The Avocado Story And Fat Can Be Good (Issue 11)

by Anahad O’Connor and Dave Lieberman

(Anahad) Most of us have been programmed for years to think that cutting back on fat in every shape and form is the shortest path to better health. But the science could not be any clearer. Focus on the right kind of fat, and you’re likely to lose weight, protect your ticker, and lower your risk of all sorts of diseases. Scientists have known this is the case since at least the 1940s, when out of the devastation of World War II came one of the most crucial nutritional discoveries of the last century.

The setting was post-war Europe, southern Greece. In 1947, the Rockefeller Foundation sent researchers and humanitarian aid workers to the palm-dappled island of Crete, a land steeped in ancient history. Previously a paradise, the island had been left in near ruins after a brutal invasion and occupation by German and Italian forces. When the Rockefeller researchers arrived, they were sure they’d find rampant malnutrition. Compared to Americans, the Cretans ate like peasants. Wartime dinner tables were bereft of dairy, and protein was scarce. Instead the locals ate mostly bread, nuts, legumes, some fruits and vegetables and ample amounts of fat, some from fish and animals and a lot of it from olive oil.

But the diseases that the researchers were sure they’d find among the Cretans were nonexistent. Cardiovascular disease, cancer and other ills were almost unheard of, and life expectancy was high.

That was in stark contrast to what scientists found when they examined six other countries, especially one much further north, Finland. Physically, the Finns could not have been more different from the people of Crete. They were loggers and farmers, standing tall, strong, and rugged. Malnutrition was not a concern. Like the Cretans, the Finns ate plenty of fat, most of it from meat, milk, and their national condiment, butter. They also had cholesterol levels that were similar to what was seen in Crete. But unlike the Cretans, the Finns had extraordinary rates of heart disease, the highest in the world. Sharp chest pains were as much a part of reaching midlife in Finland as a fiftieth birthday, except that the chest pains came first. Many Finnish children knew their grandparents only from pictures.

Some researchers thought the difference was genetics, or perhaps Crete’s balmy climate. But that theory was quickly disputed. Cretans who migrated to other countries, including tropical ones like Brazil, suffered the same rates of heart disease and cancer as their new countrymen. Speculation soon turned to tobacco. The Finns were known to like their cigarettes. But later studies showed that even in rural areas of Crete where the locals smoked frequently, drank heavily, and had other coronary risk factors, cardiovascular disease was low. Like a Doberman standing sentry over its turf, something in the Cretan diet was fiercely cardio-protective.

We know from more recent studies that the Finns were torturing themselves with the principal fat in their diet, saturated fat, while their Cretan counterparts were reaping huge rewards from the type of fat they were eating, monounsaturated fat.

The benefits of monounsaturated fat cannot be overstated. The medical literature on what it can do for you is enormous. It lowers bad cholesterol, raises the good kind, reduces inflammation, and prevents heart disease. Compared with the artery-gumming effects of saturated fat, it acts like arterial drain cleaner, keeping blood vessels clear and reducing harmful deposits. That’s the kind of fat anyone could love.

Balance may be a good thing, but experts say that when it comes to your fat intake, you definitely want the scales to tip heavily in favor of monounsaturated fat. Ask most people where they can find them, however, and beyond a mention of olive or canola oil, you’re almost guaranteed a blank stare. So consider yourself a Rockefeller scientist, on the verge of another great discovery. One of nature’s most abundant and perhaps surprising sources of monounsaturated gold is a food that plays almost no role in the average person’s diet: avocados. If the only time you eat them is in guacamole on Super Bowl Sunday, you’re making a huge mistake, like limiting green veggies to St. Paddy’s Day.

It’s time to make some room in your culinary repertoire.

Ounce for ounce, avocados have more fat than virtually any other fruit, which is why most people typically avoid them, busting them out in the kitchen only a couple times a year for football or Cinco de Mayo.

Avocados collect dust on supermarket shelves the rest of the year, making only brief appearances in California rolls and burritos, as we fill our plates with foods that are nutritionally inferior.
Avocados may be high in fat, but the bulk of it is monounsaturated; and, like all plant foods, they contain no cholesterol. In fact, with their extremely high levels of fiber, about 30 percent of the recommended daily amount in a single cup (the most of any fruit); they actually work to lower your cholesterol.

But it gets better. Half an avocado has only 150 calories. That’s less than a small tier of [fast food] fries (230 calories), and amazingly, it’s even less than a single serving of most [creamy] salad dressings (170 to 190 calories), which also come loaded with sodium and both trans and saturated fats. Why dump that on a perfectly healthy salad when you can top it off instead with the best fat possible in the form of a few slices of avocado?

If every American made that decision, our health and nutritional landscape would look a lot different. According to a joint report by researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health and Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, as many as a hundred thousand cardiac deaths in the United States could be prevented every year if people replaced the bad fats in their diet, particularly trans fats, with monounsaturated fat and its similarly healthy sidekick, non-hydrogenated polyunsaturated fat.

Then there’s potassium, the blood-pressure-reducing mineral that bananas are famous for. Bananas are a wonderful food, but avocados contain about 60 % more potassium. Like carrots in a candy store, avocados rarely get their due.

Consider avocados something of a culinary triple threat: tasty, versatile, and an excellent stand-in for other fats. As a health reporter who’s been through the studies and examined the science, I was sold a long time ago. But for all my good intentions, every time I experimented with avocados I would find myself right back in the same place: looking for … chips.

I just couldn’t seem to break out of the guacamole rut.

So I turned to Dave, who had dabbled only occasionally with avocados but quickly came around when he discovered their nutritional profile. In fact, he said, he had wanted to put them to good use all along.

(Dave) When I lived in Los Angeles, I thought I had entered an avocado Nirvana, because I had a big, beautiful avocado tree growing right on my deck. It was heavy with fat, green avocados. But I wasn’t the only one who had designs on them. Like clockwork, every time the avocados were ready to pick, I’d walk out onto the deck to find that every last one of them was gone, save for a few sad casualties left on the porch that were riddled with little tooth marks. That’s when I discovered I had squirrels. So much for my avocado heaven! That is, until now. Anahad finally gave me another good reason to dream up a bunch of ways to use avocado.

I’ve always loved avocados, but it wasn’t until I finally got around to experimenting with them that I realized just how truly versatile they are. Like most Americans, I’ve been pretty narrow in my avocado repertoire, sticking to salads, sandwiches, and dips. But …there’s a wide range of uses for avocado, from serving it hot in stews and soups to making it the starting point for delicious smoothies and desserts.

Preparing avocado in a sweet way was the most eye-opening part of this exploration for me. But in many parts of the world, particularly in South America and South Asia, enjoying avocado as a dessert with nothing more than some sugar …is de rigueur.

Treating avocado as a luscious dessert makes sense, considering its velvety richness. This heart-healthy fat content and mild flavor is exactly what makes avocado such a versatile ingredient. …With endless uses, avocado has everything you need to make it a staple at lunch, dinner and dessert.

Publisher’s Note:
It always seemed to me that avocados tasted so rich so that we would eat them and get full of good, healthy fat so that we could curb our appetites from the fullness we felt.

FEEDBACK
Please leave your comments below so others can share what you think.
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ANAHAD O’CONNOR

Anahad has been writing for the Science Section at the New York Times. He is passionate about investigative science and fitness reporting. He is one of our panelists whose full bio you will find in the Experts section. Check our Resources Tab to purchase The 10 Things You Need To Eat.

DAVE LIEBERMAN

Through watching his father cook, Dave started his relationship with food. He went from hosting a campus cooking show at Yale to hosting shows for the Food Network and authoring several books. He works as a personal chef in New York, NY.

Copyright © [2012] by [WarriorsOfWeight.com] – All Rights Reserved.
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Acupressure And Tapping: How They Can Help Your Weight (Issue 10)

by Hillary Talbott

There are many different [acupressure] points as well as many different patterns of disharmony that can lead to weight gain. It’s important to understand what your pattern of disharmony is that’s leading to the weight gain, if regular diet and exercise are not working.

In order to do this, locate your local acupuncture physician at AcuFinder.com.

Two common points that we’re going to discuss today, are Stomach-36 and Liver-3.

Now, Stomach-36 is a common point for regulating digestion. It has an auto regulating effect on the digestion, meaning that it can be used for things like diarrhea and constipation.

It tonifies digestion, whose deficiency can lead to weight gain. So, to find Stomach-36, we start by locating the two dimples under the knee, sometimes referred to as Calf’s Nose.

[Tonify means to increase energy, blood, chi in the area.]

It is approximately, one hand breadth below the lateral dimple. And it is also found by running your finger up the crest of the Tibia [lower leg bone in front] until it begins to curve out. Your finger will actually fall into a natural depression there.

So, applying firm pressure to Stomach-36 will help to tonify the digestive system, hopefully, leading to weight loss.

Another technique, known as tapping, is also effective here. You just want to tap on the point for about 30 seconds, at a time. Now, like all points, this point is found bilaterally on the body. So, you can find it on both legs. [Do it on both legs.]

Another point combination that is helpful for weight loss is Liver-3 and Kidney-1. These points are located on the foot. They’re particularly helpful when you find yourself eating out of frustration or stress. Which most of us happen to do, in this day and age.

So, to locate Liver-3, it is in the hollow, between the first and second metatarsal bones. And again, your finger will kind of fall into a dip here, just before the bones begin to close. Now, Kidney-1 is on the bottom of the foot, almost directly below Liver-3.

And pushing these two together, is very helpful for coursing Chi throughout the body, calming the mind and tonifying digestion. So, a gentle pressing technique is useful here. [Chi is vital life energy.]

And the tapping technique is very useful for calming a mind that just won’t quit  so that you can have better awareness and make good choices for yourself, as far as diet and exercise. I recommend doing this daily.

CONCLUSION BY DIANE GOLD

Hillary has given us some wonderful techniques to use for weight loss. They also stimulate our body’s energy, in general. Born from her successful experience with her own patients, the fact that she has shared them with us is a rare gift. We would ordinarily have to go to school or get acupuncture treatment to get this knowledge.

Such a small action as pressing or tapping can bring such a huge result. And these techniques  feel so good.

Caution:
When pressing or tapping, go about these actions gently. Take it easy until you know your strength. If you have any questions or you have any specific medical issues, please consult your medical professional first.

HILLARY TALBOTT, AUTHOR

Hillary Talbott, DOM, is an acupuncture physician and clinical herbalist in St. Petersburg, Florida. Her education in exercise physiology and health science education from University of Florida, led her to pharmaceutical hematology/oncology distribution work, a change of heart to Eastern Medicine and now, an emphasis on Women’s Health, through her professional degree in Oriental Medicine. See her full bio and contact info in our experts section on the main site here.

FEEDBACK

Feel free to comment below so that we can let Hillary know our results from pressing and tapping.  Comments are always welcomed and appreciated.

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NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS THAT WORK: WEIGHT LOSS, 2012 (Issue 9)

by Diane Gold

New Year’s Resolutions? When the calendar changes from December of one year to January of another year, we reflect. We take note of our accomplishments, our failures, our destiny, our direction. Whether we are more successful than at any other time in our lives, whether we are making slow progress towards our objectives or whether we are in a funk and working on nothing; we reflect. We use this time to help us set priorities, persevere, motivate, initiate, produce and thrive.

Why is this so universal?

Every day, we, who have freedom of choice and just enough to eat, make decisions about our day, every day. Each time we do our school work or our professional work; we choose a path toward our greatest current priority. Whether we want to stay in our family’s good graces so we have a roof over our head or whether it’s to make enough money to pay for our home or kids; our actions, for the most part, are a conscious effort to proceed toward and, hopefully, succeed at our goal.

Let’s talk about some of the most popular New Year’s Resolutions that pertain to weight loss.

1)    I will lose 100 pounds this year.
2)    I will lose 10 pounds a month for 6 months in a row.
3)    I will stop eating sugar.
4)    I will skip breakfast.
5)    I will skip lunch.
6)    I will eat one meal a day for 3 months.
7)    I will stop eating carbohydrates.

What all these resolutions have in common is that they are extreme, not gradual. They cause a biological roller coaster that puts the body into a tailspin. The biological effect of skipping a meal or eating less or changing foods can be big. The idea of eliminating a food or a meal may be disastrous. The psychological effect for anyone with an “urge to eat” issue is huge. The combination of mental and physical effects can cause anything from depression to reduction in kidney function.

The tricky thing about severe diets is that the diet can seem to work as pounds drop off. The body feels better because of the psychological elation from weighing less. There is also a chance that the diet may tax the organ systems, which could cause medical problems. If the body does well, what commonly occurs after the initial period of losing weight is that it is difficult to maintain the weight that has been lost.

We all know that practice, practice, practice gets us to our goal in whatever discipline we are. In music, we always asked, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall,” with that same answer. Practice works in weight loss, too.

Learning a new way to eat requires a regulated and consistent period of time. It cannot be cultivated by removing a main component of an eating plan in a speedy fashion. The dietary change in extreme diets is so intensely different from the old plan that the body doesn’t get the time to adjust to it.

Similar to the idea that we need to eat slowly so that we take the 20 minutes the body needs to realize it is being fed, we need time to acquire the will power to maintain each new step of our new diet. We need to stabilize the new additions or subtractions we make to our diet for several weeks to a month (this would change depending upon the individual) before we go to the next step in any diet. This way, once we have taken the step, we could, potentially, maintain it without returning to the old patterns of eating that brought us to need to lose weight in the first place.

I’d like to emphasize here that some people can handle extreme diets. This is a given. But, on average, for people who have difficulty with weight loss plans, the “slow and steady wins the race” diet usually prevails because the preparation for maintenance in speed diets is usually missing.

So what’s a good New Year’s Resolution for weight loss, and how do I know how far to go?

We all have to look at our own situations. What are our own personal controls? Do we have any medical issues that we need to factor in? What are our motivation and our final desire? Once we answer these questions, we can choose what we want to do. Since the choice, ultimately, is ours alone.

Some interesting ideas might be:

1)    To reduce the sugar in my coffee by half.
2)    To drink water before every meal.
3)    To eat a large green salad with one meal a day.
4)    To add one serving of vegetable juice to one meal a day. (Remember that tomatoes are fruits.)
5)    To drink one ounce of wheatgrass juice once a week.
6)    To use chopsticks, at least, once a day, to see whether they slow down the speed at which we eat.
7)    To do one exercise before each meal (personal choice on how long the exercise will be).
8)    To reduce our intake of whatever we believe helps us gain weight by one serving per week.
9)    To chew our food 20X per mouthful, at least, one meal per week.
10)  To eat our last daily food of any kind (meal, snack or dessert) one hour earlier, at least, one day per week.

These kinds of resolutions start to shape a different way to eating. Each one of them, alone, does not traumatize the way someone eats. The slight adjustment that each causes is hardly noticeable. Yet, each starts to become a new habit, if continued, each of them a good habit. And, even, if we decided to do all of them, at once, they would not disrupt the way we are.

CONCLUSION

The most successful New Year’s Resolutions are those that can be executed in small steps. Their commencement can result in big changes, but they don’t rattle an entire lifestyle. The way used to form who we are is the same method used to form who we become. Each time we learn something new, we incorporate it into our lives. When we learn about adding layers to our lives, we know about maintaining what we have achieved.

We have a better chance of growing with a solid foundation than we do by building on a roadway of sand.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below or through our Contact Us form.

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She believes that we can will ourselves to accomplish tremendous things. She says, “We each deserve our own priority. When we know what it is, we can walk toward it.”

LET’S MOVE: EVEN WHEN IT’S REALLY HARD (Issue 8)

by Diane Gold

When it’s hard to move because you weigh too much, so many enjoyable activities become dark, cumbersome burdens that have bad feelings attached to them. And we usually carry these feelings alone because other people might not feel the same way.

I remember when I was at NYU. There was a time that I was 30 pounds heavier than I am now. It was probably the ricotta cheese in my lacto-vegetarian diet or the melted cheese on the pasta and sitting and practicing piano and then eating, definitely.

I know that’s not a serious amount of weight compared to other people, but that was my burden and a lot of trouble for me. Every morning, I would sit up on my piece of foam (no bed in those days) and hold my gut to see how my weight was doing. Since that was the first place weight settled on me, I wanted to know how much excess I had immediately upon awakening. I would be able to calculate right away where I was, and, maybe, tiptoe over to the scale in my studio apartment and weigh in. I always knew that the day had a gray cloud over it when I woke up and had that gut, but I went about my day of getting my music therapy training, just the same.

It’s important to remember, as moms of overweight girls or as anyone who knows anyone in this situation, regular activities are not so regular to everyone. The simplest thing in our lives might be a monumental chore in another’s.

Picture our height as five foot six inches, we weight 120 pounds and are in decent overall health. We go to run across the street because we see a friend, we get into a car, jump rope, go dancing. None of these activities trouble us; each is part of a very average day.

Now, let’s picture we are that same five foot six inches, but our 230 pounds changes the way we move, the way we think, the way we feel physically and the way we look at our day. We aren’t going to be as happy to move around because there’s more of us to move, because people may look at us in judgment, because our balance is off. So, not only do we favor activities that don’t require moving, but we don’t have the same energetic will to be out and about and we don’t expend enough energy to balance what we eat. And we’d rather have a companion snack while we are sitting at the computer than go running.

Some of us really don’t like exercise. We’d rather read or write a book, play a game online or watch entertainment. Fond memories of Ma, who would rather have gone to a Broadway play or a ballet than go dancing, come to mind. She would always take a book over a sport, and she did. She did go for walks when she married my stepfather because walks were romantic.

She did one thing every morning that added value to her life. She always did her bed exercises: situps and a few stretches, every morning, from I’m not sure when to her last year of 83. This movement, though done in bed, made a huge difference in her quality of life and her health. She was never sick one day in her life until her last year, which was a mostly peaceful passing. (Shout out to Gertrude!)

Let’s get back to how easy it is to sit in one place and “go to school.” During high school, we may be (or will soon be) in “blended education,” where part of our public schooling is done in a face-to-face classroom, another part online, another part done through mobile events.

In all three settings, some students are very much connected with fellow students through electronic messaging, electronic tracking of friends’ physical whereabouts through standard phone apps that identify of their friends; others of us try to be invisible in school, hibernate in our homes, only showing our head when we have study groups or meetings by webcam, even while getting college degrees or running full time careers.

The blessing to the new learning is we don’t have to bother getting dressed to learn or to talk to people. We don’t have to travel, and we save time, money and energy by staying home. The down side, obviously, is two-fold. Our social skills do not have to develop. More than this and the all-time favorite for people who are uncomfortable in their own skin is they don’t have to MOVE.

The same is true with running a career from the home. Our interactions are very different from the face-to-face method, and we could lead our lives from home, never learning the nuances of actual social interaction.

When we are home, whether we are studying, working, creating, hiding or vegging out; we don’t get the natural exercise we get if we go out to school or work. We don’t pass the mailbox; we probably don’t pull our own weeds. We don’t hunt for our food – well, most of us don’t, in modern society. We don’t have to run for a bus or even get in our car. Our bodies literally stagnate.

We don’t have to move to shop. We push a button, for the most part, and go shopping from our chair or bed. We click a remote and get a video streamed to us. We can opt for a job where we do the work online, never see our co-workers or are a solopreneur, stay invisible and cut the need to move. Except that, to be in good health, we have to move.

So whether we don’t like exercise or it doesn’t like us, there are tons of ways we can slowly but surely, almost secretly from ourselves, without our knowing it, start to move when we do our daily life, even if we go from bed to shower to chair to video screening couch to chair and back to bed.

Even if we go from bed to the bathroom to the couch, if we add one little itsy, bitsy thing; we will happier, we will feel endorphins filling our body with life, we will be more vigorous, we will be more vital, our muscles will get toned, our blood will circulate more, our bones and tendons will become more pliable, our brain function will increase and we will move toward balancing our weight.

Here’s what to do:

1) Before you sit up in bed for the first time of the day, wiggle your toes 9X. If you like, do one foot at a time so that you can concentrate on the action. This will stimulate the brain and tell it to wake up and have a good day.

2) As you sit up in bed to get up, we sometimes stretch. So, lift the arms high over your head. Keep them up. Tip over to the L like a teapot. Then tip over to the R like a teapot, a few seconds on each side. This will wake up your digestive tract so you can eat.

3) When you are in the bathroom sitting on the throne (toilet seat), put your feet flat on the floor. Put your palms on your lower stomach and rock forward with the feet on the floor 9 X, without moving from the hips down. This will relax your lower intestine, good for the throne. It will also tighten your abs a teensy bit. Be careful not to break your toilet seat. If it is too fragile, you can do this one in the chair.

4) Every time you walk from the bathroom to the kitchen (or from the bathroom or kitchen to anywhere, if you like it), put your hands on your hips as if you are a model walking down a fashion runway. Straight back, regal walk, relaxed chin. This will make you feel good, will strengthen your back and solidify good posture.

5) When  you get to the kitchen; bend, cut, stir, mix, serve and eat with the same “runway” posture. This will remind you that you are regal. It also helps with digestion.

6) Sitting in your chair, with hands on your desk, computer keys or (if you are typing on your phone or not at all) hands on upper thighs, elbows against body, without moving hips or below; rotate L shoulder to the rear, then R shoulder to the rear, 9X, alternating (that’s L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R, L, R).  Good for moving your organs around and your sides.

That’s it.

Should you do these movements when you go out? Whichever of these help you and feel good to you are what you should do wherever you are. If you like the chair exercise and you’re at the mall, take a seat and do the exercise. It will take about 6 seconds. No one is watching you.

Or, if someone is looking, waving is always good. Then, get up and continue along your way. As a reminder, put a tiny sign on the wall near your feet in the bedroom, across from wherever you look in the bathroom, by the bathroom exit, in the kitchen, at your chair and, definitely, on your phone.

“TOE WIGGLES 10X”
“TEAPOT STRETCHES”
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“ROCK THE BACK 9X”
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“WALK THE RUNWAY”
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“PREPARE & EAT WITH STRAIGHT BACK”
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“SHOULDER TWISTS 9X”

CONCLUSION

There is so much media about the benefit of cumulative work, the story of how Aesop’s tortoise beat the hare through persistent work, how Aesop’s lion was saved by a wee mouse. In the same way, when we move a little on a consistent basis; we do so much to save our heart, our mind, our body and our social life. Do not worry, if you are not interested in trying one or all of these moves. Keep them in the back of your mind for a rainy day. The time will come.

Let me know if these exercises are enlivening should you try them. They may seem too small to bother with. However, after over thirty years of working in recreation, education and martial arts; I have seen how just taking one step gets you ready for the next.

FEEDBACK

Please leave your comments below. Email us at 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She has dedicated her life to helping people reach out for their goals and realize their own vision. She says, “It takes only one step to change your entire life.”
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HOW TO BREAK A FOOD TRANCE (Issue 7)

by Sharon Livingston and Glenn Livingston

G: Hey, Sharico.

S: Hi, Sweetheart.

G: How are you, today?

S: I’m good. I was looking at the letters that we get. And we get like tons of letters every day. And I try to peruse them quickly to see what the themes are where people are just commenting. They’re not asking for response. They’re just talking about what’s going on with them. And a very typical theme is I’M OUT OF CONTROL. I can’t stop myself. I don’t know why I do it. I just put the stuff in my mouth.

Sometimes, they’re very cruel to themselves the way they describe it. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and trying to think about how to help people with it. And what I’ve come to recognize is that that kind of eating is like being in a bad trance.

G: In a negative trance.

S: It’s a negative trance. Do you know what I mean by that?

G: I do.

S: So, talk about it from the way you experience it.

G: I have bought myself a pizza. And thought that I’m gonna have four slices. And I taste the first couple of bites. And then I go into a kind of an automaton routine. And then I look down, and almost all four of them are gone. And I don’t remember having slice number two, slice number three, or even the bites in between there. I don’t remember the experience. I’m very angry at myself for doing that. And because I wasn’t really there, I’m still hungry. And, so it keeps going.

S: You’re still wanting.

G: Right, not physically hungry, but still…

S: Feeling like you missed something.

G: Exactly. Like the aliens came and took Glenn away and just put on this food machine.

S: Yeah, we were talking about it as though it only happens with food that’s not so great for you. But, it could happen with a salad, too. Right?

G: Ya.

S: Like, I put the salad down, and I got involved in doing something like working on the computer or watching something on TV or getting in a conversation with someone. I felt like I needed another bite, and I looked down at my plate. It’s all gone. Like, where did it go?

And that’s one of the elements of trance. From the way were taught about hypnosis in school. There’s a sense of timelessness. Like time had stopped, and we don’t know how much time went by. Did you eat it in 5 minutes, did you eat it in 10 minutes. Did you eat it in 1 minute? I bet you couldn’t tell. And that’s one of the signs of being in a trance. There’s no sense of time.

G: Absolutely, true.

S: And also, because you were in this trance, instead of being there, you didn’t taste it. You didn’t feel the texture; you didn’t smell it; you didn’t experience yourself swallowing it. All of that has disappeared. It was as if you hadn’t eaten it. And you still are wanting.

G: It’s a horrendous thing because I’m still wanting, but I know that I shouldn’t have, and I’m feeling somewhat bloated. And feeling like I shouldn’t be wanting. And you just don’t know what to do. And, because that’s a painful realization, the easiest thing is to go right back into the trance.

S: Exactly. And, so then, more ends up on your plate, and it all disappears, and you repeat the process, trying to get the experience and never really having it.

G: So, what’s the solution?

S: Well, it’s a very simple one, actually. It’s to, at least, for when you are starting that particular food experience, is to be totally present.

I see you do it a lot, actually, where you’ll say,

“Honey, do you want to come and sit at the table while we have this food?”

Because  I’m very often quite willing to go and eat at the computer or eat in front of the TV. I know we both do that, but if I really want to savor my food and experience it, I’ll have a much better experience of satisfaction of having eaten it if I sit at the table, and I take a bite, I smell it, I kind of roll it around in my mouth a little bit, so I can savor the flavor.  I can get the texture, and maybe even just pause for a second with it in my mouth before I start to chew it so I can get the full experience of the food.

G: What do you think this has to do with our early table experiences? Eating at the table in my house was not very comfortable. It’s something that I learned that it’s really helpful to do as an adult and, actually, not all that long ago.

As a kid, there was a lot of competition at the table.  I didn’t always get along so well with my dad and my mom and my sister. The food wasn’t always so good. So I tended to have more peace all by myself. Yet, even if I am all by myself, my eating is much healthier when I take the time and sit at the table.

S: What happens is people aren’t paying attention to the food. They’re paying attention to everything else but the food.

I want to go over the anti-trance, mindful kind of eating experience…

G: Uh-huh.

S: Where you’re really paying attention to it. Recently, we hear a lot about mindful eating, and you’ll hear people talking about that. It’s something that’s been around for a very, very long time. And I remember going to a workshop when I was an older teenager where we were taught how to eat an orange. And really savor it. And it was the best orange I ever ate in my whole life. And so I’m gonna talk about that more in a moment. I’m also wanting to come back to what you’re saying ‘cause it’s a different thing about early eating experiences, and, you know, I’m one of five kids, and my grandmother lived with us, and we had a lot of people around me at the dinner table.

G:  So, you took the time to pay attention to your food, it would have been gone from your plate ‘cause someone else would have taken it, in my house.

S: Right. Your dad would have eaten it. I had to compete with my brothers. To this day, I’m a fast eater. Right?

G: Very fast. Ya.

S: It’s easier to have digestive problems if you’re gulping down your food.

G: Right.

S: If you take your time, which I rarely do, I have to really, really, really talk myself into doing that,  if I take my time, I’m more likely to digest it properly and have less of a chance of putting bubbles in my tummy or making myself uncomfortable.

G: How do you do that? Do you have a specific set of instructions to help us to do that?

S: Yeah. Going back to that orange exercise, I think everybody should do this. Do it with an orange. Do it with an apple.

G: Something that you have no ambivalence whatsoever about eating. You know it’s healthy for you and it’s totally on your plan.

S: An orange is a particularly wonderful thing to do or like a tangerine. Something that’s easy to peel. The first thing to do is to take a look at it. You want to experience this food with all your five senses. You’re going to take some time, maybe 20 minutes, to fully experience this orange, or an apple, whatever it is.

What you’re doing here is tuning your brain to pay attention to what you’re doing. So, when you have that orange and the first thing you do is you start to peel it. Isn’t this the most incredible thing anyway?  Like, whenever I’m in the kitchen and you decide you’re gonna to have an orange, and you start to peel the orange. Like, I want some. It just smells so good. So the very first thing is when you start to peel it. You know, you feel the little bit of spray that pops out from the peel. You feel it on your fingers. You bring it to your face. You’ll smell it very intensely, and that starts you appreciating the orange or the tangerine or whatever.

And then taking your time to peel it and take a wedge of it, and smell it, take a little bite, and just experience it in your mouth, fully, what’s the temperature of it, what’s the texture of it, what’s the taste of it, even before you start to bite and chew and then take your time chewing a section before you swallow it to make sure that you’ve gotten it to the right texture – what that feels like, and then fully feel the swallowing before you start with the next bite.

So take your time to go through as much of this orange or tangerine as you want to eat. Smell it, feel the texture, experience the sensation of it, how it is to chew it, how it is to swallow it, with every bite, the sweetness, the tartness. It’s gonna be a totally different orange than you’re used to eating because most of us take a couple of bites and just kind of swallow it without having chewed it very much. And then, you’ve inhaled this orange only having experienced a tiny bit of it.

G: That’s why I would imagine that if you do this a few times, that that experience starts to translate to what you are eating throughout the day without consciously doing that exercise.

S: But you can consciously do that exercise with every single thing you’re eating. And I don’t mean that you’re gonna spend 20 minutes with every thing. But, if you could slow yourself down enough to truly experience and taste the first bite, that kind of sets the tone for being mindful about eating it. I mean, you’re not gonna take the full 20 minutes for every food on your plate, but, you will be slowing yourself down, and you will be appreciating or not appreciating – you might find there are certain things you like more than others, and why am I even bothering eating this. Unless there is some real major reason why you have to, you really don’t have to.

The other thing is to pay attention to where you are when you are eating it.

And, if you’re forced into a situation where you have to be at your desk and eat, to take 10 minutes, that’s just 10 minutes, for whatever food you have in front of you. That’s the hardest thing to do is to slow ourselves down enough to pay attention to what we’re doing.

I know that even though most weight loss, and dietitian and nutritionist experts, would say the best thing is to eat at a table, totally dedicated. For you, that was a painful experience. Having dinner in front of the TV is very soothing sometimes because the TV is keeping you company.

Important is, still, to taste your food. It’s important to take one bite at a time. There are times when I’ve stuck things into my mouth because I want to get it down ‘cause I think I have to do something. That’s one of those times when the food really has disappeared. Like I’m trying to get it out of my hand so I can do something with that hand. And then I go to have another bite of it, and it’s gone.

I hate that. There are some other things you can do to slow yourself down. You always ask me, “Why do you get the chopsticks,” in the Chinese restaurant? ‘Cause it slows me down. That’s why I do that.

G: Interesting.

S: Another thing some people do is they eat with your non-dominant hand. So, if you’re right-handed, eat with your left hand. That will naturally slow you down.

G: That’s interesting.

S: If possible, try to avoid doing other things. Or, even if you’re in a conversation with other people, make sure that, in between talking with them, you’re actually looking at your food and bringing it to your mouth in a mindful kind of way like knowing that you’re doing it. I know that when I eat standing up, I’ve inhaled it. I have a better chance of slowing myself down if I’m sitting down.

So those are a few things. The other thing about that, and we all know this, if you eat something in under 20 minutes, your body doesn’t know that you ate it. It takes 20 minutes for you to register that you actually had the food. So, if you can take your time, and slow yourself down, put your fork down in between bites. Now if you’re eating an ice cream cone or handfuls of food, like snacks, you don’t have a fork to put down. But to make some space and pause between bites.

Anything that can serve as a pause breaks the trance.

G: Gotcha. Did you want to say anything else about the early table memories and how that influences people’s ability to eat mindfully and avoid going into the food trance?

S: I wasn’t thinking about it so much as a trance. It was an important consideration about what we learn when we are kids.

G: As you do this, you’ll probably have memories about what your table experience was.

S: Like we just did now.

G: Which is very interesting for you to look into.

S: Yeah. I hadn’t thought about it, that, wow, I better get that food down quickly or there won’t be any to have. To have three big brothers who were much bigger and, you know, much hungrier and all that testosterone and they were like a pack of moose who constantly had to eat, feed themselves. And there wasn’t much room for a little girl.  And then, of course, there was my grandmother who was just like this human eating machine. If it was on your plate and she thought you weren’t gonna eat it, it disappeared. So you had to eat it quickly; otherwise, it was gonna disappear.

G: Well, OK, sweetheart. The summary here is what?

S: Break the trance.
The other thing is that when you come out of that trance and you realize all that stuff is gone, like maybe the whole bag of potato chips is gone, or the whole bowl of popcorn is gone, or the whole bowl of cookies is gone. People coming out of a negative trance feel horrible. You know, when you’ve had a good hypnosis experience, you come out of it feeling refreshed and vibrant and awake.

G: But if you wake up from a one-night-stand, you feel like you don’t really respect yourself for what you did.

S: Exactly. And that’s how it feels when you’ve had a bad eating experience that you …

G: That you’ve compromised your value. When that happens, what you should do is …

S: Dedicate yourself to paying attention. All it is is a matter of paying attention. It doesn’t matter what you’re eating. Pay attention to it, and slow yourself down.

G: So you can always use the present moment to be healthy, and the way to do that is just pay attention. No matter what you had before. No matter how full you feel. No matter how long the trance was.

Thank you, Sweetheart.

S: That was great.

G: Yeah.

S: Thanks for listening. Now, to gain more confidence in your ability to enjoy guilt-free, stress-free eating with delicious food, please visit http://emotionaleatingrelief.com. Got it? That’s http://emotionaleatingrelief.com. Thanks.

AUDIO VERSION

How-To-Break-A-Food-Trance.mp3

SHARON LIVINGSTON, PHD

Sharon (S, in the transcript, above) holds a PhD in humanistic psychology from Kennedy Western University. She has interviewed over 5,000 people about emotional eating. In addition to her private coaching, she has done psychological research for companies like Weight Watchers, Atkins, Kraft and more and has published articles in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The American Bar Association Journal and many others. She is available, as above, at http://emotionaleatingrelief.com.

GLENN LIVINGSTON, PHD

Glenn (G, in the transcript, above) holds his PhD in clinical psychology from Yeshiva University. He has previously practiced as a marital and family counselor, seeing approximately 1,000 patients in nine years. He also consulted for many major corporations in emotional eating pertaining to advertising. You can reach Glenn through the same link as above.

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FEEDBACK

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MEDITATION FOR WEIGHT LOSS (Issue 6)

by Diane Gold

Meditation for weight loss is a huge topic. You might be saying,

“It seems impossible that if I meditate, I will lose weight.”

“How can meditation help weight loss?”

“After all this time, all I have to do is meditate, and I will lose weight?”

The statement is quite powerful, as it is sincerely meaningful. Meditation is the act of focusing on “no thing” through a study of focusing attention on one thing. This article will look at meditation as a solution for many where “other” systems have had minimal success.

The obvious secret weapon that meditation offers is that it doesn’t require working out or body motion, often dreaded when we want or need to lose weight because we feel too uncomfortable to move or we’re dismal.  There’s no big effort to get it started. The only thing moving is internal, it only takes a minute and it makes you feel good.

So what is this meditation for weight loss? We have to recognize that, for every system of our body, there is some type of release valve, like on a pressure-cooker, radiator or properly operating oil rig. We, humans, have our own pressurized systems resulting in nerve pressure, blood pressure, intestinal pressure, bladder pressure, eye pressure, brain pressure and so on. The body has a specific way of relieving excess pressure, or we start to break.

The mind is a human system of conscious experience and intelligent thought. It, too, feels pressure and needs a relief valve or else. It is very hard work to spend a full 24-hour period without giving the mind a break, especially if the day includes worry, anxiety, poor self-esteem, frustration, stress. We all experience all of these emotions from time to time. However, weight losers who are having trouble doing it have these emotions while they also have the pressures of a day-job (corporate or independent), going to school or mothering. The exhaustion and stress caused by the weight issues is enough to make you want to do what?

Specific to our topic, I will say the word: “eat.” There, I said it. To let off steam as our release valve, we eat. For people with weight gain issues, the opposite is true, too. The strongest minds with “bad feeling overload” may end up with no appetite and become unhealthy because of it.

Here’s what we know about the mind, that fragile piece of real estate that we know so little about:

1)    we function more successfully without pressure
2)    we can train ourselves to focus to remove pressure
3)    we can choose to live in ways that can minimize pressure
4)    we can train ourselves to recognize the signs of pressure before it is there
5)    we can awaken deeper levels in ourselves

With that in mind, is it clear how meditation is connected to weight loss? When we meditate,

1)    we give ourselves a personal place of stillness
2)    we learn to stand still
3)    we learn to have a focus
4)    we allot time out
5)    we evolve

Imagine if every time we felt stress of some sort, we could do half a minute of meditation, and the stress would go away. Our emotional eating would reduce once we learned that a tiny taste of the meditative mind could give us a different perspective which could help reduce food cravings.

As we said before, meditation is focus. The more we practice, the more adept we become at having our mind follow the path we design for it, rather than having our mind follow its own, undirected whims. It is not simple to rein in the mind, but some ways are simpler than others.

When I was 21 years old, living in Washington Square Village, I followed a philosophy that included two-and-a-half hours of meditation a day. For 5 years, I sat in two prescribed positions on a daily basis. Did I meditate? The answer to this question requires understanding that meditation is not a physical action. The mind has to cooperate through being trained to do it.

My answer is that I almost never “meditated,” even though I spent 2.5 hours in meditation position. The method prescribed concentrated on more than one thing at a time, and my mind was easily distracted. To this day, as a positive result of that training, I teach a simple method where focusing on one thing is not impossible. No mantras, no looking at clouds, no techniques that can split the mind. We are scattered enough.

The trick to weight loss meditation is to change your reaction to the urge to eat or the urge to eat what you have decided you would prefer not to eat at the time. Where your reaction used to be to get instant gratification, be sad, be mad, be hasty; you can change your behavior by standing in meditation position for 30 seconds. This act may give you an opportunity to grab your mind away from that urge when you want to eat and it is not time to eat, or when you want your mind to lead you well, rather than comply without choice.

Here are steps to follow once a day for a month at the time of hunger, when you would like to postpone your eating, eat less, lower your urge level or simply change your perspective. This certainly will slow you down and give you a moment to be your own boss.

By the way, if this is not an impactful experience the first time, do it again. At least for two weeks. It might grow on you. You might start to be able to see another aspect of yourself. How much fun would that be!

1)    Stand with feet shoulder width apart.
2)    Bend the knees.
3)    Tuck the butt.
4)    Straighten the back.
5)    Lean forward 2 inches from the waist.
6)    Make sure arms are relaxed with palms at side of thigh, hanging.
7)    Take the left hand and semi-point the index finger from the relaxed position.
8)    Slowly, meditatively, draw a counterclockwise circle from the right side of the body to the left, 3X, 3/4 of an arms-length in front of you.
9)    Place arm back at the side, dropped arm position, no tension.
10)  Relax a second or two.
11)  Take the left hand and semi-pointing the index finger from the relaxed position
12)    Slowly, meditatively, draw a clockwise circle from the left side of the body to the right, 3X, 3/4 of an arms-length in front of you.
13)    Place arm back at the side, dropped arm position, no tension.
14)    Relax.

This meditation affects weight loss through the body’s working to pump the blood through the legs in the standing position. Most of the result comes from taking your focus away from other distractions, including food. You are undoing stress in yourself, so you will be better equipped to proceed and succeed at weight loss.

CONCLUSION

There are many ways to meditate, and there are a myriad of programs on weight loss. This particular combination of meditation for weight loss uses 30 plus years’ experience at stripping down to basics the act of meditation and the act of changing an urge. As with any meditation, it is very personal. There is no wrong. There is also no comparison chart for you to use. This is for you.

Your questions and comments are always welcome. Particularly for this article, if you would like to ask a personal question about your experience, please do.

YOUR FEEDBACK

Always feel free to share your stories by commenting below and by email at: 1 [at] warriorsofweight [dot] com.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert and a dedicated mom. She says, “Any action changes our perspective. The simpler we make things in preparation, the easier they will be. The more we repeat the same action, the more we will understand it.”

A WINNING COMBINATION: GRADES IN SCHOOL AND SELF-ESTEEM (Issue 5)

by Florence Bernard

It’s the fact that the better the grades are at school, the higher the self-esteem is in the student. This goes for good students, failing students, big-sized, medium and small students.

So there is really one

COACHING FOR EXPERTS: A RESOURCE FOR MOMS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS (Issue 4)

by Diane Gold

I wanted to talk about how prudent it is to consider a coach, no matter how much education we have. Often, experience, rather than formal education, can make a great coach.

It is brave for us moms to consider being coached. Why? Because we are supposed to be experts, know how to do it, and getting a coach could negate our perfection. Or would it show our willingness to grow and evolve? Of course, I think the second.

It is fairly common for athletes and musicians to work with a coach for the length of their careers. As Atul Gawande mentions in his article, Personal Best, in the New Yorker, coaches can be our extra set of eyes (in the case of Gawande, himself, who did cardiac surgery) or ears (as Itzhak Perlman says his wife is for his music performance). What stops some of us deemed “experts” from obtaining a coach in our field are (1) ego, believing we are the queen of wisdom and highest authority on a subject (like motherhood) and (2) exposure, not willing for another to watch over our shoulders and see our mistakes.

MOMS = EXPERTS

Moms fall into the category of experts. They have experienced growing a child inside the body and giving birth. They have made decisions about the environment of their child which require lots of rapid judgment calls. Since the road to mastery is through repetition, moms get their expert label. When they bond with other moms in social conversations or mastermind groups, the benefit each gets from the other’s stories is informative and helpful. Although it is not coaching, many techniques are passed on through word of mouth (or electronically through webinars and group video calls).

Almost as infrequently as you hear about doctors getting coaches, how often do you hear that a mom is going to get coached on parenting? What is fairly common is psychological counseling or psychiatric services. Neither of these is the same as coaching. The therapist or counselor may advise. The coach, on the other hand, comes up with action steps and motivates the client for immediate action and future use.

More often, families wait until their behaviors get so stretched out of their comfort zone that dysfunction sets in, before doing something about it. In more traditional cultures, getting a coach is deemed inappropriate because like Vegas, what goes on in the home stays in the home and tradition teaches that it is wrong to discuss home matters outside the home. More modern cultures accept coaching and counseling in more areas than sports, music or severe mental issues and recognize its merit.

COACHES AS PROFESSORS

In my mother’s day, it was unheard of to need a coach whether for a mom or a daughter (and Mom had a degree in psychology and I frequented a therapist, which was uncommon and thought of as drastic). In modern days, we still have a stigma around the proactive decision to go for help and still think of the need as admission of failure to perform well or lack of prowess. If we thought of coaches or counselors as mentors or professors, the stigma would disappear.

Most moms would never consider finding a coach for themselves, especially for parenting or communicating. They, along with everyone in the United States for the past 50 years, know about the therapist, the psychologist, the psychiatrist. But, the coach? That’s only for sports and music, right? But let’s get back to experts.

It is common to have a scholastic team to support us during our PhD work. We have our own personal advisors who walk with us as we analyze our subject and write our thesis. In order to differentiate between an expert and an amateur, we get an advanced rating and are proud to place a PhD or a DVM on our wall. We may choose more study, emphasis on another subject or an intricate part of the same subject.

What we don’t do, yet, is keep a coach once we graduate with our special diploma:
a.    because we have just finished 15 to 20 years of training, and we are tired of being evaluated.
b.    because we are under the illusion that reaching black belt status means we have reached the top. In fact, such a designation signifies the beginning of a long-term study, the achievement of basic understanding and having absorbed 10% of a subject rather than its mastery.
c.    because our egos, in a similar manner, want us to be the authority now that we have worked so hard and are no longer the scrutinized one, but the scrutineer.

How many times have we, as moms, resented our own moms’ putting their two cents in? Maybe when we were setting parameters for our daughters or teaching them values, having our moms step in was not to our liking.

Having our moms invade our territory is akin to how our daughters feel about us, at times or all the time. I remember the territoriality reversed, one day, when I tried to give my mom driving directions from her suburban home to a New York City location near my New York City apartment. (Of course, she had been nearby hundreds of times, but I knew exactly where she was going and knew current construction and thought I would offer help.) The instructions were refused, politely, because my mom was protecting the domain of expertise her husband had. She felt challenged on his behalf such that her acceptance of my help might minimize his expertise and, in turning down the directions, said something that paraphrased like, “Oh, let’s leave it to your stepfather; he’s an expert at that.” I understand completely because he was one of her heroes and they held each other on mutual pedestals.
How many times have we, as moms, resented our own moms’ putting their two cents in? Maybe when we were setting parameters for our daughters or teaching them values, having our moms step in was not to our liking.

Having our moms invade our territory is akin to how our daughters feel about us, at times or all the time. I remember the territoriality reversed, one day, when I tried to give my mom driving directions from her suburban home to a New York City location near my New York City apartment. (Of course, she had been nearby hundreds of times, but I knew exactly where she was going and knew current construction and thought I would offer help.) The instructions were refused, politely, because my mom was protecting the domain of expertise her husband had. She felt challenged on his behalf such that her acceptance of my help might minimize his expertise and, in turning down the directions, said something that paraphrased like, “Oh, let’s leave it to your stepfather; he’s an expert at that.” I understand completely because he was one of her heroes and they held each other on mutual pedestals.

I can also recall a similar attitude on my part when my mom was giving me advice. I felt challenged because I wanted to do”it” my way.

THE SOLUTION

So what’s the solution to closing the gap between being an expert and being an expert who can use a coach? Like anything else, behavior and social attitude change take time. The more commonplace it becomes for doctors, lawyers, teachers, and, yes, moms, to get coached and share their stories in hopes of getting constructive criticism to make them better, the more we are acclimated to the idea that we are only as expert as our current training, and coaching is a good and fruitful idea.

Having a coach for moms could be the next fiery niche. What if we could discuss how to approach our daughters when they consistently said they didn’t want to talk about their recurring problems with a professional? Or if we knew how to show our daughters our concern over their weight habits without their seeing us as judgmental, how great would that be? Fleshing out these types of situations can help us personally and for our daughters.

It is important to realize that getting coached can make you better. Finding a coach doesn’t mean you have failed. It shows you are open enough to look for continued excellence in yourself and are not afraid to take steps to achieve it. At all costs, if you resist the urge to defend yourself, you might excel exponentially.

FIVE ITEMS THAT MAY COME UP IN YOUR COACHING SESSION

Here are five ways a coach might help a mom.

1.    A coach could point out ways the mom forces her will on her daughter. Sometimes, it is hard to see what we do because we are involved in it.

2.    A coach could point out easily how the mom is using language that antagonizes, humiliates or defeats her daughter and causes her to close up, give up or become distant.

Well, you might say, can’t we look in a mirror and do these things? Yes, but when a professional coach observes and speaks, we are more heavily impacted. It would be hard to justify how this objective observer could be calling shots that don’t exist.

3.    A coach could point out how the mom asks the daughter to behave in a certain way, but acts the opposite way herself. Sending double messages, “ Do as I say, not as I do,” is a no, no. Most of us, as adults, find it hard to remember how we felt as kids.

4.    A coach could point out sensitivities in our daughters that we might not even be aware of: how nicknames hurt, how low self-esteem prevails when mom compliments daughter, how low grades sting. The coach is objective, an extra set of eyes and trained to bring out your best.

5.    A coach could facilitate realization, creativity, personal development, family development. These are why you thought about a coach in the first place.

CONCLUSION

Whenever we jump into a situation and truly immerse ourselves in new training, we come to new understandings. Whether we need a new stereo and have to research what we can buy or we take a course in human communication; whether we join a local forum to discuss mom and daughter issues or we start a physical fitness regime as a catalyst for our daughters; we grow and learn. We always learn. So, it should make perfect sense that moms need coaches, even though moms, by experience, are supposed to be experts.

What makes us experts is not so much that we have begun a journey of knowledge. It is that we are willing to become coachable because we have discovered that we can always learn more. That wisdom shows true expertise.

________

Does any of this strike you as familiar? The fact that experts don’t get coached for ego’s sake? It is time to put the pride where it belongs and better ourselves for our daughters. If this involves coaching, good. If not, also OK.

YOUR FEEDBACK

If any of you have come across any of the five points above in your conquest to be the best mom for your daughter, please share your stories  by commenting below.

NICKNAMES, ROLE MODELING AND PARENTING, OH, MY! (Issue 3)

by Allison Agliata

“Oh, my gosh, aren’t they so cute? Just look at the adorable, chunky thighs on that baby!”

We say it with such affection and genuine adoration. At 6 months old, these conversations may be perfectly acceptable and end without emotional trauma, but as our children quickly grow we need to be mindful of the message we send. The way children feel about their own bodies is easily influenced by how we address them  and how we feel about our own physique.

I may not be sharing any earth shattering information when I tell you that parents are the most influential adults in a child’s life, but I am going to hone in on some specific information. Did you know that fathers are ranked as the number one teaser in girls’ lives, followed closely by brothers? Now, I am not out to crucify the male species, but let’s think about the obvious difference between the male and female species. We clearly relate differently. Men often having a less direct way of communicating their affection to others. Often fatherly and brotherly love comes in the form of adorable little nicknames that begin when our children are small and then something happens; the nickname sticks!

Other family members join in and your children are torn between the affection that is associated with their nickname and the negative connotation it carries. It may not even occur to us when they are little that the nickname is, at the very least, unflattering; but as they get older and are more self-conscious about their bodies, some names can be downright demeaning! Girls’ self-esteem can be fragile during adolescence and is often significantly impacted by these seemingly innocent jests, so please be careful about what names you pick and how they affect your children.

Now, let’s talk about Moms. It has been written that same-sex parents are the most influential, so let’s see what some real power can do. Unfortunately, we feed the same problem by placing so much emphasis on appearance for our children. Our language surrounds what we see,

“Aren’t you cute?”

“Don’t you look beautiful!”

“I love that new outfit.”

“You look so slim in that.”

Really? Are those the important qualities we want our children to be concentrating on? Particularly, our daughters, suffer from this emphasis on external beauty, and they internalize a long standing need to feel accepted and approved.

Women are stereotypically described as perpetually dissatisfied with their bodies, and we role model this discontent. We read fashion magazines filled with people who look nothing like us, follow diets that rarely work, constantly talk about what we should or should not eat, and express general disgust with our physique. This, my female friends, is the social norm for us. How very sad that we must walk around spewing unsatisfactory comments about ourselves to be accepted. In fact, do you know anyone who talks about how happy she is with her body or who does not negate an appearance-related compliment?

“What, this old dress?”

“You really think I look slimmer? Just 10 more pounds to go!”

Even if we do feel good, we feel the need to dismiss it or reach for more. What happened to just being satisfied with what we have currently?

With such role modeling, how do we expect our children to feel any different about their bodies than we do about our own? It starts with our changing our tune, appreciating our bodies for what they allow us to do: exercise to feel strong physically and mentally, bear and play with our children, and participate in enjoyable life activities. If our focus changed from our exterior appearance to what our bodies provided for us, think of the impact.

Here are a few suggestions on how to put our parental influence to work:

1)  Watch Our Language: Yes, this one is painfully obvious, but not always as easy as we think. Be careful about the nicknames. It may seem silly, but I can tell you it is brought up over and over again in therapy sessions. Save yourself the money and choose a name that is healthy and appropriate!Try to curb your appearance-related comments. I know this is not going to eliminate every comment regarding appearance and there may even be times when a, “Wow!  You look amazing!” is totally appropriate (shall we say prom night?), but on the whole, ensure that your focus is on your child’s character and accomplishments. Try this on for size, “You must feel great about [accomplishment, ex.: getting that award]. That shows real [character trait, ex.: courage].”  After all, isn’t that what we really care about?

2) Be Active: First and foremost, role model appropriate levels of activity. Having your children watch you incorporate any kind of physical activity into your daily routine will help them realize it is a priority to you and will help them internalize this message for their future health.  The goal, however, is to be consistent! If you are constantly battling between forcing yourself to do 2 hours of cardio a day versus doing nothing, the message becomes that exercise is a chore. Being an extremist makes things complicated and rarely sends the intended message or helps you physically. If you could find a happy medium of an activity you enjoy and can stick to, the more positive your message will be that this is your chosen healthy lifestyle.

Try choosing an activity that is more in line with something you enjoy, for example a sport you love or walking with a friend so you can socialize. You are far more likely to keep up a consistent model if you are genuinely benefiting from the activity. Additionally, this might create some interest from your child, whom you could try to include and create quality time with…bonus!

3) Talk Positively about your own Body: I know, I know. It seems hardly possible for some of us, but let’s just try it.  Let your kids catch you talking about how good exercise feels, not because it keeps you thin, but because it makes you strong and healthy. Discuss how confident you feel when you appear professional rather than how pretty you are or are not. Express appreciation for being able to take an active role in your child’s life when playing with them. These comments may not come naturally and may seem minute, but with practice, they can become affective statements that help alter your child’s self-perception and instill a sense of…wait for it..Self-Satisfaction! Imagine that!

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Dr. Allison Agliata spends her days as counselor at the prestigious Carrollwood Day School, an International Baccalaureate School in Tampa. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology, has served four years as psychologist in the U.S. Air Force and spends her free time as a mom, wife, baker and traveler. Check her out in our experts section: warriorsofweight.com/experts.
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GET YOUR WISH: 10 STEPS TO DISCOVERY (Issue 2)

by Diane Gold

Early on, I can remember marketing coaches asking me what I wanted. On more than one occasion, I would answer them by talking about one project idea after another, not focusing on one idea. I had an expert at my fingertips and no crystalline vision on my tongue. If I couldn’t come up with my own desire, how could someone help me with it? Having multiple creative projects in my head, as a rule, led me to understand how important it is to focus on one idea and have a priority and to-do list to execute.

This brings me to the topic of our main essay in this issue: Knowing Your Wish And Getting It. I talk about what it can mean to pinpoint direction, and I include a 10-step to-do list to get us there. The steps should take no more than 5 minutes. Some of us will only use 8 steps, so let’s go.

I’ve been working with many moms and daughters through martial arts and personal development training. What I’ve found is that focus makes winners; consideration for self generates strength and follow-through.

If we could have one wish to change one thing about ourselves, what would it be? Would we wish to look like “eye candy” that sells media headlines? Maybe yes, but would that be our primary wish? Would we wish to know our daughters more completely? Would we make a wish of health for our daughters or ourselves? Would we wish to give our wish to our daughter instead of ourselves? Or would we wish to work to eliminate hunger in our life time? Which would we choose?

To be faced with deciding our path, when there are so many avenues, can leave us stumped, unsure and even stuck. The interesting thing is that many of us would jump at the opportunity for a free wish but have not selected what it would be. Knowing the direction we want to go is half the achievement and certainly a motivating force. Getting it is the rest.

Here’s a parable about the wish collector, who can give out wishes, a woman who walks the earth helping people with their wishes, and the girl who wants a wish.

The wish collector comes to visit the girl as she is walking up to her doorstep. She says,

“OK, my wonderful girl. You have 30 seconds to make a wish to change something in or for yourself. Are you ready?”
The girl says,

“Well, Ms. Wish Collector, that is a tough question because there are so many wishes I have considered.”

Ms. Wish Collector says,

“That’s OK, dear girl. There’s no rush. I’ll be back another time after you’ve had time to think about it.”

One month passes and the wish collector doesn’t come back. The girl is patient because she meditates to music, but she notices eight months have passed, and the wish collector has not been back to visit her. All of a sudden, the girl hears her name. It’s the wish collector calling from the driveway. The collector is asking the girl whether she has decided on her number one wish. The girl says,

“I am so happy to see you, Ms. Wish Collector. I was busy being concerned about whether I would ever get another chance to make my wish. But, here you are.”

The girl smiles and looks happy but makes no attempt to speak. The wish collector asks,

“So, what did you decide?”

The girl says,

“I never took the time to really find my priority because I didn’t know when you were coming. I’ve been too worried about whether or not you would come back. I will pick anything that comes to my head because I know I only have 8 seconds left to make a wish and don’t want to lose my wish altogether or wait for you to come back again.”

The good news about this story is two-fold: we can figure out what we want, how valuable it is to us and what we are willing to give up to achieve it and the wish collector who leads us to contemplate our objective is within us. It is we who get to decide on our most precious goal, although we might want to keep it small enough so that we can succeed at it small increments at a time.

Here are some examples of reasonable wishes:
1. wanting a new mirror that will show your beauty and power. This requires going into the bathroom, getting your old mirror, washing it with some mirror cleaner and giving yourself a giant hug before you look in it.
2. having your daughter look forward to your phone calls or visits in her room. This requires not asking her a bunch of questions about her life: (author’s note: guilty of daughter question bombardment).
3. beginning to love the person you are. This requires winking at yourself and smiling afterwards. The act in itself will begin the movement.

Here is an example of a poorly thought-out wish:
the chance to walk down the runway in a Milan fashion show, today, if your only means of transportation is your feet, you are not in Milan and you don’t know anyone in the fashion industry well enough to drop in on a show.

The great news is we are worth the preparation of discovering our most important wish. We are smart enough to proceed to achieve it. And we are wise enough to reach out from our own journey and ask others to walk alongside us in partnership, as mother and daughter, as global women and as fellow human beings.

The conclusion here is this: in order to reach our ONE WISH, which is the path we choose for right now, we must consider what is most important to us. There is no rush, so we need proceed at our own pace. As long as we don’t procrastinate or consistently stray away from a decision through distraction. Writing down ideas helps a lot. Every time we cross one off or delete an idea, we are one step closer to having that one wish present in our mind. Once we have “it,” we can take a tiny sliver of an action that will take us a centimeter closer to achieving “it.” Big steps are OK, but we must be polished swimmers to jump into deep ocean. Most of us can do massively well by first stepping off the sandbar and proceeding slowly. Please be patient as I outline steps for finding the right wish for you now. They may seem easy and obvious, but going through the exercise of writing them down and proceeding one at a time builds momentum and keeps us directed.

1. Make a list of 10 wishes you would like to become reality now.
2. Eliminate those that cannot be started in one week’s time, down to 5. We can edit our wishes so that we pick one step of a wish that can be started in one week’s time.
3. Prioritize the 5.
4. Get rid of 3 by considering what would happen if we had 30 seconds to decide what our wish would be. Pressure usually helps, but not always.
5. Say out loud the first of these 2 as if it is our priority. Record it, and listen to it.
6. Do the same with the second of the 2.
7. Decide which one sounds as if we like the outcome.
8. That is the one. Say it LOUD in the mirror. We have it!
9. If that doesn’t work, tell ourselves we are going to flip a coin, and we do it.
10. If we are upset with the outcome, then we pick the opposite wish. Now, we have our wish for the wish collectors that we are.

How many times can we remember deliberating for so long that an opportunity passed us by?Taking too long to start can equal missing the boat. Please let us know how you did with this simple 10-step system (or maybe we were finished in 8 steps).

We would like to hear about your journey, so feel free to go online to warriorsofweight.com, click on this one under articles and leave a comment. Or go to our contact form at warriorsofweight.com/contact-us. Or email 1[at] warriorsofweight [dot] com.

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, site for Moms For Healthy Daughters, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music pro and stress expert. She says, “Making a wish is a three-step process: knowing our wish, committing to it and taking one step forward.”