HOW IS PARENTING A CHALLENGING CHILD LIKE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT? (Issue 20)

by V. Mark Durand, PhD

After decades of research and millions of dollars spent on diets, we now know the secret to losing weight—eat fewer [empty] calories and move more! Not exactly a major new headline, yet millions still struggle with this simple strategy. Why? Because our thoughts and emotions get in the way of making better choices (e.g., eating healthier foods, getting more exercise). Anxiety can cause you to lose your willpower and eat that chocolate cake. Stress and thoughts of your past failures make you once more skip that trip to the gym. Our new research is finding that some of the same obstacles that interfere with successful weight loss also face parents who are challenged by their child’s outbursts. Despite hours of parent training, many families simply are not able to follow through on the techniques they learn because of interfering thoughts and emotions.

Picture a child screaming in a supermarket for a candy bar. Now put yourself in the place of the child’s parent. What are you thinking or feeling? If you are like almost half of the families we serve, you might be thinking what a catastrophe this is. You are becoming anxious and feel that all eyes are on you. You might also be feeling judged as a bad parent and can’t wait for this to stop. And because this seems to happen so often no matter what you try, you think that your child is just not capable of behaving. Despite your better judgment you decide to give your child the candy because you know the tantrum will end. Negative thoughts about your skills as a parent and perhaps about your child’s ability to improve seem to get in the way of good parenting skills—sometimes “giving in” just to keep the peace.

In our 5-year study across two research sites in Florida (University of South Florida, St. Petersburg) and New York (SUNY at Albany), we recruited families who had a child with significant behavior problems (e.g., severe tantrums) and who self-reported being pessimistic about their abilities as a parent and their child’s ability to change. These parents would often make statements like,

“I feel that everything is out of control,”
or
“I get upset because I feel others are judging me as a parent.”

One group received 8 sessions of behavioral parent training which included finding out the reasons behind their child’s disruptions and showing them various methods for reducing these problems. A second randomly assigned group received the same 8 sessions of parent training with the addition of “optimism training” (adapted from the pioneering work of psychologist Martin Seligman).

Here we taught them to become aware of the interfering thoughts and taught them skills to either distract themselves (sometimes with humor) or perhaps substitute the negative thoughts with positive ones (“I have a plan for dealing with this tantrum and things will get better.”). They learned both how to help their child but also how to be more positive and hopeful in their application of these plans.

At an invited address at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association this summer in Washington, D.C., I presented the results of this study. First, it was encouraging to note that the children from families in both groups improved their behavior at home significantly after only 8 sessions with the parents. And the group that received the optimism training reported even larger improvements in their child’s behavior than the group that did not receive this form of cognitive behavior therapy. Interestingly though, when we looked at how the children were behaving at home through videos before, after and one year following treatment, the child from both groups were better behaved, but not significantly different. Why would the parents from the optimism training group report bigger improvements?

To answer this question “we went back to the video tape” and looked at what the parents were doing with their children to make them better behaved. What we found was shocking. In the families who only received parent training, we saw that they became experts at avoiding problems. For one mother whose son tantrummed at bedtime, she adapted the routine by lying down with him in bed and let him watch television until he fell asleep. He was much better at bedtime now, but this was not our goal. We wanted him to get to the point where he would go to bed and fall asleep on his own. She and other parents in this group just became better at avoiding problems—a process we call the “Concession Process.”

On the other hand, parents who received the optimism training did not concede to all of their child’s demands and persisted in getting their children to do things like put their toys away or get dressed without problems. Their optimism training helped them to keep it up and not concede.

This work points out how important it is to look closely at how our treatments actually work. An important goal in clinical research—much like what is done in medicine—is to find the active ingredients in the treatment. It may also teach us to talk to clients about these cognitive obstacles (“What were you thinking to yourself when this happened?”) to following through on our suggestions.

CONCLUSION BY DIANE GOLD

We sometimes think we are alone in our quest, whether it be parenting a difficult or diagnosed child, journeying to weight loss or climbing Mt. Everest. We are not alone. Because we are not alone and we share so many traits with others, we can learn from each other. We are best off using a system created by an expert to get there, be that a psychologist, a nutrition and fitness expert, a master mountaineer or ourselves, through trial, error and intuition. When we encounter a hurdle along the way, the system will help us through.

Although  many scientists now point out that calories from different sources provide different results in our body, no one disputes that healthy food and moving more are the keys to renewed health, happy weight and complementary behavior training.

From this article, we can see how breaking down the issue trains for success.
Because we all learn differently, a technique for one person may not work for another. However, one of Durand’s assets is in putting forth solutions that are surprisingly simple, yet so intense as to be used with ease in many areas.

FEEDBACK

We value your feedback. Please leave your comments or questions below this article.
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V. MARK DURAND, PhD, AUTHOR

Mark Durand is a world renowned psychologist and professor at University of South Florida known for his work with autism spectrum disorders. He has received seven figure federal grants to study this group. He is co-editor of the Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, is on various editorial boards, is a journal article reviewer, a long-distance runner and has been a consultant with the U.S. Departments of Justice and Education. Mark has authored three books, the newest of which is Optimistic Parenting. You can grab a copy at warriorsofweight.com in our resources section.

DIANE GOLD, PUBLISHER

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes we can learn so much from each other’s experience. She says, “The more we see our similarities, the more we can understand each other and ourselves.”

MOTHER-DAUGHTER ANTI-COMMUNICATION AND HOW TO FIX IT (Issue 19)

by Diane Gold

It is the difficult interaction between mothers and daughters that requires all the courage in the world. The way this mom and daughter are communicating can be classified as ANTI-COMMUNICATION. Not all families experience it. Most do. But there’s no mistaking it when it starts to break down and erase effective human interchange. Every word exchanged or action shared sets the other off.

The cause is always internal to the individual, although it feels as if a razor gun is being pointed at us by the other person at the moment of deepest struggle. This very human tipping point occurs when neither the mom nor the daughter speaks to communicate. Each speaks at each other with anger, frustration, bravado, hurt, resentment, exhaustion, despair, disappointment, sadness. (Writing this brings back many memories of my speaking cruelly to my mom because of my own weaknesses. I don’t know how she handled it, other than that she was my mom and it was her job of love.)

True, the mom is the adult and authority and, according to one assessment, is the one who chooses whether to fix the situation or not. But this is often easier to say as an outsider that when it is happening in our lives right then and there.

Because there are so many people struggling with their daughters, I am going to include below an excerpt from my new consulting package.

Upon first glance, it looked as though the mom in our story is at her breaking point because she yells (or rages) instead of mediating in response to her daughter’s tantrums. But let’s take a closer look at why this is. This mom works 10-hour days, 6 or 7 days a week, has no support from and difficulty with other family members, has no health insurance which might help to pay for counseling, has other financial challenges which most of us have and is dealing with her daughter’s maturity, puberty and rebellious nature, common in the teen years.

The daughter has her school frustrations, issues with extra weight, also so common in puberty, fights with her sibling and is a latch key teen whose parents do not come home from work until 9 at night.

As one mom said when asked what she would do to help the communication between the mom and the daughter; she would sit down with the daughter and tell her what the rules are today. I agree with this. and believe that the rules that the mother wanted had not been clearly outlined to the daughter before the problems started. Now that the difficulties are here, clarification is one of the best strategies.

If the mother-daughter relationship is volatile, it is highly unlikely that the daughter will sit with the mother unless another program is brought in that is run by a third person. Eventually, the daughter will trust the mom again, especially when the mom shows that she will give up ultimate control, temporarily, for the sake of her daughter.

That’s where my step-by-step consulting program comes in.

The following information is an excerpt from Diane Gold’s Step-By-Step 24 Consulting. By reading this, we ask that you not take pieces of this program and use them. Either use the whole sequence or don’t use it at all. It is simple, involves a consultant or third person for accountability and accuracy and requires faith in self.

Furthermore, if you choose to read it, we ask that you not repost it. Also, please report how the experience goes by leaving comments using the feedback info below.

INITIAL MOTHER/DAUGHTER COMMITMENTS REQUIRED TO BEGIN

1) Both mom and daughter agree to include a consultant, middle person or mediator and no other person shall be present in a beginning consult. A professional with experience is preferred, even if it a volunteer.

2) Both mom and daughter agree to have this consult at a table outside the house or work, even if it’s in a public library or a beach picnic table. It is preferred that the table be 3 feet or more wide and 5 feet or more long.

3) Both mom and daughter agree to answer, honestly, questions about themselves.

4) Both mom and daughter decide whether to be recorded so that they can review their session, learn from it, remember it and pass it on to help others.

5) Mom and daughter agree not to discuss the specifics of this consult or anything about the program, itself, with any other family member or friend or school mate until directed to by the consultant, other than that she is involved in a special consulting or counseling program for a week. The reason for this is that not every family member or friend will agree with the technique, and the decision to go ahead with it should be the decision of the mom and the daughter. No one else. Therefore, no comments from anyone can be helpful at this point. And objections from others will be hurtful.

For those families who tell each other everything, I want you to think back to the time that you didn’t tell the family about the abdominal gas you experienced from the spicy food you ate last month. This will make you recognize that you don’t share everything and that there is a time and a place for optimal sharing. Once there is success, there will be time to share.

MOM & DAUGHTER FIX – ONE WEEK COMMITMENT WITH RIGHT TO QUIT IN ONE DAY

1) Mom and daughter commit to work very hard to let their interactions with other family members be separate from this very special interaction with each other. They will both do this by a hand shake or hug each morning or night.

2) Mom and daughter commit that for this one week, shorter or longer as decided by joint decision of mom and daughter, no added questions will be asked other than those written into the program.

3) When times get tough, mom and daughter will remember this is only a one week commitment with the right to quit at the end of the day. But during the day that is committed, follow the protocol.

HERE ARE THE RULES

1) No interaction is left to chance, so all rules must be followed. Everything is planned to result in specific, civil interaction with clear progressive outcome so that there are no misunderstandings and so that both people agree to and know the new rules.

2) Mom and daughter will carry matching notebooks with this printed information in it and a pen with which to write. Both will have them available at all times (not left in car or school). The notebook must be completely blank and unused to start. No exceptions.

3) Mom and daughter will refer to the rule page every time when interacting at the specific time of day or for the specific activity.

4) Mom will buy daughter an alarm clock if she doesn’t have a working or loud enough one, teach her to use it and watch her daughter demonstrate that it works.

5) Mom will give up the responsibility of waking her daughter and transfer it to her daughter. She will require her daughter to wake up on her own. If daughter does not get up on time, she will miss her breakfast which is scheduled at a specific time in 11) below or her bus or both. Mom’s (who have a car) will drive daughter to school only 1X a month for missing the bus because of getting up late.

6) Mom commits to her daughter, even though she doesn’t have to, that she will say please when she gives a command, to show respect to the daughter.

7) Daughter commits to her mom that she will acknowledge the command by saying, “I don’t like this, but I will do this for you, because you are my mom and I respect you.”

8) Mom and daughter will not yell for the week of the program. Each can dream about the end of the week when she can yell, if this helps. When/if one person makes a mistake and yells, the other will put up the index finger as a reminder of this commitment (vertical only, no pointing). The mom will accept this behavior from her daughter as part of the week of training and consider that it is not a disrespectful act. The one who is not yelling will ask the following questions of the one who is yelling. If both are yelling, use the 1-2-3 shoot method or the dice method in 16) below to determine who asks first.

a. What emotion are you feeling that made you yell?

b. How long ago in minutes did you start feeling it?

c. What was one good thing that happened in your day, today?

9) No blaming words will be used at any time. When one of you finds the other blaming, the one who is not blaming will raise the index finger as reminder described in 8) above and ask

a. What emotion are you feeling that made you use blame words?
b. How can I help?

and declare

c. I respect you.

10) Mom and daughter will not whine or complain during the course of the program. When either feels the need to do it, she shall write it down in her notebook with the date, time, feeling she is having and reason she thinks she is having it.

11) Breakfast will be served at ___ o’clock. Breakfast will be over at ____ o’clock (20 minutes later). These blanks are to be filled in by the mom. Daughter will be required to be at table at this time if she wishes to have breakfast. Mom will choose and prepare breakfast which will be cleaned up promptly at the closing time. No exceptions.

12) Lunch will be prepared by daughter the night before to take to school. No lunch money for this week. Having the daughter take responsibility for her lunch will get her to plan ahead and see the consequences of not doing it.

13) If Mom works late and daughter is home alone, mom will
a. call her daughter at 4 o’clock (or when daughter will be home from school) to ask

i. How the day went

ii. What homework she has.

iii. What future tests or work she has.

iv. Tell her she loves her and is happy they are working together.

v. Tell her what snack is available to eat.

b. Call her daughter at 6 o’clock when mom will ask daughter to make her lunch for the next day (so that daughter can help out financially by saving money, even if the family does not have a financial hardship), plan what she would like available for the next day’s dinner and ask her to eat dinner.

c. Mom will call daughter at 8 o’clock to see whether she has cleaned up after dinner and to see whether she has made her lunch.

14) Daughter will

a. Respond cheerfully when mom calls.
b. Wait for those 3 times to speak to mom, unless she has an emergency.

c. Ask mom how her day was.

15) Daughter is responsible to do her homework.

16) Mom and daughter will decide whether or not to continue this program for another day in step 15).

17) At end of day, mom and daughter will step outside or go into a basement, garage, park, quiet room to ask each other 2 questions and say 1 affirmation. Each will listen to the words of the other. No other questions may be asked about this process during this week.

a. What did I like about the way we spoke to each other today?

b. What did I learn about myself today?

c. I affirm that I am ready to work with you tomorrow.

The person who answers first will be determined by the 1-2-3 shoot method, extending 1 finger or 2. The daughter wins if the number is odd. The mom wins if the number of fingers is even. Or, if inside, roll the dice if you have real ones or go to: http://www.bgfl.org/bgfl/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks1/maths/dice/ and use the six sided ones.

18) If mom and daughter are finishing the 7th day, mom and daughter will decide together whether they wish to continue to week two.

CONCLUSION

When we are so entwined in getting through the day, we sometimes forget about respecting each other and sometimes take each other for granted. No matter how bad our mother-daughter situation is, we are family. It is our duty as parents to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to lead our daughters there. We would protect them with our lives against an attacker; we must also endure the pain of forming them and reforming them again in the harder struggle of day-to-day living.

I was extremely fortunate that my mother forgave everyone immediately if needed and started each day with a clean slate. I live this way because of her. I don’t know how she survived my difficult behavior, which was much worse than a lot I have seen. But she was a mom. And she championed through it for me. (Thanks, Ma.) She also reached out to a support structure of professions for help.

Part of the forgiveness that we may need includes listening to our children’s ideas and frustrations even though we are so tired that we think we will drop. It also includes setting up a structure for our children right now, if one has not been set up beforehand or if that one has fallen apart, so that our children have a framework from which to live. As much as kids like to be independent, they need a foundation from which to be independent.

Part of the forgiveness children need may come from seeing their parents as human beings. This is pretty hard before you are a parent.

As the above set of techniques indicates, one step at a time can do wonders. When we answer questions about ourselves, we are directing ourselves away from slanderous talk about the other in the relationship and allowing the other to get to know us. When we follow through on goals for a day at a time, we have a great chance of succeeding at them and, ultimately, learning new ways of relationship building.

There are many free services available in the United States for getting help. If you don’t have the time to find them, please contact me and I will try to help. Watch for the opening of StepByStep24.com, where you will be able to take advantage of our one week trial and our entire consulting package. It’s an excellent program that will allow you to feel in control, powerful and bonded with your daughter. Get ready for this package. We will help you with an advocate for the program, too. May the force of one step get you to the next.

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This piece is dedicated to my mom, Gertrude Gold Koplowitz, and to all the mothers and daughters out there who are having a hard time making sense of their relationship with each other. There are many ways we can get along with happiness. We just have to work together to find them.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below and follow us on Twitter at WarriorsOWeight.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a consultant in music and stress and a dedicated mom. She has seen untapped powers become available in the name of love. She says, “We must place our frustrations in a box outside the door and access our reserve strength in the name of helping and saving our daughters.”

TAI CHI FOR WEIGHT LOSS: PREPARING FOR YOUR JOURNEY WITH WEIGHT (Issue 18)

Think, for a minute about baking a cake without first mixing the flour and water in the bowl. The cake would end up to be a clumpy, texture-poor mess. Or imagine joining a fighting championship without every having watched or studied fighting. Or what if the doctor we entrusted our surgery to had no medical training and had never done an operation before?

All these situations lack necessary preparation. We would prepare ourselves before running off the cliff with our hang gliders, right? We practice penmanship so that other people can read what we write. We practice in the mirror before we read our essay in school. The same holds true for taking on a weight loss program that could totally empower our lives.

One of the greatest tools to put us in a state of readiness is tai chi. What is it, exactly? It’s a method of exercise that teaches us to be patient, prepared, precise and powerful at all times. It’s a mind/body program that gives us a place to begin. We build a foundation of understanding how to be stable on our journey, and time reinforces the lessons as long as we do a little movement.

We as mothers very much crave to understand what makes our daughters choose to crave foods that put weight on them. Most of us are a little concerned in what ways, if any, our parenting skills have contributed to this behavior in our daughters, out of guilt (rather a waste of time), out of wanting to be able to teach better behaviors and, most often, just to make our daughters feel happier. We would give up all our analytical curiosity and even our own brow beating in a heartbeat if we could snap our fingers and see our daughters instantly be joyous in their bodies, beaming from ear to ear.

In this article, we will pinpoint several skills that tai chi is famous for. Doing it to any extent will decrease appetite almost immediately in most people. This phenomenon has to do with focusing the attention on the tai chi work, alone, with no time to defocus the attention. This is, of course, a general consensus and can fluctuate by individual.

PATIENCE

Tai chi teaches patience. The movements are so much slower than almost any other physical system which means that, in order to learn it, we have to direct our bodies to slow down. Many systems, such as kung fu, baseball, tennis, require elements of speed.

Tai chi requires us to slow down and move like a wave in a giant ocean of water. If we imagine the lines in a profile of the ocean, we can see each line rolling into the next. This is analogous to each body system moving harmoniously with the other. Here is a graphic representation of this concept.

So, let’s take that first step. In tai chi, it’s easy, because we don’t have to do much preparing. We begin by standing still. We continue by doing circular motions. Both these activities make us feel good. In doing so, we become patient with the way we feel, act, think, look, are. What’s so cool about the tai chi is that it produces its own endorphin rush every time we do it as we are learning the slow and simple movements. As we become smoother and more flowing with the movements, we teach our body and mind to be more powerful, abundant and patient. The tai chi almost engulfs us in positive energy.

Doing tai chi is a perfect complement to the journey to weight loss because it is a physical tool that shapes, tones and chisels the body as it mentally establishes the patience we need to achieve our weight goals.

BALANCE

One of the lessons in most physical movement activities is the art of balance. Tai chi is no different and is known for elevating balance in the body and mind at the same time.

The tai chi approach starts with stilling the mind and body. The lack of demand for rapid movement is what makes tai chi a great partner for the struggles with weight. Although we don’t have to overexert ourselves to do tai chi, the system is adjustable so that we can increase our effort as we see fit. It is a surprisingly full workout, no matter how much effort we give it.

The balance work in tai chi achieves three things:
1)    It gets us to establish a balance base line so we can see where we are to see where we want to go,
2)    It gets us moving our bodies so that we can succeed right away,
3)    It calms our mind and alleviates stress.

An example of a balancing exercise we do in tai chi is this:

The trick is to stand with a straight back, with the shoulders over the hips. No matter what else we do with the body, we need to make sure we keep the back straight. What happens to most people in most disciplines is that they are not aware when they are tipping backwards or forwards. So, once we have gone through this exercise, it might be a great idea to do it looking in the mirror to make sure the back is straight.

BIG TIP ONE: Make an effort not to judge whether you are or are not able to keep balanced during this exercise. If you are stronger and more balanced tomorrow than you are today, you have a success story.

BIG TIP TWO: If you compare yourself to yourself, you will be better able to concentrate on yourself and get caught in fewer traps.

This is a less than one minute balance exercise.

 1)    Stand straight with legs as close together as possible.
2)    Stand with heels together, toes apart, or as close to this as possible.
3)    Raise the arms in front of the center of the chest as if holding a big tree trunk or pillar.
4)    The palms should be facing the center of the chest.
5)    There should be a small space between the L and R hands.
6)    Relax the shoulders.
7)    Bend the knees a tiny bit.
8)    Keeping the back straight, slowly lift the R knee as you point the toe down.
9)    Hold this position for the count of 1, 1000, 2, 2000, 3, 3000.
10)    Slowly lower the knee so that the feet are in the 2) position.
11)    Keep the 3), 4), 5) position without dropping the arms.
12)    Repeat 7), 8), 9), 10) with the L knee.
13)    Slowly place the arms at the sides and let them hang with relaxed shoulders.

If you like the exercise, please do it daily for two weeks and let us know that you did so that we can send you a special bonus gift for your efforts.

MINDSET

Probably the biggest advantage tai chi gives to people on a weight loss path is mindset. As mentioned above, we have to prepare ourselves for the road ahead. I guess it’s akin to getting antibiotic shots when we are going to travel abroad. I was just reading about a retreat in Costa Rica where I am considering taking a group. Without the right shots, our bodies would be vulnerable to certain conditions in the area.

Similarly, if our mind is not ready, we have much less of a chance to succeed at our goal. If we don’t peel the old paint off, we don’t get a smooth new layer.

Tai chi creates a new layer, a new outlook on everything. It’s not magic; it’s effective use of our body parts. Instead of zooming through exercise, tai chi movement allows for deliberate use of every body part. That way, we don’t work out the core one day, the legs one day, the upper body one day. We work everything together with every movement. Not to say it’s the greatest discovery for womankind, but tai chi is pretty powerful because its inventors utilized movement that integrated all the body systems at once.

(Interesting note: While taking a 5-minute break after writing the last paragraph, I read an article by one of the most successful abs marketers. One of his fitness people lists 3 things I just wrote about: not isolating muscle groups on workout, not using different muscles on different days and not comparing ourselves to others. Important concepts.)

CONCLUSION

Tai chi is a miraculous invention for weight loss. There is no rush; there is no competition; the system easily allows complete adjustment on a per-person and on an ongoing basis. It works every part of us in a way that impacts the health of our mind and body without requiring our bodies to go on a roller coaster ride of endowment and deprivation as many programs do.

Tai chi is based upon ancient principles of ebb and flow. It is one of the easiest ways to relax and the easiest exercises to begin doing. It builds the foundation necessary to start an endeavor with the clear and patient mind. The physical balance it teaches translates to the emotional balance needed for a successful weight loss program. It gets the body in shape by building long, lean muscle and strengthens the joints and tendons. For further tai chi information, email me at 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot) com. For a special discount, just mention coupon code PATIENCE & WEIGHT LOSS.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below or on Twitter @warriorsoweight.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes that tai chi is important for the world. She says, “Five minutes of tai chi a day will make us powerful, compassionate, creative and healthy. Do it, at least, one time.”

SUBLIMINAL SEDUCTION:
HOW WE ARE SEDUCED AND HOW WEIGHT LOSS SUFFERS (Issue 17)

by Diane Gold

Before we talk about the myriad of times per day we are seduced by advertising, let’s go to the dictionary. Subliminal seduction is a type of allure that takes place covertly, not behind closed doors, but without being overt like a male peacock displaying his feathers to a female, under our awareness.

The word, subliminal, means stimulating below the threshold of consciousness but able to register a response. We could think of it as planting a seed in our mind that continues to grow, even though we don’t see it. The word, seduction, means persuasion and enticement.

Let’s ask ourselves how many times a day we are subliminally seduced? And how often does this happen to our children, our teens.

As kids, we watch TV and, through the programs we watch, we are seduced into wanting clothing, body art, toys, homes and FOOD that we see on TV. Since broadcast services are changing, a lot of advertising is focused on mobile devices.

With TV, if we can’t fast forward past it, we wait for a commercial to be over to watch the rest of our program and, even though we are multi-tasking on our computer, phone, tablet during the commercial; some of the marketing message aimed at us about some mouth-watering food, bathed in high fat (that clogs arteries), oil devoid of the good stuff (essential fatty acids and antioxidants) and very processed sugar (which always contains high calories and, when processed, offers no nutritional value) reaches us and, the next day, we want this very item when we are at the mall, coming home from sports or school.

Or, if we are teens, depending upon where we live, we can get off the school bus or drive ourselves to buy this treat ourselves with our lunch money, our savings from our summer job, or from money from not working anywhere because we get an allowance from our parents. We don’t realize this urge came from the commercial during last night’s TV show or the ad that came on when we were looking up something for our school assignment on our computer. And we learn this craving behavior for items that may not be healthy.

As adults, how many drug commercials do we see that are not relevant to us? So how is it that, when a friend talks about sleeplessness, we recite the name of some sleep drug whose commercial we thought we didn’t watch. Or when we have a back pain, we remember a sparkly celebrity associated with the drug whose commercial we didn’t think we watched, and we go out and buy the very brand the celebrity pitched because the celebrity is shiny and knows how to act. And then we get hungry from the back pain medicine, and we crave some of the food on the billboard down the block. Even though it is not on our diet plan.

Then there are the friendly fast food restaurants that have built a culture around our ignorance. We were pulled in by the special toys they give away and our belief that, if there are 5 major companies advertising sugar cereal for our kids, it must be good for them. Or if there are 6 major companies all competing for the burgers, fries and drinks market; they all must have studied the nutrition behind the food and it must be healthy and safe for us as consumers. After all, they all have salads, now, so that would make for a balanced meal. And the FDA wouldn’t allow them to be in business if their food was no good.

Seeing diverse cultures with perfect smiles portraying highly manicured magical food that came from a company that made donations to charity convinced us, until not too long ago, that fast food was part of our American dream and couldn’t be dangerous.  In the past 20 years, although food labeling (one of my studies) has not changed much in 40 years; we know that being bombarded with advertising convinces us of falsehoods. Internet advertising actually follows us around online based upon our previous search patterns, buying patterns and demographics including age of our kids. These ads can appear in the form of banners on top in the header, flashing ads on the side, video clips that automatically start playing or just plain text. There’s so much visual noise that we probably don’t realize we are being bombarded.

If it’s creative, glitzy and has flash and bang; it builds brand loyalty. More than half of us don’t realize we buy many of our products based upon whose face is on the product or what happy feeling we associate the product with. We also like feeling wise about knowledge departmemt. We forget to care that we might have been enticed or educated through subliminal seduction and that our knowledge could be tainted with the deception that goes with ad campaigns.

When I was a kid, there were glamorous commercials and ads with big celebrities advertising cigarettes. We wanted to be like these celebrities, so it is fair to say that we were directly influenced to smoke by glamourous, subliminal TV and newpaper ads. Of course, it was found that the ads caused us to smoke. The ban on tobacco advertising came in 1971; the Surgeon General’s tobacco warning was required in 1984.

When my children were very young, there was a very successful multi-national fast food chain that began a monumental advertising campaign that continues today. This company spent massive amounts of money on tantalizing, musically catchy persuasion to show off their food. Of course, that’s what an ad campaign is supposed to do, seduce us. The ads that were on billboards and in newspapers were overt.

The much larger and more damaging subliminal part is (and I say is because it continues today) that we, the consumers, are given an entire mis-education whereby we learn that  food is good if commercials are pretty, because the companies align themselves with special charities that help sick children, because they serve not one but 5 kinds of salads, so how could we not trust them to maximize this food with nutrition and safety?
One of our biggest failures today is that commerce has been allowed to develop without regard for the health and welfare of its consumers. We trust that, when our government agency puts a stamp of approval on food or drugs, we can trust that the research and testing that has gone on will keep us safe and well. Sadly, this is not the case.

So, what can we do for ourselves right now?

As always, we have a special action step that will be fun and helpful. We have a survey for you. If you are a mom (dad) reading this, share this survey with your daughter (or son) or do it together. We would like to hear your input. This should take no more than 10 minutes to do and there’s one secret solution to curbing the food urge that is fantastic and proven to work.

ACTION STEP: TAKE THE SURVEY HERE

http:/warriorsofweight.com/survey1

CONCLUSION

Subliminal Seduction is everywhere. Once we realize that point, we can begin to utilize it to our benefit. All we have to do is notice ourselves a little more closely. If we look at some of the outside influences that make us want to eat or go and eat; and if we use that one step in the survey; we may reach and maintain our goals more quickly.

It’s easy to be influenced if we are not paying attention. All we have to do is be observant.

FEEDBACK

We value your feedback. Please leave your comments below and twitter us @warriorsoweight.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes that, when we can learn a greater awareness if we put in a little effort. She says, “The secret formula is to put in a little time every day. A few minutes daily makes a huge difference.”

FDA’S ADVISORY BOARD FAVORS APPROVAL OF NEW OBESITY DRUG: Side Effects Of Increased Heart Rate And Birth Defects Put Aside

February 23, 2012

Vivas’ drug, Qnexa, a combination of the stimulant, phentermine, and the migraine/epilepsy drug, topirimate (branded as Topamax) wasendorsed by the FDA’s advisory company, even though it  rejected the same drug in 2010.

Obesity Action Coalition’s president, Nadglowski, mentioned that members have been frustrated because of the limited choice of obesity options. An assistant professor, Morrato at University of Colorado, Denver, noted the need for “better pharmacologic options for individual patients” This sentiment plus the fact that obesity, itself, causes health problems, may have contributed to the 11 to 2 vote in favor of this endorsement.

The FDA often listens to their outside advisory team and will make a decision as to the status of the drug’s application by April 17, 2012.

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Publisher’s Note: 

According to some figures, 80% of people who lose weight gain it back within two years. A University of California-LA study found that two-thirds of the dieters in their study gained back more than they lost in four or five years.

According to drug company data, the same is true of weight gained back when a weight loss drug is stopped. There is much evidence that the use of stimulants as weight loss technique, even in conjunction with exercise,  do not allow the patient’s body and mind to adapt to a new way of thinking and eating. This seems to be the biggest reason for weight gain after weight loss. Of course, there are situations where temporary loss of weight is essential and drugs can assist in this effort.

Even though we need options for weight issues, it’s important to consider the benefits of gradual, drug-free strategies that increase our knowledge; develop our understanding of our bodies and how they interact with food and benefit our metabolism and our lifestyle so that we can maintain good weight and not gain it back when we eliminate a drug. Although it’s very tempting to try a newly approved drug which might be better than our current sitation, we must look at the data and be discerning, even if the FDA chooses to approve Qnexa.

THE O WORD AND HOW EDUCATION DEVELOPS SENSITIVITY IN SPEAKING ABOUT WEIGHT ISSUES (Issues 16)

by Diane Gold

This article is written about the concept of extra weight and obesity in hopes that we will consider kindness and education for health and for to be kind, not because of what’s in it for us, other than wisdom (unless we value having it), but because of what we can give if we have a greater understanding.

But, wait. We can use our selfish nature to benefit ourselves, if we only think back to that one embarrassing moment when it all fell apart. Let’s think about the time we had a bathroom accident during the school assembly and our thoughtless classmate sitting next to us yelled out loud and exposed us to the whole auditorium or if we think about the time someone in our family passed away and the kids down the road laughed about it and said they were glad the person died because she was ugly or, when I was young, there was only one girl in the whole elementary school whose parents were getting a divorce. Everyone was talking about her because we were unfamiliar with the concept, thus we were ignorant. Now, divorce is as common as marriage, so its stigma has gone away. But, in the 60s, divorce had a stigma and my classmate was ostracized with whispering, gossip and pointing. No one was thinking about this girl’s loss of the privilege of living with both her parents under one roof.

STATISTICS AND MEASUREMENT

One way we measure our weight is by using the Body Mass Index. A great way to measure what this index defines is to feel whether or not we can pinch much excess skin around our body.  If we can, we are probably carrying extra weight (which scientists have deemed is unhealthy for our organs, our body systems and emotionally), and we have just used a less clinical, simpler method of defining whether our body mass index is high. There are suggestions below as to what to do should we find this in ourselves. The result of this index is what people usually see when they look our way.

Technically, Body Mass Index is a measure of the body’s weight in relation to the body’s height. Overweight refers to people with a Body Mass Index between 25 and 30, 20% or more above one’s ideal weight. The O word refers to people with a Body Mass Index over 30. There is a BMI calculator at our main website  homepage on the right hand. It may be helpful for our goals. And it’s free to use.

According to the 2012 update of the American Heart Association/American Stroke Association, around 1 in 3 kids between 2 and 19 carry too much weight, 1 in 6 having a body mass over 30. Compared to comparisons from 1973-4, the 2012 figures are 5 times higher. Why have we in the United States increased our weight? Is it abundant life style? Is it food scarcity where we are forced to eat the wrong foods? Is it the thought of scarcity? Is it our consumption-driven society, where we care more about selling product that teaching the correct paradigm for healthy eating? Is it that the stigma of having extra weight has skyrocketed? This seems to be the case, and due to the growth in this population, we notice more people who distinctly buy larger sizes and more advertising to address these consumers. There is a small group of 1 in 12-15,000 kids born with Prader-Willi Syndrome, a disorder of chromosome 15, which presents as insatiable hunger for life, but this condition does not apply to most people with more weight.

PREJUDICE

Both those who are large and those who are thin seem to show prejudice toward those who are large. This may come from lack of education and lack of sensitivity, fear of a situation not fully understood and self-deprecation. In 2012, we in the United States are legally protected against race/ethnicity, color, national origin, sex, disability, veteran status, or age prejudice at work and at school. (This does not stop the sadness from bullying when people violate this code and the victim does nothing, as happens most of the time.)

Although we know it’s not “nice” to reject people because of their looks, we are human and have reactions. Usually, we no longer call people with developmental challenges anything but developmentally challenged. Usually, we no longer call little people anything else.  Usually, we, in the United States, no longer call African-Americans, colored. So why are we still using words not based on human kindness for people who have more to love (MTL) in the O word category?

According to Richard Conniff, a writer for Men’s Health Magazine,

“prejudice comes from ignorance, and learning about [this] problem may be the only way to solve it in our society and ourselves.”

EDUCATION AND ACTION STEPS

In order to educate others, we must understand ourselves. If we take a small amount of time, we may find some enjoyment in the knowledge that will come from the following mental workouts. Here are some action steps that may help us to understand external prejudice, prejudice toward ourselves, personal options, group options, educating others, helping others and ourselves.

1.    Take the time to understand why our bodies gain weight, meaning where does the craving that drives us to eat come from. Is it a lack of a particular hormone such as leptin, one of the proteins that helps regulate when we stop feeling hungry? Or are we sad because of a particularly recent loss? Or are we doing no physical movement but eating more than we were because we are not moving and have nothing else to do?

2.    Take the time to consider why we would have an unkind reaction to someone with extra weight (even if we, ourselves, are more than our ideal weight). How kind are we in other areas of our life? Are we being understanding in all things or do we have some prejudice of our own to reduce and remove?

3.    Take the time to study our own bodies and how we feel about food and with food. Through deeper understanding, we can make more informed decisions about how we want to live and how we want to proceed.

4.    Take the time to discover whether we have made a personal choice to be large or whether our biology needs monitoring and whether we are happy with and proud of our weight and why. This is a truthful meditation we can do with ourselves, with a coach or with a network of people doing the same thing.

5.    Take the time to learn about eating well and evaluate whether we need more education or assistance. There is always more to learn. And there are always people to help.

6.    Take the time to consider seeing a food advocate or joining a support network to help implement the actions we choose to take, for ourselves or to help others by sharing our discoveries.

UNDERSTANDING

Craving food is like any other urge. It is physiological, (1) sometimes set off by emotions which activate chemicals and (2) sometimes set off by chemicals which trigger emotions and reactions. We must become educated and sensitive to our situation, instead of taking the ostrich approach. What I mean is that we can feel great about ourselves with a little book knowledge and a little self-love. Knowledge truly gives us the power we need not to bury our heads in our pillow in hopelessness the same way as the ostrich in this graphic is burying his head in the sand. There is a prejudice about the ostrich from which this image comes. He does not bury his head in the sand. The male ostrich digs such a deep hole for the protection of the ostrich eggs [5-6 feet] that it looks as if his head is buried in the sand. It is not. To avoid making judgments without full awareness, we need to educate ourselves.

CONCLUSION

Clinically, there is no issue with the word obesity. Scientists, who look after the truth, do not judge the condition in research and don’t point fingers. They only study their subject. It is we non-professionals, even if we know about the burden of extra weight, first-hand, who put a social value on it, through lack of education or through irrational (as all emotions are) emotional reaction.

It is said that calling an extra weight person a name is the last socially acceptable form of prejudice. When we are kids, we claw up the pole of life and hurt those in our path, until we gain understanding and nurture compassion. As adults, we usually don’t tease each other for having cancer, for losing a limb, for having ADD or for being a different color. The operative word is usually. Yet, the trend of tolerance and sensitivity has yet to reach people who judge the community of around 75 million people whose BMI is over 30, and the derogatory words of the last century are still being used with ignorance.

It would seem that the current generation is more compassionate than the last four as it is more exposed to technological speed and fresh and uncensored truth, there are multi-national cultures in all major areas in the United States and it is clawing up a new ladder to adulthood where its generation members typically have a network of 1000 international friends as part of their every day life.

So, tolerance for difference is built in. It is up to all of us, especially the moms and the older generations, though, to take a look at our own humanity, acknowledge our own prejudices, make an effort to dump them in the corner garbage can or, at least, put them in the closet in front of our children until we can delete or temper them, educate ourselves and then go out and educate others as to what we have discovered about body weight and what we have learned about being sensitive to our fellow humans.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below, use our contact us tab or on twitter us: @warriorsoweight.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu, fitness and meditation, a music and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes that doing slow, consistent physical work will build foundation of the mind that will maximize our happiness and health, even in the most difficult of times. She says, “As we are coming and going in our daily activities in life, we might as well exercise during the times we are transporting ourselves.”

FOOD EDUCATION; WHO’S DOING IT AND WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR IT? (Issue 15)

by Florence Bernard

In my constant endeavor to understand what is going on in schools, it has been one of my big concerns to comprehend the lack of emphasis on nutrition in schools in this country.

OK, I am French so I realize that I come from a culture where food has a different place.  But whether you almost worship quality food or you just feed yourself, the fact remains that your body needs certain nutrients, vitamins and calories to function properly.

I can’t tell you the number of headaches that get cured by a simple glass of water in schools.  Why?  Because kids either forget to drink or drink sodas all day long, which not only makes them more hyper but thirstier as well. Plus, they get a buzz at the time, don’t get any hydration and actually literally “crash” an hour later.

Needless to say, this is not a very productive way to live at school. Children who are half asleep don’t exactly perform very well.

The choice of food is also crucial. I once had a student who stopped at a well-known fast food drive through (which I won’t name to avoid any publicity!) every morning and wondered why her daughter was complaining of stomach ache every day and systematically missed the first class.

Yes, fast food served in those places has nothing good for you!  In case you didn’t know.
[Publisher’s Note: the marketing budgets for many fast food restaurants are vast, so the information publicized focuses on the flash and bang of selling and not the side effects of eating poorly. How do these companies generate wealth when their products cause so many negative results? They have a beautiful and systematic approach to running a business. Some have the simplest, almost fool-proof business model that can be respected from a commerce perspective. Whether these organizations have thought about how their food builds a mindset that mis-educates consumers, especially children, is an interesting topic. One would think that multi-nationals who have achieved such status would take a stand and help rather than lead the public in food myths. But that is a discussion for another day.]

I am not just talking about potential weight problems here. I am talking about energy levels, performance and moods. A lot of kids stuff themselves with chips and snacks that have no real nutrition all day long. In the end, they become aggressive because they are still hungry. If they don’t know it, their bodies do and express it.

Response and concentration levels are directly linked to nutrition and yet there is barely any effort to feed children properly. School lunches are, for the most part, lacking. School dieticians just fill kids’ stomachs and send them on their merry way.

Worse still, very little is taught about practical, everyday nutrition. Yes, in biology class, students learn about the different food groups; they learn about carbs, fats and sugars…But kids are not taught to EAT the right way.

I don’t know why there isn’t a What Should I Eat 101 course in every high school. Or even before. And if not a program for kids, there is certainly a need for parents to learn about food. Many parents think they are doing the right thing, but how should they know? They were never educated on the topic themselves.

So as a parent and to fulfill your responsibility, it is your job as a parent to make sure that you educate yourself about nutrition. And more importantly, you have to lead by example.  Kids eat what their parents give them. They crave for the treats that their parents have gotten them used to. If you start giving your kids healthy snacks when they are young, they will want healthy snacks.

Don’t listen to TV commercials. Do your own research and find out what will work for you and your family.  You don’t have to make drastic changes. That probably wouldn’t work anyway. But little by little, change your diet, change your habits and let your kids follow. You will see improvements in many areas of their lives.

CONCLUSION BY DIANE GOLD

After hearing about the lack of food ed in the schools, it’s important to do something. As Florence says, not listening to commercials and doing research will help.

When will we take the step to outline what needs to be taught in the schools? Almost like a project. Then conduct Food 101 in the home, and make sure your kids are proficient enough to bring up the discussion in school. That way, they can reinforce their knowledge, pass it on and develop the education process.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below and follow us on twitter: @warriorsoweight.

FLORENCE BERNARD, AUTHOR

Florence Bernard has that special way of being able to tell it like it is so that both parents and kids can benefit and follow her methods. The answer is usually in plain site.

Florence is an internationally acclaimed teacher, a parent consultant and the author of Better At School. She has developed strategies to get the best out of her students, their families and teaches them the joy of learning. You can read more about Florence on our Experts Page and get her book at: warriorsofweight.com/betteratschool.

I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR WEIGHT LOSS: 7 STEPS TO GET IT! (Issue 14)

by Diane Gold

In the past weeks, I have been hearing over and over again how people don’t have the time in their busy lives to work on their weight. I am going to talk about weight loss, but the same applies to weight gain of any kind. It also applies to many of life’s weights such as feeling sad, angry, bullied, alone or misunderstood.

Two weeks ago, I had a plumbing issue in my house. I became defocused because of it. I was fairly consumed about the hygiene of my house and whether the issue could be affordably resolved. Of course, I had to move rugs and furniture, clean floors multiple times and make multiple arrangements with plumbers. What I didn’t have to do was to choose to allow this issue to live in my head when I was not moving rugs, cleaning floors and talking to plumbers.

Part of what snapped me out of the plumbing crisis was the fact that my daughter, who lives near her vet medicine school, came down with the food-transmitted, week-long version of salmonella (intestinal bacteria) which included hospitalization. Thankfully, she is OK, and the plumbing pipes are fixed but too old to last long.

My systematic approach to time and creation management is in place most of the time. As we say in the martial world, we show our true selves in adversity, how balanced and prepared we are or are not.

I realized how fortunate I am that I follow my own program most of the 365 days a year for most years. It has brought me to want to share these seven steps that give us time for weight loss.

1)    GRATITUDE. The most important part of the day occurs as it begins. We get a chance to rejoice, to jump up and down with glee, to fill our hearts with warm happiness. Why? Because we awoke and have another shot at growing, creating something great, helping someone out and getting help ourselves.

This might sound like hype, but the alternative would be that we didn’t get the chance to get up and go. So, yeah, be happy about it. When we are happy, our focus is better and so is the way we use our time. This should take 5 seconds.
2)    SELF-RECOGNITION. Now that we have awakened, we can take 10 seconds to stretch and recognize how lucky everyone else is that we have arrived in the conscious world and are here to do something brilliant and creative, help someone or call on someone. It is our job to be productive, so we might as well recognize ourselves for it. When we root ourselves through self-recognition, our actions become streamlined and time economical.

3)    POWER WAKE UP (aka meditation or chi wake up). Once we stand up (or sit up in our wheel chair or sit up in bed if that’s how it is), let’s feel the power of our body. Let’s take 30 seconds just to stand (or sit or lie) and feel our blood supply coursing through our veins. This action will wake us, allow us to pump up without anything more. We get emotional power from physical power. Powering up daily will increase and sustain our power. When we feel powerful, we act at peak performance. When we are at our peak, we treat time as the preciously valuable dimension that it is.

4)    CHEERLEADING. As we are doing our morning routine, we should take 15 seconds to pick out our goal for the day. It could be to wash two loads of laundry, take the first step to doing our taxes, make 50 phone calls to tell people about our business, call the girl we talked to from last year’s gym class that we promised to call. Whatever it is, those 15 seconds will bring us to laser focused attention. We will commit ourselves to one task (this exercise is in addition to longer term goals, if we have them). This cheering ourselves on will methodically lead us down our path. We can use the cheering behavior for the rest of the day until we have reached our target.

Imagine we are on a treasure hunt, and we know we are close to finding the treasure. The time that we spend in looking for it is so energetic, proficient and precise because we are highly motivated to find the treasure. We are internally cheerleading. This enables decisive time economy and allows us to find more time for weight issues.

5)    REACH OUT TO ONE. No matter what kind of day we are having, no matter how busy we think we are, no matter where in life’s journey we are; we should take one minute out to reach out to someone and say hello. This could be on the bus to work or school, while putting the trash can outside, while going to the mini mart on the way to play volleyball. If we don’t know anyone we can call, if we work or school from home or if we can’t go out and don’t have anyone who lives with us; we can say hello to our neighbor or to the first person we see riding a bicycle near our front door. If no one rides by, we can call the phone company and ask about our bill. If we have an internet connection, we can reach out globally to half the world.

What does this have to do with time management? When we communicate with another person, our perspective modifies itself, often in a positive way. We realize we are an integral part of the world as we know it and that people have something to offer us and vice versa. With this realization, we can become more productive and motivated and can use our time more efficiently.  Then there is more time for weight loss.

6)    TOP OF THE AGENDA. When we want to do something, we usually schedule it in, right? Think about what happens when we feel like eating a particular food. Funny how we have no problem scheduling that in. Yet, when we want to remove some pounds from our stomach by doing some tai chi or fitness activity that would take less time than it would take to go get the food we craved, we don’t have (make) the time.
Looking from a different angle, when we see that our daughters are having weight issues, we bake a cake. Or we encourage them to make sure to have a big appetite when visiting grandma and grandpa. Or we think we are being generous when we decide to buy our daughters’ clothing when they are four sizes larger than they want to be. What are we thinking? Where’s our agenda then?
By keeping the weight loss goal (or weight gain goal or emotional weight goal) on our calendars, we keep it fresh in our minds. If it’s scheduled in, we have already made the time.  15 seconds.

7)    WRAP UP MEETING. When it is time for bed, let’s have a small 30-second meeting with ourselves. No matter what else is on the agenda, let’s review how we managed with the other six items in this plan. The program takes two minutes, 45 seconds a day. It should bring us one extra minute for each of these seven steps because we get stimulated after we eat good food, see good friends, succeed at creating something great, lose a pound. That totals seven minutes. Subtract two minutes, 45 seconds from seven and get four minutes, 15 seconds.
This meeting gives us more time because it keeps us accountable to ourselves for weight loss. It shows us how easy it is to make time through scheduling, focus and the positive effects of infrastructure. We begin to save time in other areas of our day, which we can add on to weight loss time.

CONCLUSION

When we carry extra weight, it consumes us. We wake up knowing it; we go to school and work knowing it; we go to sleep knowing it. Spending time on the idea of extra weight uses up our time in a way that doesn’t benefit us. When we take an organized approach to our objectives, whatever they are, we have less time to live in our negative, overweight thoughts. We might even have time for an exercise or two from the WarriorsOfWeight.com inbox magazine.

When our lives have so many things pulling at them that we think we are about to break AND we carry extra weight, it is almost too much. Tension from other weight issues often drives us to eat. It also tends to create a funnel-like image in our minds, not unlike a tornado, in which all the problems that ever were and ever will be are floating around above our heads clouding our thoughts.

Extra weight makes us feel bad; not like our looks; shorten our life span and the time we could be with our grandchildren. We choose to have time for ourselves. We choose to have time for our favorite people and food. We don’t find time for people we don’t like just as we think we are in control if we walk away from food we don’t like.

We can start now by picking one of the seven steps to do for a week. Once we complete one of the steps for seven straight days, we should continue to do it for another seven days and, at the same time, add another step.

Every two weeks, we should add another step until, in 13 weeks, we will have time for weight loss and we will have adjusted our minds to lose it.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments in the comment section below. Your experience and feedback can be very helpful to others in the community.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music and  stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes that we are the masters of our fate as long as we get the chance to wake up successfully. She says, “If we put half the effort into advocating for ourselves as we do in caring for others, we’d spend lots of time on ourselves.”

Copyright © [2012] by [WarriorsOfWeight.com] – All Rights Reserved.
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HOW TO CHANGE OUR LIVES THROUGH THE POWER OF WORDS (Issue 13)

by Suzanne Kovi

How many of us have ever been faced with a situation where we felt as though our personal power were compromised? It may have been a fight with a loved one, a confrontation at work [or school], a loss of a job [or responsibility] that left us feeling helpless, or perhaps it was a situation that blind-sided us and now we are forced into a transition we weren’t prepared for. It can feel as though we are naked and vulnerable while trying to remain strong.

Many people live their lives in this state of hurt yet keep it buried deep inside not realizing that it affects their world and all the relationships around them. What does it take for a person to be able to brush herself off and stand strong when life’s circumstances seem too difficult to bear? It takes Courageous Communication to transform our lives from a place of fear and uncertainty to a place of bold courage and action.

Courageous Communication is simply this: saying what needs to be said, to whom it needs to be said and in such a way that creates win/win results. Simple, right? Not all the time.

One of the dangers of communication in a moment of turmoil is that we forget how to respond, and we choose to react. Becoming reactionary only adds fuel to the fire without providing solutions. Communicating by reacting is not a powerful way to heal, nurture and grow our relationships, it destroys them. I’m sure we all want the same thing: to be happy. So how do we develop our Courageous Communication in such a way that it empowers us and helps all our relationships progress forward?

We work on ourselves by trying to understand how and why we choose the words we choose and what fuels our responses. This takes courage.

To start healing our relationships, we need to heal our internal dialogue first. Each of us has a little voice that has this unique ability to hold us captive whenever we strive to create a change in our lives.

Although this little voice in our head may seem harmless, we need to become aware of the words we choose because over time they can damage our personal beliefs and keep us stuck in life. We can recognize these as words that diminish our self worth and disempower us. They may sound like,”What if…Not yet…I’m afraid…I’m not ready…My life will never change…I can’t” and so many more. These words are more to blame for our lack of courage than our past experiences are to blame. But through our experiences we create stories and a belief system about who we are. If these stories don’t support who we want to be, then the little voice in our head has us trapped. If we change our stories, we can change our personal belief system which will directly affect how we communicate. A powerful mindset will create the environment for healthy internal dialogue. We will see an improvement in our communication with others as we build our belief structure.

Sometimes we blame other people or a situation in our life for “making” us feel powerless, but here is an important point – no one can make us feel anything. We choose the feelings and the responses we have in life and we choose the internal dialogue that fuels our choices. To be a Courageous Communicator we need to begin with the little voice inside our head and reprogram it so we can progress forward.

But how do we begin to transform that little voice into one that will positively affect our relationships? The first thing we must do is to address the relationship we have with ourselves. This has to be strong. Our sense of personal love and self-respect has to come first. It is imperative, yet it can be the most difficult choice for many people to make.

Without personal love and respect, we risk being taken advantage of, walked all over, disrespected or worse. Do we know why? Because other people have not been told how we wish to be treated. If we don’t tell people how to treat us, they are left to their own imagination of what works…and it usually works for them. By communicating to others how we wish to be treated, we set up the relationship for success. We harness the responsibility for our own happiness and by setting the standard of powerful communication, we create the environment to nurture and heal the most important relationships in our life.

Maintaining healthy relationships is a team effort, one where each participant has to be at their personal best and they share the same goals – to reach a win/win solution. To become a Courageous Communicator we must begin with nurturing our personal relationship with ourselves. As we learn to honor and respect our views, opinions, dreams and ambitions, our communication style will be transformed. We cannot change another person’s ability to communicate well, but we can be the example of how another human being deserves to be treated and with that we can transform lives.
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CONCLUSION BY DIANE GOLD
Communication through words can help everything. What’s the worst that could happen if we opened our mouths and said our piece? Someone could get angry or not like us. But, on the other hand, we could make someone very happy, could feel relieved and we could make a friend for life. At the very least, we will get practice in self-expression if we take a chance and talk. AND, we will do a better job the next time, no matter what. It couldn’t feel any worse than holding in what we wanted to say. Right?

This week’s action step is to go and communicate with kindness, purpose and without self-judgment. Expression is not about perfection. It’s about saying what we want to say.

As Suzanne says, we must use Courageous Communication. If it doesn’t come easily, we can take it one step at a time. When we do, even if we are acting at the beginning, we will be one step closer to the courage that we seek and one step closer to becoming close to ourselves.

FEEDBACK
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SUZANNE KOVI, AUTHOR
Suzanne Kovi has over 20 years in the entertainment industry. She is a successful business woman, personal trainer and wife. Her greatest roles are that of mother and community leader. She is inspired by people and passionate about helping women and kids stake their unique claim in life. She challenges her readers to “get busy living” and is the author of Ignite Your Life Choices. You can learn more about Suzanne at www.igniteyourlifechoices.com.

SCHOOL BULLYING: 9 SOLUTIONS FOR STUDENTS (Issue 12)

by Diane Gold

How many of us remember some friend (if we can call her that) or kid at school who was a dictator or a bossy boss? For no apparent reason, that’s how she was. I had a fairly bully free childhood, But, I remember having a girlfriend for a while who thrived on being bossy and not sharing the decision making process when choosing the things we did. I had to have been around 14 because my dad had just passed.

My self-esteem was shaky, I now surmise, because I allowed this friend to make decisions for us. I liked the activities we did, I liked her friends and status (not a good reason to hang with someone) and I wanted friends, thinking I needed her as one of them. I didn’t realize until we stopped hanging out together that our relationship put a strain on me and, when it was over, I was relieved.

This incident was relatively short. Most kids have it worse times 10. There are bullies in school who outright ruin kids’ lives. Now that I think about it, I had a kindergarten teacher who would make me drink milk at rest period. She actually made me drink it after I said many times it made me sick, and I didn’t want it. It felt like torture, having been brought up in a household where personal choice was normal. I never did understand why the teacher was a milk dictator. We had to put our heads down on our desks for rest period. Then, when milk was delivered, she made us drink it. I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to drink it, but she always woke me. I even for a note from home saying I didn’t have to drink the milk. Luckily, my dad’s job changed, and so did my school.

Even that is massively mild, comparatively, and I didn’t have to experience a kid lurking around the corner in school waiting to pounce on me, as many do. There are kids who wait for recess so they can torture other kids. They physically abuse them, take their lunch money, humiliate them in front of their gang of followers who are afraid not to be part of the gang lest they get tortured themselves. And worse. We, as humans, are sometimes brutal when we are young, on our way to finding our who we are. Many of us grow out of it; some of us were the victims.

So what’s a girl to do so she’s not perceived as a tattletale? Below are 9 solutions. Each of us is different, so we need different solutions. Each situation is very complicated, and no one is suggesting it will be solved by simply reaching out, but we need support. The people I suggest we reach out to may not be sensitive enough, skilled enough, interested enough, patient enough to deal with what we ask. So, we mustn’t give up if we ask one person and that first choice does not work out. The next one probably will. Or the next.

1. Tell the teacher, unless it’s the teacher who is torturing us like my situation with the milk in kindergarten. teachers became teachers so they could help kids. We might find one teacher who is attentive, even though we probably have no proof to show and name calling alone hurts but is not against the law.

2. Tell the security guard so s/he can help. This act will build an ally in the security guard, who enjoys being a symbol of protection. This communication could work, although, if the security guard were a bully as a youth, we might not get anywhere and have to try elsewhere.

3. Start befriending the bully by not falling apart when we are bullied. Talk to the bully with an even tempered face. This could lead to communication and becoming a friend to her pack of followers. We would stop being a victim as we communicate with the bully and realize the bully is fragile herself and trying to cover it up through bullying. We must be very alert and brave for this one.

Hint: Never call the bully a bully. It would go against the information in solution 9 below. Instead of saying, “You called me a name,” say, “So, did you hear about the event this Saturday?”

4. Ask the school guidance counselor or psychologist to help us express anger through role playing or some type of screaming. It feels good to role play, and it feels good to scream. What? They don’t do that? If we ask, they might create the program for us. Think of how many people we would be helping by having the counselor offer that service on a regular basis. We might think we are the only ones in the world who have it so bad, but, we are not alone, even though it feels as if we are.

For role playing, tell the counselor that we need to practice being forceful. For our anger, ask the counselor the best way to get it out, and go with that. Ask if screaming is OK. If the answer is yes and we decide to do it, make sure to protect the throat from getting soar.

5. Ask the physical education coach to help by teaching us to hit the punching bag or body bag. This would not be for the purpose of punching our opponent out. It would be:

a. To release the anger we felt toward the bully and ourselves for being in that situation in a healthy, athletic way.
b. To become stronger by the very nature of punching the bag.
c. To earn the respect of the coach and our peers for taking personal action.
d. To learn a skill that helps us focus and be independent.

6. See if there is a community group for school bullying with other kids who feel the discomfort of other kids who are mean. I am sure it will be massively difficult to go to a group like this because we don’t like to admit we need help. If we do go, it will totally help our lives in a big way. Wealth, color, intelligence do not matter. There are others who will welcome us.

7. Enlist the help of our parents and guardians.This might be the hardest of all, since we do not like to admit we need help, and we might be at a stage with our care takers where we don’t want to confide in them. Look at it this way, parents and guardians were kids once, too. Each may have a story to reveal that would help us see we are not alone.

8. Begin kung fu lessons. These lessons would not be to learn to pound our bully and become just like her. No. They would be to:

a. Reveal our true self-esteem that might be covered and needs development.
b. Change the strength of our muscles and bones through the kung fu exercises.
c. Develop personal pr, that is, a positive personal image.
d. Increase confidence.
A side effect would be that we would balance our weight through stretching, moving, exercising and proper calorie use.
A second effect would be our increase in flexibility, which would make it easier for us to walk well, with proper posture and ease. These physical changes would translate to a look of confidence, definitely something bullies shy away from. When facing strong confident people, bullies move on.
A third side effect would be that we would develop an understanding of our personal space and learn to move in ways that would protect it.

9. Take Tai Chi lessons. As with kung fu, these lessons would not be learned to assault the bully. They would be to learn to be patient, forgiving and stress free while we became confident, fluid in movement and skilled at understanding give and take.

We all know the yin/yang symbol. It is the symbol of balance, represented by opposite sides of a circle. It is the symbol and the way of tai chi. And tai chi teaches us to be balanced of mind and body, ready to change with the wind, if anything, like a bully, should come into our path.

We all know that when we feed fuel to a fire, it gets bigger. Think of adding sticks to a fire or coal to the barbecue pit. The fire grows. If we have no more sticks or coal, the fire gets smaller and goes out.

In this same way, think of what happens when person A yells at person B. If B yells back, then A yells again and B yells again. What if B didn’t yell in the first place but talked to gain understanding of A?; A’s fire would die down from lack of fuel and the yelling would be over. In the same way, when a bully comes over to us huffing and puffing with insults or torture or telling us we are bursting out of our seams because we gained weight, our crying acts as fuel, and the bully bullies more. If we keep our wits about us and smile, no matter what the bully does or says (knowing in our hearts that the bully is hurting and shows it by bullying), the bully’s fire will go out because there is nothing to excite her bully fire.

CONCLUSION

No matter which of the 9 solutions presented here sound good to us, we will begin to understand that all bullies have some type of pain that makes them bully. The next time we encounter a bully, we can keep that in mind. We can realize that a bully is just crying out and expressing her problem through being abusive or mean. We just happened to be in the bully’s path.

I thought it quite karmic that while researching for this article, I was reading Clive Cussler (master author of ship wreck/salvage team adventures) and his Devil’s Gate. One character said to another,

“Like a child with bad self-esteem, you resort to your bullying in hopes of proving your strength.”

This quote reminded me of the well-known universal truth that bullies are covering up the fact that their self-esteem is broken. If we were saints, we would forgive them. We are human, so we must prepare ourselves.

The other book I was reading, John Maxwell’s Failing Forward, had a relevant quote,

“To keep the right perspective, take responsibility for your actions, but don’t take it personally.”

If we could put our emotions aside to see clearly and claim our glory, we would see that being bullied does not reflect our shortcomings. It may seem to, since we might want to scold ourselves because we were chosen to be bullied or because we didn’t have the silver tongue or master technique to stop the bullying. But school bullying, most often, is a random act of cruelty that we may not avoid but can definitely learn to understand and manage.

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes that giving our minds a daily rest leads to creative, ongoing world solutions. You can read more about kung fu and tai chi at http://dianegold.com/tai_chi.html.