THE PEACE PROCESS: A STEP-BY-STEP FORMULA TO ACHIEVE PEACE (ISSUE 55)

By Diane Gold

The peace process is a methodical, step-by-step method that needs simple, focused attention and caring patience. Since we humans can truly focus in on only 1 activity at a time (even though we are a society of multitaskers), when it comes right down to it, when we target our attention in 1 place, it cannot be in another place at that very moment.

This means if we are working actively on the peace process, we have the chance not to be concerned with our food, our overeating, overindulgence, overzealousness, anger, jealously, greed, our finances or any of the other negative things that may reduce our greatness.

In the article, Peace And Prejudice, from June 4 of this year, we talk about how looking at the sameness in human beings can lead us to harmony and tolerance. I have said many times as has Charles Duhigg in his book, The Power Of Habit, that, in order to stop manifesting an old behavior, we have to learn and act out a new one.

Think of the video store clerk of 20 years wearing jeans to work every day who gets a job in an uptown law firm where suits are required. By wearing a suit, she feels different, looks different, acts different, is a little different. After months of suit-wearing and interacting with other suits in her law firm position; the suit truly becomes her and it is difficult to remember going to work in jeans (even if that attire might be preferable).

Another example, that I do not know firsthand, is how quickly we transform from civilian to soldier. One minute, we have a no combat life. The next, we are in a war.

The dynamics of changing the way we act holds true for eating and acquiring an overweight status; being a good example as a mother as well as acting in a harmonic way in the realm of the peace process. When we focus our attention on studying, our attention is not on food. When we are listening, we are not talking.

When we take a shower, we are not playing tennis. When we are determined to create harmony instead of promote prejudice, we are busy being mindful of the work through which harmony may be achieved. We are doing important work and are more willing to substitute the gratitude and joy that come with peace work for satisfying a food craving. And, focused work equals fewer cravings.

This leads us to the step-by-step Peace Process, which is more of a listening process and not a speaking process. The idea here is to get to know the person who has been in this situation, if you have not. If you, yourself, have been in this situation as you grew up, eliminate step 1) and please ask these questions of yourself instead.

ACTION STEPS ARE THE PEACE PROCESS

1)
Say “YES” to being willing to be a moderator for this process.
There is no time commitment. This step just affirms that you are going to work this formula once with 1 person. We always change our minds as to what actions support the way we want to live. We are free to do so here as we see fit. This 1 “YES’ gets the process started.

2)
Find 1 person who has lived under in a location where there is or has been political or religious terrorism. This can be done face-to-face through someone we know or someone who is a click away in our social media list.

3)
Ask this individual to sit and talk by an invitation to have tea. If this is an online meeting, consider it is tea time and actually pour a cup of tea. This grounds the conversation.

4)
Remember that you want to listen and not speak, for the most part. Tell the individual you want to learn and that this is about your understanding.

5)
Ask the following 7 questions.

a.     Is it OK to ask you a little about your experience so that I can understand a little bit?

b.    How old were you when you had your first encounter with terrorism in your location?

c.    How often did you have terrorism in your location?

d.    What precautions did you have to take?

e.    How did this form you as a person?

f.    Why did you think these people wanted to hurt you?

g.     If you were given the chance to talk to someone taught to attack you, would you allow her 1 minute to speak about what she was taught?

h.     Say thank you for being allowed to learn. Realize that you are honored to receive the information.

6)
Ponder what you have heard, and give yourself time to understand it. If we rush in without consideration for those who have lived for years in strife, we ignore what is absolutely necessary to make the peace process work: other people’s realities.

I want to refer to and salute a close friend of mine who was raised around air raids and bombings. When she said I, an American civilian, couldn’t possibly understand what it was like since I hadn’t experienced it – and we love and respect each other as sisters – I realized it was my duty to learn more about her experiences and the passionate feelings that go along with someone’s having lived in harm’s way as a child and a teen where the only “I Declare War” I knew was a game we played using a pink rubber ball on a safe suburban street.

I believe that the learning process ahead of you and me is making the peace process a reality.

CONCLUSION

The conclusion here is the peace process itself, not talking about it but getting going on making it happen. Follow the simple method above and, please, pass it on.

In order for us to have peace, we must be aware of how each side in conflict feels. We can learn this information and build trust at the same time through sincerely employing the action steps above. Once each of us starts the process and sees the value of passing it on, there will be firmer ground from which we can be the bridge makers of peace. We must be consistent, understanding and kind.

                                                  LET US START NOW.

                                                  WE CAN DO THIS!

*This issue is dedicated to my father who passed 49 years ago yesterday at age 49. To Harry!*

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom.
She is concerned with tolerance and peace. She says,

“Each of us is responsible for the world’s peace. Each time we act with intolerance, we lose an opportunity to lead. Each time we take the time to understand an adversary or someone who is causing adversarial feelings or action, we lead by example. If each of us curbed an intolerance one time a day, we could develop the patience we want to teach our children and our enemies.”

DECLARATION OF TOLERANCE FOR SCHOOL AGERS: KINDNESS IS COOL (ISSUE 53)

By Diane Gold

No curriculum in tolerance exists in regular public schools.

“Why not?” we might ask.

It would prepare us for living in our world and creating harmony along the way.

If, as kids, we had tolerance class to learn such a set of rules along with math and language skills,

OH, THE DIFFERENCES WE WILL SEE!

It’s common knowledge that kids are cruel, pull the cat’s tail, become insensitive when their friends make social blunders and gang up on kids because they possess physical and mental attributes that would not qualify them for a typical beauty or intelligence contest.

Yes, they’re young. Yes, their freedom to express naturally is important and the line between mocking and self-expression is subjective. And, yes, children need to build up strength should intolerance be directed at them.

Also true is that children are impressionable. They are impressed (a mental embossing occurs) by popularity and strive for it. I heard a TV teen say that the purpose of high school was to become popular.

Wouldn’t it be fair to say that we all crave popularity of some type, whether it’s to be thought of as the most just, the most intelligent, the most creative, the most macho, the most humble?

 We follow others, as kids and adults. We call this social proof. If no one goes to help the person who fell down and everyone walks by with no regard; we are less likely to rush to help the afflicted person.

If 3 people are already helping, we are more likely to offer a hand.

Not that we are all sheep, but, without specific intervention training, most people do not take the initiative to run to get involved in serving another if no one else does.

TOLERANCE IN SCHOOL

So what does this have to do with tolerance?

Kids form belief systems and opinions at home, in school and with peer groups. It is a given that we are influenced on a grand scale by our parents, our caretakers. Prejudice in the home rubs off. But many kids have their first encounter with intolerance, either as target or aggressor, in school.

If Jayne makes fun of Julie at school and school mates follow this behavior, this intolerance festers and grows. Its presence caters to fortify the belief that it is good. How cool it is to be part of the group. It’s a good feeling. But, aren’t their lines, even for kids? We don’t have court in school, but we are responsible for teaching what’s right.

Everyone has to deal with being the target of someone. And, yes, as mentioned, we must develop personal self-esteem to balance out external negativity. But, school is a place of learning. And the job of each teacher – and that truly means any adult – is to instill good values, individually and as a community of teachers.

For this reason, I created a simple document to which all school-age children should be exposed and on which all school-age children should have training. If we don’t address tolerance at an early age, role play about it and make it a life-long study even if we discuss it once a week for 15 minutes, we are leaving out a core value that needs attention.

Imagine if we had the tolerance in childhood we would want others to have. And we lived this for our entire childhood.

OH, THE DIFFERENT WAYS WE’LL ACT!

ACTION STEP

Employ the kids declaration of tolerance at your earliest convenience. No, wait. Do it now, without waiting.  Bring it to your school. Share it through your social networks. Bring it with you to the parent-teacher meetings. Go over it at home at every opportunity. Role play it. Learn it. Be it. Write another declaration to add below.

Here it is:

1)
I will imagine I am in a wheel chair. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

This means I will not abandon a person because of this situation; I will not single out the other person and laugh at someone else’s tragedy; I will show respect for the other person. I will be a compassion leader.

2)
I will imagine I am 2X as big as I am now in body weight without getting taller, and I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

3)
I will imagine that my hair has fallen out, and I feel sad. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

4)
I will imagine I just tripped on my shoe lace and scraped my knee and my elbow. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

5)
I will imagine I have lost my pet and I am crying at school. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation, When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

6)
I will imagine I have a mark on my face that makes me look different from others. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

7)
I will imagine I don’t remember any of the lessons the other students remember at school. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

8)
I will imagine my family makes me dress different from everyone else. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

9)
I will imagine someone has just teased me, and my feelings are hurt. I will think about how that feels. I will treat others the way I would want them to treat me in that situation. When others laugh at someone else in this situation, I will recognize this as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool.

10)
I will imagine someone has just teased my friend. I will think about how my friend feels. I will treat my friend the way I would want her to treat me in that situation. I will recognize the teasing as bad behavior and not follow it. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and teach that kindness is cool. I will support my friend with kindness, not aggression toward others.

11)
I will imagine that my community has been fighting with another community for a long time. I will think about how many bad feelings there are because of the old fight. I will treat the outside community the way I would want it to treat my community: with respect, with harmony and with tolerance. I will recognize that, as a young person, I can stop the fight. I will not follow my community history in fighting. I will lend a helping hand, show an understanding heart and help educate both communities. I will support my community with kindness and make friends with the other community.

CONCLUSION

The longer we study a subject, the more proficient we get at it. If we study tolerance from an early time, we will become familiar with how it goes. We will learn about being kind, being fair, being able to pass on these concepts.

Implement the Declaration Of Tolerance For School Agers, and be instrumental in taking a step toward the reality of creating world harmony.

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom.
She passes on ways to create human harmony, which may not be coincidentally related to her love of music. She says,

“The best time to talk about peace and tolerance is when we are young. That’s why it’s so important to include a human relations curriculum (also called a peaceful solutions program) that extends past the study of our ancestors and their geographic regions. True, it’s nice to know how we got here, but it’s just as important to build tolerance and conflict resolution skills in the present. This will maximize the positive effect on global harmony.”

PEACE AND PREJUDICE: HOW THE KEY TO PEACE IS THE SAME AS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS (Issue 31)

By Diane Gold

Peace among humans stems from sameness, not difference. When we are peaceful, things are harmonious. When we are prejudiced, there is unrest, internal to us and external within our world.

We all breathe the same air, have the same powerful epidermis to protect us (we share this with plants), respirate similarly, replenish regularly, get inhabited by viruses constantly (we share this one with plants and bacteria), are all subject to the perils of weather and do well when we honor ourselves.

BELIEF IN OURSELVES

So, with all these major similarities, what are our differences, other than melanin levels, pride in roots, levels of security, money and intelligence? It’s BELIEF IN OURSELVES, the level at which we LOVE ONE ANOTHER, tolerate, nurture, sanction, recognize and respect one another AND OURSELVES, the level at which we give our neighbor the same courtesy as our family, the same respect we should be giving to ourselves and our fellow humans.

So what is the key to this tolerance that is the same for losing weight, gaining weight, stopping our urges, removing our prejudice? And how do we get it?
Those of us whose urges take us to eat too much, drink too much, use or do too much lack a certain security in and love for ourselves. These urges drive our chemicals inside to run in ways we have not yet grasped. Happily, we can learn to understand them and work with them and adjust them.

The same urge chemistry occurs in our body when we cannot tolerate someone else’s beliefs or any of the traits listed three paragraphs below. This chemical imbalance strips us of our ability to be socially acceptable; and we bash, malign, plunder someone else’s appearance or belief. This is social prejudice.

If my family teaches me to believe in the golden calf, your family teaches you to believe in the family religion and our neighbor’s family teaches their daughter to believe that she is the master and controls her own life; these three different beliefs exist. We can learn tolerance if it is doesn’t come naturally by remembering that each of us breathes the same air, eats the same food and gives birth the same way. How much we remember our sameness determines whether we have social prejudice or peace.

Similarly, the more we develop the ability to control our urges, such as eating chocolate, drinking soda or maligning a religion; the more we can exercise tolerance of ourselves and others.

So what can we do to raise THE LOVE LEVEL (which comes from BELIEF IN OURSELVES) and give ourselves the love that we deserve that will help curb our urges? What will help our health, our ability to feel good, and help us love our bodies and minds, know that we are assets to the world, know that weight, skin color, style, thoughts, feelings, hairstyle, differences, size, lifestyle, height, preference, orientation, age, race, religion, politics, color, nationality, wealth, language, beliefs, birthplace, traditions, economics do not define whether we are kind, fun, funny, loyal, honest, devoted, confident, uplifting, empathetic, charitable, attentive, considerate, dependable, generous, motivating, patient, perceptive, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding, warm and caring?

And what can we do to remove social prejudices when they appear?

SEEING OUR HOMOGENEITY, THE BIG ACTION STEP

The BIG ACTION STEP, should we choose to take it, is that we must look at our homogeneity. We must celebrate our sameness and be enlightened by it.

What if we used it to further our belief system and strengthen our tolerance?
What if we used it to help us be strong individually?

We are all a part of a body of humans and, I believe, can find a way to peace.

Whether we are too slim, too large or just right; we all enjoy the security of shelter, clothing that makes us feel beautiful, friends and family who really care for us; and we all love our own individual hobby, creative passion and cause.

If I could animate, I would draw a giant globe with people in every country representing all of us. Every time any one of us executed a prejudicial act, even if against ourselves; one of the cutout figures would collapse, only to be regenerated by a positive act, such as generosity or forgiveness. If we saw this visual representation on an ongoing basis, which measured our love and hate, we might more easily cherish, forgive and love each other.

Most of us don’t think that feeling bad about ourselves or treating ourselves badly is a negative act. It is, though, an act of social prejudice against ourselves, when we judge ourselves in comparison to runway models if we are not, or in comparison to the lifestyle of the latest female self-made billionaire if we are not.

We say what we feel for ourselves doesn’t affect others, but this is not the truth. Aside from the fact that we are all in this world together, everyone we contact is affected by our good or bad attitude. So how do we mend a bad attitude or social prejudice?

FORGIVENESS, THE NEXT ACTION STEP

1)    Forgiving ourselves for whatever we think is wrong with us
2)    Forgiving what we did wrong
3)    Forgiving someone for having a different trait or belief
4)    Forgiving someone for a bad act
5)    Forgiving ourselves for being prejudiced against someone

are very hard to do, but great steps to take.

I can think of the many times I have said,

“I forgive him,”

in my head. I have also said,

“I forgive you,”

in person, to someone in my life who did not treat me well. The words have not created absolute forgiveness in me, but it is a work in progress. It is easy for me to forgive myself for the feelings of resentment I still have, but it is hard to forgive with full sincerity.

It is almost unfathomable for me to think how hard it would be to forgive someone who had physically harmed a family member. But, that is how hard peace is.

Over 90% of the people in the United States have a belief system with one deity. It could be as much as 92%. We also believe that this deity does not make mistakes. So, if we are in this category; we know that our lives are not mistakes, so we must forgive ourselves and celebrate our individual situations.

Less than 10% of the population in the United States is firmly rooted in the fact that we are strong, self-sufficient individuals who are part of the balance or order of nature that does not include a deity. This group could be smaller than 8%. (This group often does not list its participants because of the prejudice against it, so statistics are hard to confirm.) If we are in this group, we know we are good and worthwhile by the principles by which we live. Therefore we must forgive ourselves and celebrate our individual situations.

CONCLUSION

Those of us who are tolerant of our similarities must remind those who are not. It is difficult to bring these subjects to the attention of others because feelings run so strongly in each direction.

Prejudice of any kind is prejudice.  Some people frown upon people who eat a lot. Others think they are queens.  As we grow our spiritual library, we come to terms with how we see ourselves and how we see our sameness. Often times, unless we are experiencing the strife and misery that comes from prejudice, we find it hard to relate to it.

Here’s an example:

If I have grown up an extra, extra love size my whole life, I know what it’s like to be teased about my weight. I am so busy feeling bad about being teased that I do not realize that the teaser’s insecurity is causing the intolerant behavior.

I am grown up, I open a company, have 50 employees. No one has teased me in a long time. One of the people who has been hired has a twitch, which I continually joke about with the other workers. I only consider myself and never consider that the person with the twitch is always in earshot when I tease. She feels pain when I tell my jokes. Why am I doing the same behavior that people did to me? Don’t I remember how it feels? What feeling prompts this intolerance and insecurity on my part?

It’s all about BELIEF IN MYSELF. Poking fun at the twitcher buries the pain I felt when I was teased. It also makes me feel powerful now when people gather ’round and laugh at my jokes. What I don’t consider is that the employees may be gathering around and laughing because they feel sorry for my power tripping from pain. Others may be getting comic relief from someone else’s pain, also a common, but not admirable, human trait. Finally, most of the group is gathering because I am the boss, and it would be impolite not to gather.

SMALL BUT IMPORTANT ACTION STEPS

Here are some small daily action steps to go along with the SEEING HOMOGENEITY and FORGIVENESS, above. When we familiarize our mind to kindness, we become kind. On the other side, when we fuel our intolerance, our prejudice (toward ourselves and others) grows.

1)    Upon awakening every day, take 10 seconds to acknowledge that we are as wonderful as our heroes, our love interest, the person we most want to emulate and our role model. This builds self-confidence in a subtle but constant way.

2)    After the first 10 second exercise, take 10 seconds to acknowledge that there are no mistakes in the natural order of things. Therefore, we are exactly who we are supposed to be. This will build strength that we are a firm part of the world plan.

3)    As we are sitting up from our sleeping position, take 10 seconds to realize our good fortune, such as having the use of our limbs, having the use of our senses, having whatever we do have. Each of us will cherish something else, but this gratitude is important to experience. Gratitude brings humility which brings understanding and peace.

4)    Sometime during the week, even if it’s only once:
a.    Tell a joke to someone sad
b.    Give a homeless person a book
c.    Go to http://theanimalrescuesite.com and click a button to give a free bowl of food to an animal. (There are many sister sites here for other causes of your choice.)

The secret behind this action is that, as we are clicking our support for some outside cause, we are curbing our appetite for that very moment and making a difference to someone else. This type of action leads us to develop our character and become stronger to reach our goal in the food department. Both curbing our urge and building our character lead to the likelihood of our being a tolerant member of society.

5)    Once a day, we should look in the mirror at our lips smiling and know that we have just seen a very worthy human being.
Awareness of Homogeneity + Forgiveness = Urge Control + Peace, Inside and Out.

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Please leave your comments below. We truly value all of them.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She is excited about discovering that the key to peace resembles the key to urge mechanics. She says,

“The key is examining ourselves. When we are willing to look at our urges, we can see our true selves in the mirror. With time, we can mold ourselves to be more in the direction that we wish. It may not be easy, and it will take time. In a lifetime journey, there can be no rush.”