PREJUDICE IS A HABIT WE CAN REPLACE (ISSUE 140)

By Diane Gold

Prejudice is a habit we can replace. We are not born with it. It is part of our training: at home, in school, in the neighborhood, from peer pressure, peer example (social proof) and from the media.

When we are at home and have never seen someone of a different color, religion or family belief system; we may surmise that everyone outside our sphere – including color range – is an outsider. When we ask our family,

“Why have you never had a person who is not our color, our religion, our belief system visit?”

and the answer may be,

“The people who come to our house are our friends,”

it leaves an impression. The impression may be subliminal that if only one color or one tribe comes to the house as friends; other people are our enemies. This isn’t always the case, but there are a lot of wrong messages we get from home.

Similar development goes on in school and neighborhood.

These are the simple ways we all cultivate the habit of prejudice.

 The complex ways in which our minds are colored in a certain direction usually come from wanting comfort such as personal protection or to fit into a crowd or feel good about ourselves.

In the neighborhood, we may be pressured into going with one group so that we don’t get attacked by that group or another group. Because we usually let this happen without questioning it ethically; clans begin, prejudice grows and wars take shape. We build up an allegiance to one group, hearing its rhetoric which remodels the way we think about another group or person.

How it usually starts is that we or our family member are disrespected or abused by one person from another family or from across a national border or who was a different color or who prayed to a different deity from ours. Because of this incident, we may become prejudiced toward an entire set of people.

When someone takes our land, in the name of the individual, a cause, a race, a religion; we have a reaction. Because we have been taught that we have the rights to our land, we may equate this takeover with looting and attribute such looting to an entire group of a billion people, for whom we develop prejudice, even if only 50 people were involved.

PUBLISHER’S NOTE

Do we have the right to claim land in the first place? Who assigned it to us? And should we give up the land we have claimed by society’s methods (land deeds) to someone who demands it, for that person may need it more than we?

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PREJUDICE AS HABIT

As we may recall from previous discussions, a habit is a repeated behavior borne from an urge. It leads to a reward. In the case of prejudice, our urge is our need to satisfy the unresolved issue in our head that has arisen due the violation of ourselves, family, friends or friends by association. If we do not approach the person who wronged us, such as the pilferer of our land or the physical abuser of our body; we never work toward a peaceful end to the conflict in our head and the habit we have been groomed to have, the continual birth of revenge flourishes. This grows because we play this in our heads over and over. These replays count as repetitions toward the development of a habit.

If I am wronged once by my neighbor, it’s not so hard to live with the incident. If I am wronged twice, once by my neighbor and once by my neighbor’s cousin, I have stronger feelings. If am wronged 3-10 times more by ethically similar neighbors of my neighbor and I do nothing about my feelings; I start to develop the habit of prejudice toward the broad group “neighbors.”

If after all these experiences, my neighbor’s aunt threatens me at gunpoint to give up part of my land or else she will hurt my children, I associate this action with all the other times I have been wronged. Let’s say I give up the land so as to keep my children safe.

If I do nothing to alleviate my feelings after the fact (my urge to resolve the takeover in my own mind); I start to establish a pattern of mistrust in my head that I associate with any “neighbor,” of the same family, color and religion. I even extend my habit of prejudice to anyone in the world who is that color or that religion or part of that family, because of my experience. This is not rational, but feelings never are.

THE SOLUTION

The solution to replace any habit is to replace the behavior we do when we get the urge that we get. From my experience and from the time it takes our hormones to activate, I calculate we have 15 seconds. This takes into account how strongly and fervently our mind will grab onto our old habit and act accordingly. So, if we have previously done nothing when we have the urge to resolve the conflicts with the particular neighbors who wronged us, our reward, or the result of our actions, is a negative reward. We end up frustrated, angry, forlorn because we have been violated in some way by an entire group. The final reward of this non-action that we do is, you guessed it, prejudice. This is our justification for many irrational, out of scope future actions and current feelings we have.

Let’s review the habit formula: to satisfy an urge, we take an action which leads to a reward. So, to replace prejudice, we must take a new action to the urge to satisfy some conflict. In the past, we may have shaken our fist, joined a group where everyone shakes a fist or done nothing overt, but, internally, blame a person or a group. Those are the old behaviors.

CONCLUSION

ACTION STEPS AND NEW BEHAVIOR

The solution is to talk about how it made you feel:

1) We can talk to the person who wronged us,

2) We can talk to the family of the person who wronged us,

3) We can talk at the religious center of the person who wronged us,

4) We can find a neutral place where people of all colors and all religions will talk about how they feel about having been wronged.

THE TWO RULES

There are only 2 rules for this strategy to work: you can only talk about how the act made you feel, with no judgment placed upon the other person. It’s the slow and steady discussion of how you were made to feel that will replace the old habit and bring the new reward. The second is no yelling or insulting words.

If you would like to discuss setting up a neutral place in your community for this type of discussion, I can help you.

If you wish to share your story, please hit reply in your email program to be contacted.

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DIANE GOLD, PUBLISHER AND AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition, conflict resolution and habit change.

She believes we can choose to be civilized people, whether we stand to gain billions or our only gain is our dignity. She says,

“We can replace a habit is we use a systematic approach. We have to pre-plan, we have to execute with expediency. It won’t help to compare to anyone else; we are only ourselves.

“If we choose to accept the mission of replacing the habit of prejudice, we can do it. The process, as with any other habit change, requires changes the way we act. No jumping through hoops, only speaking out about how a violation made us feel, not blaming someone else, only expressing our feelings. Should we choose it, we will become very powerful, since we learn a special strength through the process of habit replacement.

“This strategy is one of the ways to world peace, changing on the inside in order to change the outside.

“Finally, let us all take good care of ourselves because we are so worth it!”

PEACE AND PREJUDICE: HOW THE KEY TO PEACE IS THE SAME AS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS (Issue 31)

By Diane Gold

Peace among humans stems from sameness, not difference. When we are peaceful, things are harmonious. When we are prejudiced, there is unrest, internal to us and external within our world.

We all breathe the same air, have the same powerful epidermis to protect us (we share this with plants), respirate similarly, replenish regularly, get inhabited by viruses constantly (we share this one with plants and bacteria), are all subject to the perils of weather and do well when we honor ourselves.

BELIEF IN OURSELVES

So, with all these major similarities, what are our differences, other than melanin levels, pride in roots, levels of security, money and intelligence? It’s BELIEF IN OURSELVES, the level at which we LOVE ONE ANOTHER, tolerate, nurture, sanction, recognize and respect one another AND OURSELVES, the level at which we give our neighbor the same courtesy as our family, the same respect we should be giving to ourselves and our fellow humans.

So what is the key to this tolerance that is the same for losing weight, gaining weight, stopping our urges, removing our prejudice? And how do we get it?
Those of us whose urges take us to eat too much, drink too much, use or do too much lack a certain security in and love for ourselves. These urges drive our chemicals inside to run in ways we have not yet grasped. Happily, we can learn to understand them and work with them and adjust them.

The same urge chemistry occurs in our body when we cannot tolerate someone else’s beliefs or any of the traits listed three paragraphs below. This chemical imbalance strips us of our ability to be socially acceptable; and we bash, malign, plunder someone else’s appearance or belief. This is social prejudice.

If my family teaches me to believe in the golden calf, your family teaches you to believe in the family religion and our neighbor’s family teaches their daughter to believe that she is the master and controls her own life; these three different beliefs exist. We can learn tolerance if it is doesn’t come naturally by remembering that each of us breathes the same air, eats the same food and gives birth the same way. How much we remember our sameness determines whether we have social prejudice or peace.

Similarly, the more we develop the ability to control our urges, such as eating chocolate, drinking soda or maligning a religion; the more we can exercise tolerance of ourselves and others.

So what can we do to raise THE LOVE LEVEL (which comes from BELIEF IN OURSELVES) and give ourselves the love that we deserve that will help curb our urges? What will help our health, our ability to feel good, and help us love our bodies and minds, know that we are assets to the world, know that weight, skin color, style, thoughts, feelings, hairstyle, differences, size, lifestyle, height, preference, orientation, age, race, religion, politics, color, nationality, wealth, language, beliefs, birthplace, traditions, economics do not define whether we are kind, fun, funny, loyal, honest, devoted, confident, uplifting, empathetic, charitable, attentive, considerate, dependable, generous, motivating, patient, perceptive, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding, warm and caring?

And what can we do to remove social prejudices when they appear?

SEEING OUR HOMOGENEITY, THE BIG ACTION STEP

The BIG ACTION STEP, should we choose to take it, is that we must look at our homogeneity. We must celebrate our sameness and be enlightened by it.

What if we used it to further our belief system and strengthen our tolerance?
What if we used it to help us be strong individually?

We are all a part of a body of humans and, I believe, can find a way to peace.

Whether we are too slim, too large or just right; we all enjoy the security of shelter, clothing that makes us feel beautiful, friends and family who really care for us; and we all love our own individual hobby, creative passion and cause.

If I could animate, I would draw a giant globe with people in every country representing all of us. Every time any one of us executed a prejudicial act, even if against ourselves; one of the cutout figures would collapse, only to be regenerated by a positive act, such as generosity or forgiveness. If we saw this visual representation on an ongoing basis, which measured our love and hate, we might more easily cherish, forgive and love each other.

Most of us don’t think that feeling bad about ourselves or treating ourselves badly is a negative act. It is, though, an act of social prejudice against ourselves, when we judge ourselves in comparison to runway models if we are not, or in comparison to the lifestyle of the latest female self-made billionaire if we are not.

We say what we feel for ourselves doesn’t affect others, but this is not the truth. Aside from the fact that we are all in this world together, everyone we contact is affected by our good or bad attitude. So how do we mend a bad attitude or social prejudice?

FORGIVENESS, THE NEXT ACTION STEP

1)    Forgiving ourselves for whatever we think is wrong with us
2)    Forgiving what we did wrong
3)    Forgiving someone for having a different trait or belief
4)    Forgiving someone for a bad act
5)    Forgiving ourselves for being prejudiced against someone

are very hard to do, but great steps to take.

I can think of the many times I have said,

“I forgive him,”

in my head. I have also said,

“I forgive you,”

in person, to someone in my life who did not treat me well. The words have not created absolute forgiveness in me, but it is a work in progress. It is easy for me to forgive myself for the feelings of resentment I still have, but it is hard to forgive with full sincerity.

It is almost unfathomable for me to think how hard it would be to forgive someone who had physically harmed a family member. But, that is how hard peace is.

Over 90% of the people in the United States have a belief system with one deity. It could be as much as 92%. We also believe that this deity does not make mistakes. So, if we are in this category; we know that our lives are not mistakes, so we must forgive ourselves and celebrate our individual situations.

Less than 10% of the population in the United States is firmly rooted in the fact that we are strong, self-sufficient individuals who are part of the balance or order of nature that does not include a deity. This group could be smaller than 8%. (This group often does not list its participants because of the prejudice against it, so statistics are hard to confirm.) If we are in this group, we know we are good and worthwhile by the principles by which we live. Therefore we must forgive ourselves and celebrate our individual situations.

CONCLUSION

Those of us who are tolerant of our similarities must remind those who are not. It is difficult to bring these subjects to the attention of others because feelings run so strongly in each direction.

Prejudice of any kind is prejudice.  Some people frown upon people who eat a lot. Others think they are queens.  As we grow our spiritual library, we come to terms with how we see ourselves and how we see our sameness. Often times, unless we are experiencing the strife and misery that comes from prejudice, we find it hard to relate to it.

Here’s an example:

If I have grown up an extra, extra love size my whole life, I know what it’s like to be teased about my weight. I am so busy feeling bad about being teased that I do not realize that the teaser’s insecurity is causing the intolerant behavior.

I am grown up, I open a company, have 50 employees. No one has teased me in a long time. One of the people who has been hired has a twitch, which I continually joke about with the other workers. I only consider myself and never consider that the person with the twitch is always in earshot when I tease. She feels pain when I tell my jokes. Why am I doing the same behavior that people did to me? Don’t I remember how it feels? What feeling prompts this intolerance and insecurity on my part?

It’s all about BELIEF IN MYSELF. Poking fun at the twitcher buries the pain I felt when I was teased. It also makes me feel powerful now when people gather ’round and laugh at my jokes. What I don’t consider is that the employees may be gathering around and laughing because they feel sorry for my power tripping from pain. Others may be getting comic relief from someone else’s pain, also a common, but not admirable, human trait. Finally, most of the group is gathering because I am the boss, and it would be impolite not to gather.

SMALL BUT IMPORTANT ACTION STEPS

Here are some small daily action steps to go along with the SEEING HOMOGENEITY and FORGIVENESS, above. When we familiarize our mind to kindness, we become kind. On the other side, when we fuel our intolerance, our prejudice (toward ourselves and others) grows.

1)    Upon awakening every day, take 10 seconds to acknowledge that we are as wonderful as our heroes, our love interest, the person we most want to emulate and our role model. This builds self-confidence in a subtle but constant way.

2)    After the first 10 second exercise, take 10 seconds to acknowledge that there are no mistakes in the natural order of things. Therefore, we are exactly who we are supposed to be. This will build strength that we are a firm part of the world plan.

3)    As we are sitting up from our sleeping position, take 10 seconds to realize our good fortune, such as having the use of our limbs, having the use of our senses, having whatever we do have. Each of us will cherish something else, but this gratitude is important to experience. Gratitude brings humility which brings understanding and peace.

4)    Sometime during the week, even if it’s only once:
a.    Tell a joke to someone sad
b.    Give a homeless person a book
c.    Go to http://theanimalrescuesite.com and click a button to give a free bowl of food to an animal. (There are many sister sites here for other causes of your choice.)

The secret behind this action is that, as we are clicking our support for some outside cause, we are curbing our appetite for that very moment and making a difference to someone else. This type of action leads us to develop our character and become stronger to reach our goal in the food department. Both curbing our urge and building our character lead to the likelihood of our being a tolerant member of society.

5)    Once a day, we should look in the mirror at our lips smiling and know that we have just seen a very worthy human being.
Awareness of Homogeneity + Forgiveness = Urge Control + Peace, Inside and Out.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below. We truly value all of them.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She is excited about discovering that the key to peace resembles the key to urge mechanics. She says,

“The key is examining ourselves. When we are willing to look at our urges, we can see our true selves in the mirror. With time, we can mold ourselves to be more in the direction that we wish. It may not be easy, and it will take time. In a lifetime journey, there can be no rush.”