WEIGHT LOSS FOR TEEN GIRLS: 5 QUICK APPETITE TIPS (Issue 44)

By Diane Gold

So you ‘re in school, you’ve had a pretty calm day, nobody teased you yet and you’re getting kind of hungry. You know you can step out and go to the bathroom and pass the snack machine, unless you’re in one of those states that has reduced snack machines in favor of salad bars. (I’m not knocking this; I’m for it since studies are showing that curbing the sugar foods in vending machines is helping a lot of girls with weight. It’s also teaching  a better way of snacking.)

So, you know there’s some greasy food or sugary food in the vending machine that will hold you over, and you’re really hungry. You just can’t wait snack until you go home, so what can you do?

1)

Do you remember how great it was to drink out of the hose when you were little? I’m not suggesting this now, but water is the answer. A glass of water is known to reduce your appetite, and it fills you up at the same time.

When you’re hungry, it’s no fun to drink water because then you won’t really want to think about the greasy, sugary, oily foods. Why? Because you will be full, your hunger hormones will have stopped raging and you will be balanced.

But the habit of answering the call of that midday hunger is pretty deep in you.
What’s great about water is that there are drinking fountains in most schools. So, even if they are not filtered, which many of them are, if the water in your area is clean enough to drink right out of the faucet, it’s very much available.

 ACTION STEP

Put an empty bottle in your bag so you can keep filling it up and have all day at your seat. And to save on manufacturing costs, why not keep the bottle and use it over and over. Or get a fancy shmancy bottle that does the same job. Either way, having water at your disposable is a lifesaver.

2)

The next tip is kind of sneaky. It requires having a full bottle of water in each class. I know it’s a pain to drink because then you might have to go to the bathroom. I never liked to drink water at night so that I didn’t have to get up in the middle. But that was flawed thinking. The body needs it.

ACTION STEP

Drink, at least, 8 ounces of water – that might be half your bottle – 30 minutes before it’s time to eat or snack.  That way, the water will make it easier for you to stretch out the time, and it will help to balance out your raging appetite. If 8 ounces doesn’t do it, try 16 ounces. 16 ounces can’t really hurt your body. It can make you full and make it easy to control your appetite. It’s also nothing anyone can tease you over. It’s always good to hydrate the body, so that’s what you are doing. Plus you will be more alert in class, even if you’re just sitting there texting in class or writing notes.

3)

Tip 3 has to do with, yes, you guessed it, water.

ACTION STEP

When you are totally hungry, go wash your face, not drinking it, using it. Of course, not every teacher will allow you to leave the room when you want. But, if you can’t go to the bathroom to wash your face, you also can’t go to the vending machine.

Make sure to wash your face immediately after class, if you get the chance. It will slow your desire to race to the vending machine or corner store. While you are washing your face to slow down the hunger chemicals, drink a glass of water. It absolutely changes how you feel. Do it.

4)

The 4th tip has to do with what you bring from home. If you’re having trouble with weight, it’s a good idea to pre-pay for your lunch so that you can’t get too much or the wrong food.

This would mean that you would make your lunch at home, if you’re not on a meal plan.

This reminds me of my coconut milk ice cream activity. If I buy a pint, I will finish it by the end of the day. I won’t carefully designate separate dessert portions. So I rarely allow myself to bring it into the house. Because, not only will I eat the whole container’s worth, but I will get another container for the next 3 days in a row, until I will myself to stop through my super, duper Secret Consulting Method.

WarriorsofWeight Consulting

ACTION STEP

Leave your money home. Pre-pay for lunch or ask the dietician (through the school nurse) to plan your meals for you and only give you no choice, no matter what you ask for. You should have this discussion in private so that it is not a source of embarrassment.
Who knows? You might start a trend where everyone starts to ask for healthy food.
5)

The last tip is to be consistent. It’s easy to take a tip and do it once. The way it makes an impact and sustains itself is if it continues to happen. It requires strong mindset which, by the way, you have because struggles make us strong willed. Anyone who can overeat with vigor, has learned a strong habit and way to act. The eating food habit can be changed to a different behavior with the strength the habit has created.

ACTION STEP

Follow through on tips 1 through 4 and write down how often the first week. Then, it should be a more natural process.

CONCLUSION

Good luck on this journey. Please don’t give up if you continue to eat in ways that make you gain weight. Be patient, self-loving and consistent. Enjoy the small changes that will certainly come about. When you implement these tips, you will see how easy and effective they are.

FEEDBACK

Please leave a comment and LIKE us.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom.
She is very interested in helping teens. They are so vibrant and are at a crucial age with so many new possibilities sprouting in front of them. Diane says,

“It’s the small, seemingly unimportant little changes that matter. These miniscule actions make us strong and confident. They also begin to replace our other behaviors. Even if you pick 1 tip and use it, it will serve you well. Because it will be a painless process of forming a new habit, that will lead you to wherever you would like.”

For help, check out Simple Secret Method Consulting.

REVELATIONS OF A WEIGHT WARRIOR, TRISH CARR: A TESTIMONY FOR MOMS AND DAUGHTERS-PART III (Issue 35B)

by Diane Gold

We are back with Part III from the interview with Trish Carr and her weight story. We open here talking about making an exception to the diet on Sunday and the cravings it causes.

We left off with Trish talking about the munchies she makes for good eating all week. She begins a conversation about the cycle sugar starts.

URGES

Trish
It’s the sugar. The sugar is really poison. Even on Sundays, when I choose to eat something that has refined sugar in it, I know it’s going to cause me to have cravings.

Diane
Well, that’s the thing. What I don’t get personally, I can’t just have one thing for one day. I am not that kind of addictive personality.
If I have something on Sunday, I will want to have it on Monday.

Trish
Right.

Diane

And I will want to have it double on Tuesday.

Trish
Yeah, absolutely.

Diane
And that’s how it will go. So, for me, I would usually prefer not to have it at all. And that’s fine. I’m good with that.

For me, it’s not usually food.

Diane Narrative
This comment is my testament to the fact that I have throughout life, had many urges. Food was not usually one of them but it tempts me now. Any urge, though, creates the same process in my body and requires the same control as for any other substance. I have even felt addictive feelings for a significant other.

Diane
Even though I’m slender, I could be unslender in a pinch. Sometimes, I’ll bring something home which might be sweet. And I know, well, I did that today, And, oh, well guess what? I brought the same thing home two day after that. And two days after that. And then, I’ll just not do it for a year. I absolutely have to control that very carefully.

Diane Narrative
Or I could be sucking up excess fats and oils in a heartbeat.

The urge cycle is rarely talked about. In many programs, we are encouraged to tell stories about events that have taken place such as,

“I went to the health food store and purchased two pints of coconut milk ice cream. I came home and ate them. I felt sick,”

Instead of being restricted from talking about events and still encouraged to talk about what made us act on an urge like this,

“I was feeling alone since I had no friends. Instead of going to the library group, the full moon celebration, the free dance session in the park, I ate too much coconut milk ice cream and felt sick.

If we spoke more about what led us to act on these behaviors, we might be in a better place.

Now I ask Trish what she would say to people who cannot control the cravings that come after the relaxed Sunday schedule. (And based upon the rate of relapse, most people do not control themselves well for any length of time.)

URGE TIP OF THE YEAR

Trish
What I do is when I have something that’s going to cause a craving, I will tell someone else to please pay attention that I don’t have any more of this, and ask them to call me on it. So, I need an accountability partner.

Diane
Accountability partner is great. Which is why people who want to lose weight, have most of the time, used some type of group weight loss program. It’s the accountability. It’s also being able to communicate with others about it and the bonding.

HAVING A SUPPORT STRUCTURE

Diane Narrative
Trish talks about enrolling other people in supporting you in being accountable.

Trish
How many times people say I’m going to …lose weight? But as soon as you say it to another person, it raises your level of accountability.

Diane Narrative
There is an interesting article, from 2004, by Charlotte Huff. It’s called “Teaming Up To Drop Pounds.” She references a study that shows that participants who enrolled in a program with friends had higher rate of successfully keeping the weight off after six months than those who enrolled alone.

SUPPORT COMMUNITY FOR DAUGHTERS

Trish
One of those people is your mom. But the mom’s got to come from ‘I love you,’ I care about you,’ ‘I see you greater than you see yourself.’

Diane
That is fantastic. I love that one.

Diane Narrative
I ask Trish about what she would suggest for warriors of weight whose families bring the wrong food into the house.

Trish
For me, it’s about having a conversation with the other person.

Diane Narrative
When it’s the daughter who needs a special food plan and the adults are not helping, it is very difficult. Listen to the other things that Trish mentions that will definitely help.

IT’S THE MIND

Trish
There are lots of things that I did.
1)    I journaled every day what I ate.
2)    I start the day with, ‘This is how I plan my day to go.’
3)    I set my intention for the day.
It’s not just the food. Let’s be clear. Food is not the problem. Again, my mind is the problem.

So, there’s a lot of mindset things to do. And … once I do those, … you can put in front of me [some tasty chocolate snack], and I won’t want it.

But, if I’m white knuckling it all the time, with ‘Oh, I’m craving, craving, craving,’ then eventually you’re going to give in.

WHAT IF YOU HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM?

Diane
It’s very hard for many people who don’t have that support system. And the other thing you had said that daughters should use the support system they have in the home which is the mom. What about daughters who don’t have a support system because either the mom isn’t going to listen or there isn’t one.

Trish
Right. And that’s where creating your own structure comes in…Every time you want to eat something that’s not on your food plan, pick up a pen and paper and write down what you’re thinking.

Diane
Absolutely.

Trish
Why are you having these thoughts? What is really going on? Because food is just a therapeutic way to get past whatever it is you’re feeling. Just like drugs are. Food is my drug of choice.

Diane
Um-hmm.

Trish
It’s really those mindset things, Diane.You can work with the food and manipulate the food and get to the size you want, but I don’t want to be white knuckling it for my whole life.

Diane
Right.

BIG TIPS
DON’T WEIGH IN TOO MUCH

Trish
I also very much kept track of my success. I have a spread sheet that I keep. Once a week, I weighed myself. Didn’t do it every day. Big mistake, getting on the scale every day. The greatest demotivator is when you’re not losing or you actually go up when you worked very hard.

I also did my measurements so that I could see. When I added exercise on a regular basis, I lost almost a whole size without losing one pound.

Diane
That is how it goes.

Trish
So, if I’m looking at the scale, I’m thinking, ‘Oh, wow. Too bad I haven’t lost anything. Well, why should I bother working out?’

Diane
Right.

TAKE MEASUREMENTS

Trish
But if I take my measurements, I can see, wow, I’m [one size less than I was].

Diane
Great point.

Trish
The other thing is semantics. We’re always losing weight. What’s the first thing you do when you lose something?

You look for it. So get rid of that expression.

Diane
Yeah, delete.

Trish
People say, ‘I release it.’ That’s too gentle. This is something that you hate. This is something you do not ever want to see again. So don’t be gentle. You get rid of this stuff so that it doesn’t come back.

CONCLUSION

Preparing this set of articles was very enjoyable for two reasons:
1) because the interviewing process is such a great way to get to know someone and
2) because the 3-article-set is so chock full of amazing strategies.

We hope you take from the article and use a tip for yourself.  And, if you have a tip or story of your own, we’d love to hear from you.

FEEDBACK

Please leave a comment and LIKE at http://warriorsofweight.com/?p=1121. And, when you’re on Facebook, go to http://facebook.com/warriorsofweight and click LIKE. We’re working on the page and would appreciate comments.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert and a dedicated mom.

She is on the look-out for the next story and has a new passion within interviewing: hearing about weight stories and turning interviews into articles so that all can benefit. Diane says,

“If you take any one tip from this set of articles and use it for a 3 days in a row or more, it will bring greater results than you can possibly imagine. Do it!”

MEDITATION FOR WEIGHT LOSS (Issue 6)

by Diane Gold

Meditation for weight loss is a huge topic. You might be saying,

“It seems impossible that if I meditate, I will lose weight.”

“How can meditation help weight loss?”

“After all this time, all I have to do is meditate, and I will lose weight?”

The statement is quite powerful, as it is sincerely meaningful. Meditation is the act of focusing on “no thing” through a study of focusing attention on one thing. This article will look at meditation as a solution for many where “other” systems have had minimal success.

The obvious secret weapon that meditation offers is that it doesn’t require working out or body motion, often dreaded when we want or need to lose weight because we feel too uncomfortable to move or we’re dismal.  There’s no big effort to get it started. The only thing moving is internal, it only takes a minute and it makes you feel good.

So what is this meditation for weight loss? We have to recognize that, for every system of our body, there is some type of release valve, like on a pressure-cooker, radiator or properly operating oil rig. We, humans, have our own pressurized systems resulting in nerve pressure, blood pressure, intestinal pressure, bladder pressure, eye pressure, brain pressure and so on. The body has a specific way of relieving excess pressure, or we start to break.

The mind is a human system of conscious experience and intelligent thought. It, too, feels pressure and needs a relief valve or else. It is very hard work to spend a full 24-hour period without giving the mind a break, especially if the day includes worry, anxiety, poor self-esteem, frustration, stress. We all experience all of these emotions from time to time. However, weight losers who are having trouble doing it have these emotions while they also have the pressures of a day-job (corporate or independent), going to school or mothering. The exhaustion and stress caused by the weight issues is enough to make you want to do what?

Specific to our topic, I will say the word: “eat.” There, I said it. To let off steam as our release valve, we eat. For people with weight gain issues, the opposite is true, too. The strongest minds with “bad feeling overload” may end up with no appetite and become unhealthy because of it.

Here’s what we know about the mind, that fragile piece of real estate that we know so little about:

1)    we function more successfully without pressure
2)    we can train ourselves to focus to remove pressure
3)    we can choose to live in ways that can minimize pressure
4)    we can train ourselves to recognize the signs of pressure before it is there
5)    we can awaken deeper levels in ourselves

With that in mind, is it clear how meditation is connected to weight loss? When we meditate,

1)    we give ourselves a personal place of stillness
2)    we learn to stand still
3)    we learn to have a focus
4)    we allot time out
5)    we evolve

Imagine if every time we felt stress of some sort, we could do half a minute of meditation, and the stress would go away. Our emotional eating would reduce once we learned that a tiny taste of the meditative mind could give us a different perspective which could help reduce food cravings.

As we said before, meditation is focus. The more we practice, the more adept we become at having our mind follow the path we design for it, rather than having our mind follow its own, undirected whims. It is not simple to rein in the mind, but some ways are simpler than others.

When I was 21 years old, living in Washington Square Village, I followed a philosophy that included two-and-a-half hours of meditation a day. For 5 years, I sat in two prescribed positions on a daily basis. Did I meditate? The answer to this question requires understanding that meditation is not a physical action. The mind has to cooperate through being trained to do it.

My answer is that I almost never “meditated,” even though I spent 2.5 hours in meditation position. The method prescribed concentrated on more than one thing at a time, and my mind was easily distracted. To this day, as a positive result of that training, I teach a simple method where focusing on one thing is not impossible. No mantras, no looking at clouds, no techniques that can split the mind. We are scattered enough.

The trick to weight loss meditation is to change your reaction to the urge to eat or the urge to eat what you have decided you would prefer not to eat at the time. Where your reaction used to be to get instant gratification, be sad, be mad, be hasty; you can change your behavior by standing in meditation position for 30 seconds. This act may give you an opportunity to grab your mind away from that urge when you want to eat and it is not time to eat, or when you want your mind to lead you well, rather than comply without choice.

Here are steps to follow once a day for a month at the time of hunger, when you would like to postpone your eating, eat less, lower your urge level or simply change your perspective. This certainly will slow you down and give you a moment to be your own boss.

By the way, if this is not an impactful experience the first time, do it again. At least for two weeks. It might grow on you. You might start to be able to see another aspect of yourself. How much fun would that be!

1)    Stand with feet shoulder width apart.
2)    Bend the knees.
3)    Tuck the butt.
4)    Straighten the back.
5)    Lean forward 2 inches from the waist.
6)    Make sure arms are relaxed with palms at side of thigh, hanging.
7)    Take the left hand and semi-point the index finger from the relaxed position.
8)    Slowly, meditatively, draw a counterclockwise circle from the right side of the body to the left, 3X, 3/4 of an arms-length in front of you.
9)    Place arm back at the side, dropped arm position, no tension.
10)  Relax a second or two.
11)  Take the left hand and semi-pointing the index finger from the relaxed position
12)    Slowly, meditatively, draw a clockwise circle from the left side of the body to the right, 3X, 3/4 of an arms-length in front of you.
13)    Place arm back at the side, dropped arm position, no tension.
14)    Relax.

This meditation affects weight loss through the body’s working to pump the blood through the legs in the standing position. Most of the result comes from taking your focus away from other distractions, including food. You are undoing stress in yourself, so you will be better equipped to proceed and succeed at weight loss.

CONCLUSION

There are many ways to meditate, and there are a myriad of programs on weight loss. This particular combination of meditation for weight loss uses 30 plus years’ experience at stripping down to basics the act of meditation and the act of changing an urge. As with any meditation, it is very personal. There is no wrong. There is also no comparison chart for you to use. This is for you.

Your questions and comments are always welcome. Particularly for this article, if you would like to ask a personal question about your experience, please do.

YOUR FEEDBACK

Always feel free to share your stories by commenting below and by email at: 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She says, “Any action changes our perspective. The simpler we make things in preparation, the easier they will be. The more we repeat the same action, the more we will understand it.”

A WINNING COMBINATION: GRADES IN SCHOOL AND SELF-ESTEEM (Issue 5)

by Florence Bernard

It’s the fact that the better the grades are at school, the higher the self-esteem is in the student. This goes for good students, failing students, big-sized, medium and small students.

So there is really one

COACHING FOR EXPERTS: A RESOURCE FOR MOMS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS (Issue 4)

by Diane Gold

I wanted to talk about how prudent it is to consider a coach, no matter how much education we have. Often, experience, rather than formal education, can make a great coach.

It is brave for us moms to consider being coached. Why? Because we are supposed to be experts, know how to do it, and getting a coach could negate our perfection. Or would it show our willingness to grow and evolve? Of course, I think the second.

It is fairly common for athletes and musicians to work with a coach for the length of their careers. As Atul Gawande mentions in his article, Personal Best, in the New Yorker, coaches can be our extra set of eyes (in the case of Gawande, himself, who did cardiac surgery) or ears (as Itzhak Perlman says his wife is for his music performance). What stops some of us deemed “experts” from obtaining a coach in our field are (1) ego, believing we are the queen of wisdom and highest authority on a subject (like motherhood) and (2) exposure, not willing for another to watch over our shoulders and see our mistakes.

MOMS = EXPERTS

Moms fall into the category of experts. They have experienced growing a child inside the body and giving birth. They have made decisions about the environment of their child which require lots of rapid judgment calls. Since the road to mastery is through repetition, moms get their expert label. When they bond with other moms in social conversations or mastermind groups, the benefit each gets from the other’s stories is informative and helpful. Although it is not coaching, many techniques are passed on through word of mouth (or electronically through webinars and group video calls).

Almost as infrequently as you hear about doctors getting coaches, how often do you hear that a mom is going to get coached on parenting? What is fairly common is psychological counseling or psychiatric services. Neither of these is the same as coaching. The therapist or counselor may advise. The coach, on the other hand, comes up with action steps and motivates the client for immediate action and future use.

More often, families wait until their behaviors get so stretched out of their comfort zone that dysfunction sets in, before doing something about it. In more traditional cultures, getting a coach is deemed inappropriate because like Vegas, what goes on in the home stays in the home and tradition teaches that it is wrong to discuss home matters outside the home. More modern cultures accept coaching and counseling in more areas than sports, music or severe mental issues and recognize its merit.

COACHES AS PROFESSORS

In my mother’s day, it was unheard of to need a coach whether for a mom or a daughter (and Mom had a degree in psychology and I frequented a therapist, which was uncommon and thought of as drastic). In modern days, we still have a stigma around the proactive decision to go for help and still think of the need as admission of failure to perform well or lack of prowess. If we thought of coaches or counselors as mentors or professors, the stigma would disappear.

Most moms would never consider finding a coach for themselves, especially for parenting or communicating. They, along with everyone in the United States for the past 50 years, know about the therapist, the psychologist, the psychiatrist. But, the coach? That’s only for sports and music, right? But let’s get back to experts.

It is common to have a scholastic team to support us during our PhD work. We have our own personal advisors who walk with us as we analyze our subject and write our thesis. In order to differentiate between an expert and an amateur, we get an advanced rating and are proud to place a PhD or a DVM on our wall. We may choose more study, emphasis on another subject or an intricate part of the same subject.

What we don’t do, yet, is keep a coach once we graduate with our special diploma:
a.    because we have just finished 15 to 20 years of training, and we are tired of being evaluated.
b.    because we are under the illusion that reaching black belt status means we have reached the top. In fact, such a designation signifies the beginning of a long-term study, the achievement of basic understanding and having absorbed 10% of a subject rather than its mastery.
c.    because our egos, in a similar manner, want us to be the authority now that we have worked so hard and are no longer the scrutinized one, but the scrutineer.

How many times have we, as moms, resented our own moms’ putting their two cents in? Maybe when we were setting parameters for our daughters or teaching them values, having our moms step in was not to our liking.

Having our moms invade our territory is akin to how our daughters feel about us, at times or all the time. I remember the territoriality reversed, one day, when I tried to give my mom driving directions from her suburban home to a New York City location near my New York City apartment. (Of course, she had been nearby hundreds of times, but I knew exactly where she was going and knew current construction and thought I would offer help.) The instructions were refused, politely, because my mom was protecting the domain of expertise her husband had. She felt challenged on his behalf such that her acceptance of my help might minimize his expertise and, in turning down the directions, said something that paraphrased like, “Oh, let’s leave it to your stepfather; he’s an expert at that.” I understand completely because he was one of her heroes and they held each other on mutual pedestals.
How many times have we, as moms, resented our own moms’ putting their two cents in? Maybe when we were setting parameters for our daughters or teaching them values, having our moms step in was not to our liking.

Having our moms invade our territory is akin to how our daughters feel about us, at times or all the time. I remember the territoriality reversed, one day, when I tried to give my mom driving directions from her suburban home to a New York City location near my New York City apartment. (Of course, she had been nearby hundreds of times, but I knew exactly where she was going and knew current construction and thought I would offer help.) The instructions were refused, politely, because my mom was protecting the domain of expertise her husband had. She felt challenged on his behalf such that her acceptance of my help might minimize his expertise and, in turning down the directions, said something that paraphrased like, “Oh, let’s leave it to your stepfather; he’s an expert at that.” I understand completely because he was one of her heroes and they held each other on mutual pedestals.

I can also recall a similar attitude on my part when my mom was giving me advice. I felt challenged because I wanted to do”it” my way.

THE SOLUTION

So what’s the solution to closing the gap between being an expert and being an expert who can use a coach? Like anything else, behavior and social attitude change take time. The more commonplace it becomes for doctors, lawyers, teachers, and, yes, moms, to get coached and share their stories in hopes of getting constructive criticism to make them better, the more we are acclimated to the idea that we are only as expert as our current training, and coaching is a good and fruitful idea.

Having a coach for moms could be the next fiery niche. What if we could discuss how to approach our daughters when they consistently said they didn’t want to talk about their recurring problems with a professional? Or if we knew how to show our daughters our concern over their weight habits without their seeing us as judgmental, how great would that be? Fleshing out these types of situations can help us personally and for our daughters.

It is important to realize that getting coached can make you better. Finding a coach doesn’t mean you have failed. It shows you are open enough to look for continued excellence in yourself and are not afraid to take steps to achieve it. At all costs, if you resist the urge to defend yourself, you might excel exponentially.

FIVE ITEMS THAT MAY COME UP IN YOUR COACHING SESSION

Here are five ways a coach might help a mom.

1.    A coach could point out ways the mom forces her will on her daughter. Sometimes, it is hard to see what we do because we are involved in it.

2.    A coach could point out easily how the mom is using language that antagonizes, humiliates or defeats her daughter and causes her to close up, give up or become distant.

Well, you might say, can’t we look in a mirror and do these things? Yes, but when a professional coach observes and speaks, we are more heavily impacted. It would be hard to justify how this objective observer could be calling shots that don’t exist.

3.    A coach could point out how the mom asks the daughter to behave in a certain way, but acts the opposite way herself. Sending double messages, “ Do as I say, not as I do,” is a no, no. Most of us, as adults, find it hard to remember how we felt as kids.

4.    A coach could point out sensitivities in our daughters that we might not even be aware of: how nicknames hurt, how low self-esteem prevails when mom compliments daughter, how low grades sting. The coach is objective, an extra set of eyes and trained to bring out your best.

5.    A coach could facilitate realization, creativity, personal development, family development. These are why you thought about a coach in the first place.

CONCLUSION

Whenever we jump into a situation and truly immerse ourselves in new training, we come to new understandings. Whether we need a new stereo and have to research what we can buy or we take a course in human communication; whether we join a local forum to discuss mom and daughter issues or we start a physical fitness regime as a catalyst for our daughters; we grow and learn. We always learn. So, it should make perfect sense that moms need coaches, even though moms, by experience, are supposed to be experts.

What makes us experts is not so much that we have begun a journey of knowledge. It is that we are willing to become coachable because we have discovered that we can always learn more. That wisdom shows true expertise.

________

Does any of this strike you as familiar? The fact that experts don’t get coached for ego’s sake? It is time to put the pride where it belongs and better ourselves for our daughters. If this involves coaching, good. If not, also OK.

YOUR FEEDBACK

If any of you have come across any of the five points above in your conquest to be the best mom for your daughter, please share your stories  by commenting below.

NICKNAMES, ROLE MODELING AND PARENTING, OH, MY! (Issue 3)

by Allison Agliata

“Oh, my gosh, aren’t they so cute? Just look at the adorable, chunky thighs on that baby!”

We say it with such affection and genuine adoration. At 6 months old, these conversations may be perfectly acceptable and end without emotional trauma, but as our children quickly grow we need to be mindful of the message we send. The way children feel about their own bodies is easily influenced by how we address them  and how we feel about our own physique.

I may not be sharing any earth shattering information when I tell you that parents are the most influential adults in a child’s life, but I am going to hone in on some specific information. Did you know that fathers are ranked as the number one teaser in girls’ lives, followed closely by brothers? Now, I am not out to crucify the male species, but let’s think about the obvious difference between the male and female species. We clearly relate differently. Men often having a less direct way of communicating their affection to others. Often fatherly and brotherly love comes in the form of adorable little nicknames that begin when our children are small and then something happens; the nickname sticks!

Other family members join in and your children are torn between the affection that is associated with their nickname and the negative connotation it carries. It may not even occur to us when they are little that the nickname is, at the very least, unflattering; but as they get older and are more self-conscious about their bodies, some names can be downright demeaning! Girls’ self-esteem can be fragile during adolescence and is often significantly impacted by these seemingly innocent jests, so please be careful about what names you pick and how they affect your children.

Now, let’s talk about Moms. It has been written that same-sex parents are the most influential, so let’s see what some real power can do. Unfortunately, we feed the same problem by placing so much emphasis on appearance for our children. Our language surrounds what we see,

“Aren’t you cute?”

“Don’t you look beautiful!”

“I love that new outfit.”

“You look so slim in that.”

Really? Are those the important qualities we want our children to be concentrating on? Particularly, our daughters, suffer from this emphasis on external beauty, and they internalize a long standing need to feel accepted and approved.

Women are stereotypically described as perpetually dissatisfied with their bodies, and we role model this discontent. We read fashion magazines filled with people who look nothing like us, follow diets that rarely work, constantly talk about what we should or should not eat, and express general disgust with our physique. This, my female friends, is the social norm for us. How very sad that we must walk around spewing unsatisfactory comments about ourselves to be accepted. In fact, do you know anyone who talks about how happy she is with her body or who does not negate an appearance-related compliment?

“What, this old dress?”

“You really think I look slimmer? Just 10 more pounds to go!”

Even if we do feel good, we feel the need to dismiss it or reach for more. What happened to just being satisfied with what we have currently?

With such role modeling, how do we expect our children to feel any different about their bodies than we do about our own? It starts with our changing our tune, appreciating our bodies for what they allow us to do: exercise to feel strong physically and mentally, bear and play with our children, and participate in enjoyable life activities. If our focus changed from our exterior appearance to what our bodies provided for us, think of the impact.

Here are a few suggestions on how to put our parental influence to work:

1)  Watch Our Language: Yes, this one is painfully obvious, but not always as easy as we think. Be careful about the nicknames. It may seem silly, but I can tell you it is brought up over and over again in therapy sessions. Save yourself the money and choose a name that is healthy and appropriate!Try to curb your appearance-related comments. I know this is not going to eliminate every comment regarding appearance and there may even be times when a, “Wow!  You look amazing!” is totally appropriate (shall we say prom night?), but on the whole, ensure that your focus is on your child’s character and accomplishments. Try this on for size, “You must feel great about [accomplishment, ex.: getting that award]. That shows real [character trait, ex.: courage].”  After all, isn’t that what we really care about?

2) Be Active: First and foremost, role model appropriate levels of activity. Having your children watch you incorporate any kind of physical activity into your daily routine will help them realize it is a priority to you and will help them internalize this message for their future health.  The goal, however, is to be consistent! If you are constantly battling between forcing yourself to do 2 hours of cardio a day versus doing nothing, the message becomes that exercise is a chore. Being an extremist makes things complicated and rarely sends the intended message or helps you physically. If you could find a happy medium of an activity you enjoy and can stick to, the more positive your message will be that this is your chosen healthy lifestyle.

Try choosing an activity that is more in line with something you enjoy, for example a sport you love or walking with a friend so you can socialize. You are far more likely to keep up a consistent model if you are genuinely benefiting from the activity. Additionally, this might create some interest from your child, whom you could try to include and create quality time with…bonus!

3) Talk Positively about your own Body: I know, I know. It seems hardly possible for some of us, but let’s just try it.  Let your kids catch you talking about how good exercise feels, not because it keeps you thin, but because it makes you strong and healthy. Discuss how confident you feel when you appear professional rather than how pretty you are or are not. Express appreciation for being able to take an active role in your child’s life when playing with them. These comments may not come naturally and may seem minute, but with practice, they can become affective statements that help alter your child’s self-perception and instill a sense of…wait for it..Self-Satisfaction! Imagine that!

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Dr. Allison Agliata spends her days as counselor at the prestigious Carrollwood Day School, an International Baccalaureate School in Tampa. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology, has served four years as psychologist in the U.S. Air Force and spends her free time as a mom, wife, baker and traveler. Check her out in our experts section: warriorsofweight.com/experts.
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GET YOUR WISH: 10 STEPS TO DISCOVERY (Issue 2)

by Diane Gold

Early on, I can remember marketing coaches asking me what I wanted. On more than one occasion, I would answer them by talking about one project idea after another, not focusing on one idea. I had an expert at my fingertips and no crystalline vision on my tongue. If I couldn’t come up with my own desire, how could someone help me with it? Having multiple creative projects in my head, as a rule, led me to understand how important it is to focus on one idea and have a priority and to-do list to execute.

This brings me to the topic of our main essay in this issue: Knowing Your Wish And Getting It. I talk about what it can mean to pinpoint direction, and I include a 10-step to-do list to get us there. The steps should take no more than 5 minutes. Some of us will only use 8 steps, so let’s go.

I’ve been working with many moms and daughters through martial arts and personal development training. What I’ve found is that focus makes winners; consideration for self generates strength and follow-through.

If we could have one wish to change one thing about ourselves, what would it be? Would we wish to look like “eye candy” that sells media headlines? Maybe yes, but would that be our primary wish? Would we wish to know our daughters more completely? Would we make a wish of health for our daughters or ourselves? Would we wish to give our wish to our daughter instead of ourselves? Or would we wish to work to eliminate hunger in our life time? Which would we choose?

To be faced with deciding our path, when there are so many avenues, can leave us stumped, unsure and even stuck. The interesting thing is that many of us would jump at the opportunity for a free wish but have not selected what it would be. Knowing the direction we want to go is half the achievement and certainly a motivating force. Getting it is the rest.

Here’s a parable about the wish collector, who can give out wishes, a woman who walks the earth helping people with their wishes, and the girl who wants a wish.

The wish collector comes to visit the girl as she is walking up to her doorstep. She says,

“OK, my wonderful girl. You have 30 seconds to make a wish to change something in or for yourself. Are you ready?”
The girl says,

“Well, Ms. Wish Collector, that is a tough question because there are so many wishes I have considered.”

Ms. Wish Collector says,

“That’s OK, dear girl. There’s no rush. I’ll be back another time after you’ve had time to think about it.”

One month passes and the wish collector doesn’t come back. The girl is patient because she meditates to music, but she notices eight months have passed, and the wish collector has not been back to visit her. All of a sudden, the girl hears her name. It’s the wish collector calling from the driveway. The collector is asking the girl whether she has decided on her number one wish. The girl says,

“I am so happy to see you, Ms. Wish Collector. I was busy being concerned about whether I would ever get another chance to make my wish. But, here you are.”

The girl smiles and looks happy but makes no attempt to speak. The wish collector asks,

“So, what did you decide?”

The girl says,

“I never took the time to really find my priority because I didn’t know when you were coming. I’ve been too worried about whether or not you would come back. I will pick anything that comes to my head because I know I only have 8 seconds left to make a wish and don’t want to lose my wish altogether or wait for you to come back again.”

The good news about this story is two-fold: we can figure out what we want, how valuable it is to us and what we are willing to give up to achieve it and the wish collector who leads us to contemplate our objective is within us. It is we who get to decide on our most precious goal, although we might want to keep it small enough so that we can succeed at it small increments at a time.

Here are some examples of reasonable wishes:
1. wanting a new mirror that will show your beauty and power. This requires going into the bathroom, getting your old mirror, washing it with some mirror cleaner and giving yourself a giant hug before you look in it.
2. having your daughter look forward to your phone calls or visits in her room. This requires not asking her a bunch of questions about her life: (author’s note: guilty of daughter question bombardment).
3. beginning to love the person you are. This requires winking at yourself and smiling afterwards. The act in itself will begin the movement.

Here is an example of a poorly thought-out wish:
the chance to walk down the runway in a Milan fashion show, today, if your only means of transportation is your feet, you are not in Milan and you don’t know anyone in the fashion industry well enough to drop in on a show.

The great news is we are worth the preparation of discovering our most important wish. We are smart enough to proceed to achieve it. And we are wise enough to reach out from our own journey and ask others to walk alongside us in partnership, as mother and daughter, as global women and as fellow human beings.

The conclusion here is this: in order to reach our ONE WISH, which is the path we choose for right now, we must consider what is most important to us. There is no rush, so we need proceed at our own pace. As long as we don’t procrastinate or consistently stray away from a decision through distraction. Writing down ideas helps a lot. Every time we cross one off or delete an idea, we are one step closer to having that one wish present in our mind. Once we have “it,” we can take a tiny sliver of an action that will take us a centimeter closer to achieving “it.” Big steps are OK, but we must be polished swimmers to jump into deep ocean. Most of us can do massively well by first stepping off the sandbar and proceeding slowly. Please be patient as I outline steps for finding the right wish for you now. They may seem easy and obvious, but going through the exercise of writing them down and proceeding one at a time builds momentum and keeps us directed.

1. Make a list of 10 wishes you would like to become reality now.
2. Eliminate those that cannot be started in one week’s time, down to 5. We can edit our wishes so that we pick one step of a wish that can be started in one week’s time.
3. Prioritize the 5.
4. Get rid of 3 by considering what would happen if we had 30 seconds to decide what our wish would be. Pressure usually helps, but not always.
5. Say out loud the first of these 2 as if it is our priority. Record it, and listen to it.
6. Do the same with the second of the 2.
7. Decide which one sounds as if we like the outcome.
8. That is the one. Say it LOUD in the mirror. We have it!
9. If that doesn’t work, tell ourselves we are going to flip a coin, and we do it.
10. If we are upset with the outcome, then we pick the opposite wish. Now, we have our wish for the wish collectors that we are.

How many times can we remember deliberating for so long that an opportunity passed us by?Taking too long to start can equal missing the boat. Please let us know how you did with this simple 10-step system (or maybe we were finished in 8 steps).

We would like to hear about your journey, so feel free to go online to warriorsofweight.com, click on this one under articles and leave a comment. Or go to our contact form at warriorsofweight.com/contact-us. Or email 1[at] warriorsofweight [dot] com.

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, site for Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert. She says, “Making a wish is a three-step process: knowing our wish, committing to it and taking one step forward.”

MAKING A NEW DECISION, DECIDING NOT TO DECIDE OR DECIDING FOR ONE HOUR ONLY (Issue 1)

by Diane Gold

Warriors of Weight offers some insights on making a new decision, deciding whether to decide and realizing that most of our decisions are not forever. Most of us don’t realize that once we make a decision, we can re-negotiate that decision. Changing our decision does not mean failure to succeed. It means change for success. Often, the revelation that we are free to re-decide gives us enough freedom to proceed with no fear.

It came to me about a month ago, this simple and wonderful lesson on decisions, when I was speaking with my good friend, Glenn Livingston, a psychologist and marketer, with a compassionate and practical mind. So what does this have to do with decisions and Warriors of Weight? All day, we make decisions, some big, some small, that shape our path and that of our loved ones who are affected by them. Here’s what happened to me.

I was working on a project that needed a direction. Do I cross bridge A or take Bridge B? Glenn verbalized the brilliant idea that I should decide not to decide yet. Although I had been weighing the pros and cons of each of two courses of action, Glenn’s idea hadn’t occurred to me out loud. It was just what I needed to hear. Out loud. So, I went for it. In announcing to myself my choice not to decide, I saw the pressure I had created in thinking I had to decide. The pressure evaporated. I felt the freedom that comes from affirming a decision, in this case, deciding not to decide.

This determination led me to relax my thinking and my feelings on the issue. It also cleared my processing machine so that my decisions were based upon strategy, not pressure. Not too long after my proclamation of deciding not to decide, (an action, not an indecision), I came up with a simple new direction which, I knew, could be changed. I made the decision for one hour only, saying that, after that hour, I would weigh my decision. If it still made sense, I would keep it. If not, I would make a new one. As is usual, it took about 48 hours for me to remember to re-consider my decision. As it happened, my project started to morph, so my decisions morphed with it. But, I was able to get smoothly to that point by deciding not to decide and deciding for one hour at a time.

Here’s a simple example of deciding not to decide in action. In choosing an email address that woul

d express the flavor of this site targeted at weight, moms and healt

hy daughters; I came up with the customer support email address of 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com, which seemed the simplest and expressed the idea that readers, moms, daughters and experts, alike, would be one community. The second thought I had was how very important it is to have inner peace to be healthy and happy. This concept is paramount in dealing when moms dealing with their daughters on health issues. It seemed as though peaceIN [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com expressed the flavor of the site also.  So, which one should I choose?

The integral community as one OR the inner peace that we must have in order to walk the straightest path to our goals? I had to choose one. OR, I decided not to decide.Rejoicing in the freedom of having made a decision not to make a decision, Warriors Of Weight will have two email addresses, based on your personality: the first, 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com and, the second, peaceIN [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com. And here’s the great news. I can change this decision at any time. And that would be all right. It is one of the gifts we often have in our lives.

Let’s talk about deciding for an hour. What is the significance of this? Let’s say I want to help my daughter to achieve one of her goals, but she has told me she is sensitive about the subject and that she wants to handle it without my input and achieve her objective in her own way. So, in deference to her feelings, because I want to help her, have no need to prove that mom knows best; I will decide not to engage myself in the topic: for one hour only. At the end of this hour, if the topic is still at the forefront of my thoughts, I will re-evaluate my decision. I can:

1. Maintain my decision to honor my daughter’s wishes and allow her to proceed on her own, which will grow my relationship with my daughter because I will be considering her wishes and her feelings; and it will allow her to face the consequences of her actions on her own which will help her to grow into a good decision maker.
2. Approach my daughter gently and tell her I am available for that issue and check to see that she would still like to pursue her goal without my interference or help, however she perceives it.
3. Change my decision and walk into her issue because I am the mom, I have the right, I have been through circumstances like it or I must show her the way. This could weaken the relationship with my daughter, would force her to follow my wishes, could show her my ability to help, could weaken her skills in independent action, and might cause her to close me out.

The way decision making usually works is that, once we have made a decision, we settle into it. We are relieved that we have made it, and we have a party that we no longer have to make it. Usually, we will not have the urge to renegotiate the decision in one hour. So, it might be a day or two or a week before we even think about it again.

The one hour interval is an arbitrary time slot that helps us with our original decision. Rather than thinking our decision is made for life, such as I will never eat popcorn again or I will never help my daughter again, we realize we can change our decision in as little as 60 minutes, and this makes our decision easier to make. After all, what’s an hour?

We can always write a journal article for an hour until it is time for us to examine our decision. And, in an hour, we may decide not to change our decision or forget completely we were letting an hour pass.

Since we spend more time with ourselves than with anyone else, we know lots about ourselves. We use whatever we can to make the most sensible decisions. Sometimes, there is a rush. But, often times, in working on relationships, in working on ourselves, we have time to wait before a final countdown occurs. At least an hour. So stepping out into a new decision becomes easier if we remember we can change it back in an hour.

Decisions can be fun. Knowing we can change them back keeps us pliable, loose and stress free. The one-hour decision concept might just give us the power we need to motivate ourselves up the ramp and out of the rut we have stepped in so that we can excel through our own actions. We have inner strength which decision making uses. Long live the ability to decide for just an one-hour.
Try this experiment: next time you are thirsty for a drink other than water, forfeit the drink, and go drink a glass of water. Resolve that you will wait on having your drink of choice for one hour. See how you feel in 60 minutes. The urge will probably have changed. You many not remember about it, and don’t set your alarm. The idea is to notice how inconsequential the original urge becomes. And you have controlled your destiny rather than your urges controlling it.

Now that we have spoke about decisions and a small experiment, why not share any insights. OK, you can wait an hour and see how you feel. Do the experiment, and share the results. Do you have any other stories to share about a decision that you made for a minute or an hour, one where you made a discovery, employed a strategy or all-out changed your life- path? We would like to hear about you by email to: 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com, peaceIN [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com or through our online form at: http://warriorsofweight.com/contact-us/.

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, site for Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert. She is also writing a book called Urges. She says, “As we understand that decisions can be changed, we develop an ease and a confidence in making them.”