselves. We can make revenge one of those ways. Think of all the good that comes from forgiveness. We can consciously pump it up.

Let’s get started now.

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FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

As of late and because of the climate of our world, she has been looking at whether environment or nature is the cause of forgiveness and revenge. She says,

“It would be easy to say we could work on our behavior and then, in generations, if we gave good example and showed forgiveness and not revenge, the latter would go away.

“No! It’s in us for survival reasons. As humans with high thought process, we CAN realize when revenge is for survival and when it’s only for ego. We can temper ourselves. That’s why I equate forgiveness and revenge with any habit of substance, emotion, gambling or ice cream; it will always be there, but doesn’t always require an action.

“We have choices, and, because of our “exceptional cognitive complexity,” we can make great ones. Let us all team together to step toward enhancing our forgiveness in substitution for our revenge, when possible.

“We’re all connected, so let each of us take part in working the benefits of forgiveness and revenge.”