ARE YOU AN ENABLER, CODEPENDENT ON A USER? THE 10 MOST COMMON REASONS  (ISSUE 105)

By Diane Gold

Are you an enabler? Are you in love with or  do you love someone who is in love with substance whom you help get it?

Let’s look at the term “enabler” and give it a definition so that we are all using the same meaning.

According to the dictionary, an enabler is a person who makes something possible. In the habit sense, it is a person who assists a habitual behaviorist to get her reward from some negative behavior.

Many enablers don’t realize they are enabling. They are so wrapped up in another person who is wrapped up in indulging behavior that they don’t see their behavior as a habit that is hurting them both. In fact, most enablers believe they are helping the other person, blind to the dependence that obvious to others.

Almost 10 years ago, for almost 10 years, I enabled the person with whom I lived. I used my money, my credit and my organizational skills to make sure he had his drugs, his alcohol, commercial property to conduct business and a nice place to live. In my case, it was a little convoluted because I was jealous of his using drugs and alcohol without me, so I used them when I saw his use. I was codependent with a touch of substance abuse.

One of my remedies was to go into the bedroom and lock the bedroom door and put the pillow over my head until I fell asleep. VERY DIFFICULT, but effectively removing me from that situation!
Personally, I was enabling this man to use drugs and alcohol to insure my own security. I was afraid to cut the money off and say,

“No more,”

since I was not willing to see the truth, that the man with whom I lived was interested in substance before me. What made it even harder was that we were business partners. And, if I stopped facilitating the business, I would be looking for a new career. I was afraid of that change, too.

A decade later, it’s easy to see now what my motives were then and the enabling behavior that went on, the excuses I made for this man’s violence that went along with my actual forgiving, “healer” nature.

Since that time, after removing myself from the situation, I can evaluate the many stories I hear about the difficulty in saying “no” because this response causes so much emotional pressure. I can relate, and I can suggest.

TOP 10 REASONS WE GIVE OURSELVES TO MAINTAIN THE ENABLER ROLE

Here are a list of things that go on in our head that keep us enabling. Do you recognize any?:

1) If I don’t give my loved one the money for her habit, she might get arrested or get shot,

2) If I don’t give my loved one a ride to her dealer’s house, she will walk at night in the bad neighborhood and might get raped,

3) If I don’t give my loved one money for her habit, she won’t love me,

4) If I tell my loved one she’s overweight or stop buying her the donuts and ice cream she loves, this will hurt her feelings; so I won’t say anything,

5) If I don’t give my loved one a ride when she calls for a ride at any hour, she might get arrested walking in the street and then raped in jail,

6) If I don’t let my loved one live at my house and she gets hurt or killed on the street, it’s my fault,

7) I’m married to her, so I have to pay for her habit. After all, “to love and to cherish, in good times and bad,”

8) If I don’t give my loved one money, she might leave me,

9) Even though I know my loved one is stealing money from me, I won’t say anything because she might hit me or hurt our child.

 

10) My loved one came to me and trusted me with her substance problem so I have to give her money for drugs because I can’t betray her trust.

 

BEING BRAVE

In the same way that some cultures send a young person out to prove adulthood, we must allow our loved ones to fend for themselves or work on themselves, or they will never prove themselves to themselves. If we want to save ourselves, we must, in turn, remove the magnetic pull they have on us and let go, if we are to find our own way.

Letting go doesn’t mean not see our loved one, necessarily, but it does mean take hold of our behavior and put down our enabler role. We must be massively brave and courageous to do it, since all sorts of emotions pull at us to enable and we can’t fathom not seeing our loved one.

In more cases than not, it may be necessary to limit the times we see our loved one while we are working on ourselves and the loved one is working on herself. Because we are adults, we don’t get supervised visits, but that may be what we need. It’s the same as when we are stopping abusing alcohol or drugs. Many of us have to avoid going places that serve alcohol or market drugs. We may, in the future, choose to be in places with alcohol, although we may choose never again to be in places that market drugs. Until we are more evolved in the process, and our habit is replaced with another, we may need to plan where not to go. I can vouch for the benefits of this separation!

CONCLUSION

Being an enabler can be borne out of wanting to help, which is a natural human feeling. It usually comes from some type of insecurity as does the craving behaviors, themselves. Many of us feel a calling to ease the pain of others. It goes too far when we get lost in someone else’s negative behavior to the point where we stop our own progress and hurt the person we are attempting to help.

We are not alone, and being codependent is not shameful. When we see our behavior clearly, we can change our habit and be happier.

ACTION STEPS, INSTEAD OF ENABLING

Here are some action steps we can take instead of continuing the codependent behaviors we usually do.

1) Keep no money in the house, so that, when asked, you can say you don’t have any money. This solution precedes the direct “no” response which you may have to work up to. This is a step of blind faith that you will survive saying “no.” I can vouch for it. You will survive it!

2) When your someone asks you to come with your car to get her at an inconvenient or inappropriate time, you can say you are sleeping and end the call. You know your person is safe, more or less, since you have just heard from her. Your person will find a way home.
The first time is the hardest because all those feelings of responsibility for harm come up. I can vouch for it. You can do it!

3) Seek a support group, either online which is immediate, or at a group location. It helps to listen to others in similar situations. Or confide in a support person, and say you have discovered you are an enabler. If it’s a friend, do not let the friend talk you out of your realization.  Here’s an interesting online option: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm

WORK WITH US

If you would like to set up a consult or ask a question about your situation, please go to our Contact Us page. Even if you are confused about your situation, you are welcome to reach out here. Please include the best time to contact you.

SUGGESTED READING

I do not prefer the 12-step program that is mentioned in the recommended article below. However, the eloquence with which this writer orates is reason enough to read the passage. Please start with the words,

“Over the last 28 years,”

if you wish to avoid another statement with which I take issue.

http://the12stepbuddhist.com/codependent-once-more/

FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

A lot of her topics deal with personal development and self-evaluation and the fact that all habits take different shape. She says,

“One of the hardest habits to spot is that of being an enabler. All we know is that we have a loved one and that we want to heal the loved one. Enablers get so caught up in another person’s life that they forget that they cannot fix another person. Only we can fix ourselves.

“It takes courage to look in the mirror when that means admitting we might have a habit that needs replacing. Most of the time, we have a little voice on our shoulder that has told us something is not right. And most of the time, if we are lucky enough to be free, we can get some support to replace our old habit with a new one.

“In order to see ourselves, we usually have to step back. Then, we can follow some simple steps which are different from the old steps we took a moment ago. Being codependent is no one’s fault, and no one’s to blame for developing the enabler habit. If we see it in ourselves and really want to help our loved one, it might be time to replace it.”

HABITUAL BEHAVIOR DEVELOPS VALUABLE SKILLS: WANT TO REPLACE A HABIT? (ISSUE 104)

By Diane Gold

We all exhibit habitual behavior. We have developed valuable skills as a result of by the very nature of carrying out our habitual acts. We create an expertise in order to do what it takes to get our reward of choice; we repeat and complete and do it again. This prowess builds in us proficiencies which can translate into positive action in our home life, our work productivity and our own creative projects, even if our habitual behavior is not supportive of our own lives. When we choose to replace our habit with one that is positive to our lives, we already have lots of worthwhile skills to make the change and to accompany us on our journey. And when we have a new and healthy habit; the skills we have shaped will remain!

WHAT IS HABITUAL BEHAVIOR?

Let’s define habitual behavior as a pattern of action that follows an emotional and/or physical craving that leads to some type of internal intake or ingestion, tick, movement, series of actions, that takes place several times a day, once daily or several times a week, and that, when removed without replacement, causes psychic or physical reaction that can be severely painful. When we change the habit, we actively divert our own attention from the expectation of the old reward we couldn’t live without using the same skill set we created in developing the original habitual behavior; this is how we form a new one.

ACTION STEPS

1) Ask yourself if you have a habitual behavior. Only you will know the answer if you want it that way.

2) Ask, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being most supportive, how supportive this habit is for your life.

3) If your behavior is less than 7, consider changing to another one. (There are action steps and contacts below that can help do this.)

WHAT? I’M WORTHWHILE?

When we have a habitual behavior, it is fair to say we have established some strong core competencies in our lives that, if well directed, make us excellent commodities of financial, social, personal worth. Here are some worthwhile tools we have acquired:

we know how to obtain money for food, even if we spend it to our disadvantage to get the reward a negative habitual behavior;

we know how to obtain money for shelter, even if we spend it to our disadvantage to get the reward from a negative habitual behavior;

we have the personal freedom to consume, which means we are not under military confinement or in jail.

This means we are massively more fortunate than a great percentage of the rest of the world population. Of course, looking at others does our lives no good, since our habitual behavior may be consuming us. The steps below as well as the skills we have created will help us.

THE SKILLS

What is extremely important is the skill set we have acquired to meet the conditions of our habitual behavior. Many mirror the traits of very successful people whose habitual behavior is not a detriment to their lives:

we have courage as we, alone, are dealing with ourselves,

 we have ingenuity enough to have devised a way to live with our habitual behavior in our lives,

(remembering some not so uncommon ingenuity: Bobby M. had devised a lifestyle for himself around weather. He would steal saleable merchandise from cars to get drug money (which led to his reward feeling) from April to September and then get arrested and jailed from October to March. He was on the street attending to his habitual behavior for the warm weather and getting 3 square meals and adequate shelter, courtesy of the City of New York, in the cold weather.)

we have organization skills in order to get what we want,

we have timing so that we have the object of our habit as frequently as we need it,

we have focus so that we take the right actions to get what we want,

we have drive to get what we want,

we have diplomacy to get what we want,

we have conflict resolution experience from juggling and managing our habitual behavior.

These traits are a great foundation we have already built and mean that we do have something to offer on the other side should we decide to replace our habitual behavior. Many employers, organizations, friends, families value the characteristics in us we already possess.

ACTION STEPS TO CONVERT NEGATIVE HABITUAL BEHAVIOR INTO POSITIVE HABITUAL BEHAVIOR

In order to change a habit, we have to replace it. We do this by replacing the step we take to achieve our reward. In order to achieve this, we need take the same new step at the exact time we get our craving, our trigger, our cue, every time. This action will become familiar and will replace the old action, if we repeat it long enough, knowing it will become more manageable after the first month.

CAUTION

I’m not saying it gets easy. I am saying urges do get manageable and go away, in some of us, for long periods of time. The only requirement is BLIND REPETITION, not strength, not faith, not self-esteem, not friends, not psychological evaluation, not judging ourselves or others, only BLIND REPETITION.

THE ACTION STEPS

1) Immediately drink 1 full large glass of water. This means always have water with you, should you get a cue that previously triggered you to your old habitual behavior, when out in the world.

2) Take a minute out from whatever you are doing and listen to this song:

https://soundcloud.com/benladesh/ben-la-desh-why-dont-you.

Glue yourself to a chair and move the body to the beat for 1 or 2 minutes. Close your eyes, too. If you want to stand up and dance, do it after the first minute. After the first time you use this technique, go get a danceable song you can always take with you,  should you get a cue to consume when out in the world. Planning which song and how quickly you can get to it is the key.

And don’t say you can’t figure out a way to be excused from whatever you are doing for one minute. Think of all the manipulating ways you slipped away in the past to fulfill your previous rewards.

3) Call a friend or acquaintance to talk you through the urge, a friend who is prepared to take your call at any time, day or night. Drink a second glass of water while you are on the phone.

If you don’t have anyone you know who can be available for you – or you’re not comfortable asking – call 2-1-1 from your phone. This works in 90% of the United States. If 2-1-1 does not work, 1-800-552-1183 works from a touch-tone phone and for VoIP phones. 80 countries (including the European Union and Australia) use 112.

4) Immediately upon feeling your urge to act out your habitual behavior, go for a 5 minute run. If you don’t have the ability to go outside; go into the rest room, and run in place. If you are wearing heels, put down a few pieces of paper towel, take off your shoes and go, go, go. Time yourself.

5) Drink another glass of water after all these other activities. By this time, you should have diluted the urge to the point where you can manage it.

6) If your habitual behavior is not overeating, eat a meal immediately. To fulfill this one, it is always necessary to have some sort of meal with you at all times.

7) [or 6) if your habitual behavior is overeating] If you are home or can get to a rest room, brush your teeth as a symbol of starting a clean slate. This means carry a mini tube of toothpaste with you. Remember, this is no weirder than actions you’ve taken to get your old reward.

CONCLUSION

Most of the time, we develop habitual behavior because we experience grief, anger or limited self-esteem. These can come from abuse, crisis, death, sickness and whatever our mind conjures, since feelings are irrational and show up when they show up. Since we have a myriad of valuable skills from our habitual behavior, we are worthy, since worth is calculated by our collection of  respectable, attention-getting skills.

Even if we don’t feel it and even if no one has recognized us or commissioned us yet, we are worthy in terms of the definition.  In my personal opinion, everyone is worthy in some way, even if evaluators or teachers have not found the way for our subject to exhibit worthwhile behavior.

We can recognize, intellectually, anyway, that we have marketable, communication skills of merit by the very nature of our success at managing our habitual behavior. When we use them to the greater good (ours or that of the universe), we flourish. One step at a time, no thoughts, only action, power in our essence, using our valuable skills to change ourselves and the world.

 

 

FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

When we do anything else, we are elevating our skill set. The great set of skills we develop through habit behavior is no exception. She says,

“We have lots of favorable circumstance, as long as we are able to notice it. When we are consumed with negative habitual behavior, our lives are chaotic, messy, explosive; and our vision is dim. We miss opportunities at every turn as we are busy rewarding ourselves. Until we replace our habit.

“We have the group of skills that can change a habit, get us a new career or creative project and take us in a new direction.

“It is not impossible; all it takes is blind repetition which takes only one step. There are many resources available to help along the way, including the action steps in this issue. They work. I know. Put on carriage horse blinders and choose your direction. You can do it.”

THE HABIT OF GRATITUDE AND 100 WAYS TO FEEL IT! (ISSUE 100)

By Diane Gold

The habit of gratitude can be an acquired taste. Some of us naturally feel love and happiness with each positive occurrence. We also may have the temperance to quell the urge for revenge in negative events. Others of us train ourselves to jump-start the love through various means, even though we get angry. And then there are most of us who can develop this habit through the study of philosophy, through the inspiration of a teacher, the appreciation for a second chance or the lessons that experience brings.

Whether it is innate from an early age or we work on its cultivation, isn’t is glorious to feel exuberant throughout the day from the power it gives? And for those of us who have no interest in gratitude; most of the time, it will show up when we least expect it, and we’ll wonder why we did not prioritize it.

Because this is the 100th Issue of WarriorsOfWeight.com, our main essay will be a little different. We have compiled a list of things that are worthy of gratitude that might inspire the idea in others. Before that, we have our action steps, so that we can get our gratitude engines fired up before reading. They are entertaining to do and useful.

ACTION STEPS TO GRATITUDE CULTIVATION

1) Squeeze the fists tightly, but keep the neck relaxed.

This builds power in the hands as the fist fill with blood.

2) Raise the fists in the air with elbows slightly bent, and say,

“Woo hoo!”

3X.

What this does is starts to vibrate the chest cavity so that we get the chi moving.

3) Jump up and down 5X.

This gets the heart and blood going and prepares the body.

4) Say a gigantic, voluminous

“Yes.”

You know how we like social proof, where we believe because we see others acting on that belief? This affirmative sound psychologically prepares us for positive thanks.

5) Read the list below and imagine yourself in the context of what is listed.

NOTE

This step is to be completed after reading the list, if you can wait. Steps 1 through 5 prime you to experience gratitude from the read. Step 6 will pop out of you. Here it is.

6) Make a list of 3, 5, 10, 25, 50 or 100 items for which you are grateful. As you have new experiences, know that many go on the list.

THE LIST

1) What about the joys of having children? This refers to biological ones or children you take/took care of.

 

 

2) What about the joy of taking care of your elders? Not only is it giving them solace, but, if we’re looking, there’s a lot to learn.

The task is difficult, yet it means we have had elders we can call ours.

3) What about the joy of taking care of a kitten, cat, puppy or dog? Their friendship is worthy of the time we take to care for them.

4) What about getting a phone call from a friend at the very time you needed one? It’s great to have a friend, and they mean a lot.

5) What about a friend’s offering the very thing you wished for without your having to ask? This happened to me when my close friend suggested my pets could stay with her while I traveled. If you’ve ever had a pet, you know how important it is to feel secure with the people who are taking care of them.

6) Did you ever have to go for a medical test that seemed like torture, and then it was over? That happened to me twice this week. Now, that’s gratitude.

7) How many of you have given birth? How about when the contractions are over and you’re finished? Of course, the birth is a magical experience, but the fact that the pain is over is pretty spectacular.

8) What about being at war and doing your duty and, subsequently, getting home safely? Others say that is huge, although I have not served in that way.

9) How about answering a question at school where everyone laughs at you? People point fingers for the rest of the day. And then you go into school the next day, and no one remembers the incident? That calls for gratitude.

10) What about when you start a new school in the middle of the year and don’t know anyone? And, for the first week, no one will sit with you? And then, someone invites you to sit together? That’s a good one, too.

11) What about if you become dizzy and can’t lift your head? It’s pretty horrible. And then it goes away? Since I spent a whole week feeling dizzy and nauseated a week ago, every day that I am not like that, I am consciously grateful.

I had a student who had chemotherapy and an MRI every two weeks. He used to share his gratitude that the chemo didn’t give him worse side effects. So, of course, it’s all about perspective. I was grateful he used the kung fu, tai chi and meditation I had taught him so that his MRIs were places to meditate during what is always very loud, unpleasant beeping, whirring, grinding metallic noise.

12) What about seeing your first lizard sunning on a rock on a normal day in the tropics? What a trip to see these animals in all shapes and sizes. Good to be part of it.

13) How about going to the beach and smelling that delicious salt smell? It is healing. wonderful and a big gift.

14) What about  the first time you move your arms and legs in the water and they hold you up, meaning you are swimming? Not everyone gets this opportunity, so consider being grateful if you swim.

15) Here’s a good time to be grateful if you read. Yes, it is common, but it is a gift that not everyone has. A great way to show gratitude for this one is to teach one person to read.

There used to be a sign in the NYC subway that said,

“If you can read this, thank a teacher.”

16) What if you live in the smallest house on the block? And then you move to an even smaller apartment? Many have no shelter, so it’s great to be grateful for what you have.

17) What if someone in your life passes away? Although the experience can be paralyzing, you are lucky to have known this person and have her bring her influence or love to you.

18) What about rectifying your differences with someone who passes away? I am so grateful for becoming best friends with my ex-husband before he passed. This was a gift.

19) Did you ever write a song? It’s amazingly cool. Having the creativity and drive to do it is great. If it has words and music, some write the words first. Others write the music first. Others write instrumentals. I am so grateful for the songs I have created.
If you’ve never done it and want to do it, write a poem first. If you need help with the music, you can ask us, and we will help.

20) Ever go skiing? Gliding down a hill of white weather is totally enjoyable? Or what about rolling in the snow? It’s the gift of weather. Don’t forget it on your list.

21) What about wanting to go out with someone and then that someone asks you out? This little occurrence is a gift, and gratitude is in order.

22) This could be considered silly, but no feelings are silly, so here it is: being able to print my documents on thick enough paper where the paper felt creamy and looked good. I know this luxury deserves gratitude.

23) What about having running water? Now that I have an awareness of how many people go to the river or water location daily to get water for the house, I am super grateful. I also know that 783 million do not have access to clean water; many are bringing home contaminated water. I also know that, if we reduced our bottled water intake by 1/3, we could fund a project to fix the dirty water issue.

24) What about loving your toilet? It’s great that we have one. 2.5 billion of our world do not. I know it seems so far away to those of us who have always had one. But it is a big issue. Not having a toilet means lack of sanitation which means disease.

25) Being able to have wheatgrass juice in the morning is something for which I have gratitude. It is a gift that I can access it. I was also fortunate to receive a wheatgrass extractor from a friend. Big time gratitude.

26) Having pure organic vegetable juice is a big gift. You can feel the ingredients cleansing and nourishing like little workers inside the body. Gratitude for my juicer, twice as nice because it was given by a friend.  gave me her juicer.

27) What about having a cellular phone? Very convenient, and the only option for some locations. Yes, everyone in certain locations has one, but think of it as a gift and conjure gratitude.

Did you know that more people have cell phones than toilets?

28) How about the way a food or drink calms the spirit from tension or anxiety? I’m remembering mouthwatering organic apple cider that hit the spot after one of those awful medical tests last week. It calmed my system but mostly my mind. It was like magic elixir to take away the psychological trauma from the sounds of a magnetic imaging machine.

29) What about the delight of going to a movie, the theater, a concert you said yes to because your friend wanted to go turning out to be unbelievably great? That’s a gift.

30) What about being recognized for doing what you love to do, such as playing the piano, writing, lecturing, developing solutions for people? That’s the way to live. Be grateful for it.

NOTE

The next 70 ways to feel gratitude will be part of my list. Please comment should you recognize any or want to share yours.

31) My own orchid blooming.

32) My children’s first step and word.

33) My cats’ coming home after I let them out alone for the first time in a new location.

34) Having body pain go away.

35) Not making too many mistakes when playing the piano recital.

36) The thrill of playing a piano for the first time and all the cool times after that.

37) Being able to forgive myself for an action where I made a bad choice that I can’t change.
39) Being able to talk about the bad choices I have made with friends who accept me anyway.

40)  Doing free dance and 5Rhythms dance.

41) Knowing how to do and teach tai chi.

42) Having changed people’s lives through my work.

43) Having eaten some delicious fresh organic fruits.

44) Loving the seeds I eat daily.

45) Being loyal to others.

46) Being so lucky as to have people in this world that I love and love me.

47) Seeing pygmy marmosets at the Bronx Zoo exhibit.

48) Experiencing Hawaii and our friends with my grown up kids.

49) Doing tai chi to dj music and dancing at Ultra Music Festival.

50) Having a strong body.

51) Having a balanced approach to life.

52) Having not worn glasses for the first 46 years.

53) Remembering phone numbers without looking.

54) Having had a rich experience coming of age in New York City.

55) Living 1/2 a block from the door to undergraduate and graduate university.

56) Having had a super musical and understanding principal at one of the schools where I taught who allowed me to buy turntables and teach mixing.

57) Having easy access to computer technology.

58) Understanding how to make a few kinds of websites and use basic html. (Yes, I’m grateful since I love code.)

59) Having experienced lots of desserts of many flavors.

60) Having done turntable mixing with vinyl records. Yippee!

61) Having a great relationship with my kids.

62) Having respect for my kids and getting respect from them.

63) Living within 2 minutes of the ocean.

64) Being from New York.

65) Having had a strong and courageous mother.

66) Having had a loving father who taught me algebra, sports and small boat stuff.

67) Being proud to be my parents’ daughter.

68) Being happy to be gathering information on corporate customer service flaws.

69) Being thrilled to be compiling fitness books for different target markets.

70) Being thrilled  to be offering one-minute exercises for habit change.

71) Being happy that someone invented an internet radio station based upon musical characteristics and that I can access it.

72) Being grateful that I can watch movies on a big screen, thanks to my kids. It really changes the perspective.

73) Having had piano lessons with Sanford and Norman.

74) Having the locational and financial opportunity to be vegan.

75) So grateful that I can minimize killing by being vegan.

76) Loving the food that I eat as a vegan.

77) Having listened to some of the greats in jazz every night during the 70s including Bill Evans, my hero, Herbie Hancock, Keith Jarrett & the band, Chick Corea & Return To Forever.

78) Having the doorman of my NYU owned apartment find my cat who fell off the 4th floor terrace, alive, with only a broken leg.

79) Having a cohesive family unit as a child.

80) Having a loving uncle, like a second father, who came to visit every Sunday.

81) Having a special toy closet that my grandfather kept for me. He used to go to second hand shops and get second hand toys and games, all of which were a thrill to me since I never knew what would be in there.

82) Eating raspberries and blackberries from my grandmother’s bushes.

83) Having experienced the love of all the pets I have been fortunate enough to have had.

84) Having the ability to walk, talk, see, taste, sing, smell, hear.

85) Having a continuing true connection to my late ex.

86) Being so fortunate as to watch my children become adults and be on their paths in life.

87) Grateful to love music.

88) Being able to work without equipment.

89) Happy to have given up package vegan food for freshly made food.

90) Having shells of all sizes and shapes that have added beauty to my life. Of course, it is important to see that no animal is living in a shell before it is moved.

91) Being able to enjoy 80 degree weather on a regular basis.

92) Having ice skated in the little pond next to my elementary school.

93) Having breathed out in the winter and seen my breath.

94) Having jogged in the winter to have icicles form on my eyelashes.

95) Having had the same chipmunk come up on the deck for one whole season.

96) Feeling positive about my accomplishments.

97) Having the skills to change habits successfully using a simple systematic approach.

98) Having the skills to teach others how to change habits successfully using a simple systematic approach.

99) Feeling grateful for the time I have had so far.

100) Waking up one more day.   

 

CONCLUSION

We hope this list will inspire thoughts that will help develop a personal list for which to be grateful.

ACTION STEP

Every day is a good day to look to find one more thing to add to the list.

The best of love and health in life. We are pleased to celebrate this anniversary because of you.

SPECIAL ATTENTION BELOW TO GET YOUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT

OUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT TO YOU ~ OUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT TO YOU

Would you like to help others by telling your story? Write to us so we can let others know about you. All brave ones who do this will get an evaluation and a three-step personal action plan for your effort.

OUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT TO YOU ~ OUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT TO YOU

____________________________________________________________________
FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She believes in gratitude. She says,

“It is a skill like any other. Sometimes, it’s more natural than at other times. But, everyone can learn to cultivate gratitude.

“Be patient, make your list and be glad for one thing today. That’s a great start. When you awaken tomorrow, there’ll be one more thing for which to be glad.”

3 HABIT CHANGES THAT TURN SICKNESS INTO HEALTH! (ISSUE 99)

By Diane Gold

We are often not aware of sickness habits or wellness habits. For the most part, when we’re sick, we are consumed with feeling sick. Hopefully, you can’t relate to this feeling, but most of us can and do. And when we are well, we are not thinking about sickness.

When sick, we can be dizzy, nauseated, have pressure in our head, be too hot, too cold, be perspiring, achy and itchy. Along with that, we are often anxious that we are sick,  especially if we and our health professionals cannot diagnose us.

So far, the only times I have been sick have happened in the past couple of years since I turned 60. And both times, my “specialist” physicians could give me no definitive cause for what I was feeling. That did prompt me to pine for a non-fiction version of Dr. House, MD, the TV series diagnostician, extraordinaire and gave me a bit of anxiety. I even wrote an article about it which you can access at the end of this article.

HABIT A) DROOPING HEAD

When we are sick, we are hiding from the world; light may hurt our eyes. We, like toddlers, think that if we are not looking up, the sickness we are experiencing will disappear. When we’re dizzy, as I have been for a good five days, we’re looking for some relieving position. So, anything goes. Or does it?

When we drop the head, we may cause the airway (the trachea) to become compressed, although, the cartilage around it ultimately protects it. The neck becomes strained because the head is not being supported correctly by the neck muscles, and the head is weighty.

ONLINE RESEARCH

I discovered a video this past week when, not being able to get an appointment with an ear, nose and throat specialist, I needed a do-it-myself how-to video on the repositioning technique for dizziness.

The maneuver, specifically for the diagnosis, Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo, BPPV, with which I have not been diagnosed (yet), requires the patient to turn the head in a specific way for a few minutes and then keep the head straight, in one position, for 48 hours.

What I realized immediately was that the position of the proposed 48-hour position of the head was the suspended head position we teach in tai chi that brings stability to the region, allows the most oxygen to freely flow to the lungs, taxes the neck less than any other position and allows the most alertness and focus. It maintains tai chi principle by keeping the bones and body in proper alignment. It turns out it also helps to alleviate dizziness.

What did I realize? That because I was sick, my head was drooping in that “woe is me” posture and causing more sickness than health and maneuver immediately brought more air flow to me through realignment.

Picture a bobblehead on a dashboard in a 1960’s movie. In the old days, the head would be able to vibrate because a very springy wire connected the head to the body. Now, more durable plastic is used, and there’s less visible separation between the head and the body. But the trachea of this imaginary bobblehead person was never compressed because the head could not tilt forward. The spine of this imaginary person could not be compressed because the head could not tilt backwards. It could only maintain one position, that of maximum alignment and the most stability to the neck region. I stayed in the position for at least four hours and felt good, realizing that drooping my head had been slowing my healing.

ACTION STEPS

1) Aim the top of the head toward the ceiling, and keep it there throughout these steps.

2) Pull the head back from the lower hairs of the rear of the neck without tilting the head as if avoiding a sharp object pointed at the front of the center of the neck.

3) Notice how that position feels good.

4) Notice a freedom of the circulation of air in the body.

5) Notice whether quick turns add to discomfort, and be slow.

6) When you find you are slumping the head, go back to placing the head in the suspended head position again. Be diligent.

HABIT B) NOT EATING OR DRINKING

When we are sick, we may be nauseated, and we may not feel hungry. If we don’t eat, unfortunately, we will deplete our body nutrients.
Many people who want to lose weight think that during sickness is a fabulous time not to eat because the body will consume less calories and come out skinnier. Sounds like a plan, but no, it is not a good one.

The body needs what it needs. Feeling or not feeling like giving nourishment to it has nothing to do with the fact that the body needs what it needs. Yes, our bodies are sensitive if we feed them well; and the body may tell us when it demands less. But, when we feel sick, our immune system is telling us to maintain foods that enhance it, like green leafy, alkalizing wheatgrass and cruciferous veggies, citrus fruits, antioxidants, vitamin E, zinc, echinacea, tea and good, old carbs for fuel.

Reduction dieting is best during wellness.

ACTION STEPS

1) Drink one glass of water every hour or so. If it is difficult to get it down, keep drinking as much as possible. Hydration helps the body heal Keep it to a minimum of one glass every three hours, if you are having trouble with the recommended amount.

2) If you have the energy, eat normally. It’s easier if you have someone who will provide food for you while you rest. It may be necessary to purchase or have someone purchase foods that are partially or fully prepared for you, if getting up to prepare food is not an option. If you’re on your own, make sure to eat two pieces of Ezekiel bread with olive oil on them, if possible. Accompany this with at least one full glass water. Two is better if you can handle it.

HABIT C) SHOULDER SLUMP

When we are sick, we tend to slump. We may feel we don’t have the energy to hold ourselves up. This is because we are expending our energy on the pain, suffering, oddness we feel and posture is our last concern.

This results in back strain as we are folding in our spine. A bigger result is that our oxygen flow is limited. Of course, the stronger our lungs are, the better our air will circulate. But, if we are crunching up the body, we are making it harder for our lungs to do their job. Though we may think it’s the most relaxed position, it’s not the most healthy.

ACTION STEPS

We’ve all seen those distinguished grannies and gramps who we know are sick but show the picture of health so as not to worry the young ones or be a burden.

1) Be those distinguished figures: not for the purpose of making impressions for the sake of others. No, when you’re sick, it’s about getting healthy. And it’s about healing by taking on the persona of those who have gone before.

2) Straighten that spine, even if you’re doing so in bed. I have taught many people who could not get out of bed. It’s a great place to work out, whether it’s physical or mental. Picture that the more you stretch it, the more you will heal yourself. It’s true.

CONCLUSION

Hopefully, we will be more healthy than sick. There is a vast amount of digital research available to us that might be beneficial to review. Discussing what we find with a medical professional is always preferable, if possible, but, until that time, reading information may offer relief, as it did with me.

The habit changes are not new revelations. However, when we are feeling off, sick, terrible, pain or dizzy; we may forget the body principles we know to be healthy for us.

We know to keep our head in an erect position. We know to nourish and hydrate. We know to maintain a straight spine. During times of body stress, such as sickness, we need to train ourselves to be conscious of these things. Probably every time we are sick, we must be aware, since the discomfort will pull us away from what we know to be healthy.

May we all have more healthy days than sick, and may we take responsibility for turning sickness into health.

As promised, here’s the link to the article Looking For Dr. House: http://snurl.com/dr_house, for your information.

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She believes it is our responsibility to act on behalf of our own health. She says,

“Whether we have the best medical professional or not, unless we pay for concierge medical service, we do not have instant access to her/him. When we become sick, it’s our duty to ourselves to work on our own behalf. There are many things we can do to help ourselves. It’s our responsibility to do them.

“When we wait, we should develop the ammunition of knowledge necessary to protect our bodies as best we can on our own. Posture and nutrition are always a part. Hopefully the three simple habit changes mentioned here can impact the way we treat ourselves and inspire us to turn our sickness into health.”

SOCIAL INFLUENCE, HABIT CHANGE AND WHAT’S MISSING! (ISSUE 98)

By Diane Gold

What is it with social influence and habit change? For habit change, it seems very obvious that people like support. And that more people change a habit using a buddy system or enlisting an accountability partner or group. This article will focus on what about groups helps us and what’s basic to success.

THE MOTIVATION WE GET FROM GROUPS

When thinking about social influence and habit change, I think of doing physical fitness like tai chi, going to the gym, going to a weight watch group, going to a rehab center. The function of each of these group activities is motivation of some kind. Let’s look at how the group motivates us.

1) We are social creatures and can enjoy being in the company of others.

2) Because we are the ultimate creatures of habit, a new group setting can be a safer environment than one we have been around when acting out our old habit.

3) We can get courage from hearing that someone else understands us, whether we are talking about drugs, weight loss or anything else.

4) Being with others is a big distraction that can assist us when breaking in a new habit. After all, when we are alone, we are our sole distraction, and the only person on whom we rely; but, in a group setting, we have more social influence keeping us on track.

5) Because we are so impressionable, for the most part, we pick up the habits of others. Therefore, if we are around people who are productive, we will be more inclined to be productive.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

We should note that the group experience is not everyone’s preference. If we look at how Americans spend their time, according to the America Time Use Survey, done by the U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics, a similar percentage of people work out alone as together. But this statistic is not specifically for habit change activity, so I would suspect if there were a time use survey done for people who are changing a habit, there would be more groupies than soloists.

SUCCESS RATE

When we look at the amount of people who go back to their old habits after six months, a year, five years; it can be disheartening. There’s an interesting statistical article from 2004 about how treatment doesn’t work at:
http://www.soberforever.net/currenttreatdoesnt.cfm.

Unfortunately, after writing about how treatment doesn’t work, the article’s publisher contradicts itself by saying its treatment facility has a success rate 30% higher than anyone else.

It is fairly accepted that most people who become residents in rehabilitation centers succeed between 3% and 10% of the time to maintain their habit change. The data at centers is usually compiled without scientific method, and, because individuals only answer survey questions to arrive at conclusive data, it is extremely difficult to maintain study integrity.

SIDEBAR

This fact reminds me of another modality whose studies are sporadic, don’t always use scientific method and are small. It’s how tai chi, which saves lives, does its magic. Studies that involve mind-body answers and compare one’s lifestyle before and after are very expensive. To conduct a nice-sized primary study (one that uses fresh data to arrive at conclusions vs. a secondary study that analyzes and interprets a primary study), it can cost $250,000 and that would be for a small mind-body study.

WHAT’S MISSING?

So, what’s missing from all these programs that include one-to-one therapy, group therapy, peer group therapy, tai chi, chi kung, yoga, massage, sauna, meditation, organic vegan food and more?

I’m going to repeat what makes up a habit: a cue, a behavior and the resulting reward. This habit model doesn’t change. So what are we shooting for?

When we go into a program and do all the therapies mentioned above, we have one purpose. It is to change a habit. This requires that a new system be put in place. To build this, we must change the mind and develop skill and build our foundation. After all, we need to have something to hold on to when our urges show up in order to direct us to execute our new behaviors we have developed.

BUILDING FOUNDATION

Let’s use how tai chi changes us since I have seen it first-hand in many hundreds of people. Any mind-body work or other creative discipline can do it as long as the instructor understands how foundation is built and instructs it starting with the basics.

People think tai chi is for exercise or defense, alone. It’s really for perception change. By doing a powerful exercise as tai chi is, we learn a systematic approach to movement. This system gives us tools to use in everyday life. As we acquire the patience to endure tremendous body exertion, we are learning a tool that works with anything in life. We have the understanding to know that the physical exertion and mental concentration needed to physically execute the movement is teaching us to follow through. And it is showing us we can do it.

This type of training gives us a foundation of skills that can be used to change a habit. They are self-esteem, pride, temperance, patience, tolerance, strength, balance and many more. These are the traits needed for habit change. If a rehab program misses teaching these skills through some type of system, the program participant is left in relatively the same condition as when s/he arrived, only learning a few rote skills which usually fade away, exposing the old habit.

CONCLUSION

We are socially influenced in many ways. When we see lots of people doing the same thing, we are more inclined to do that same thing. I always give the example of helping a fallen woman on the sidewalk. If no one has stopped to help, we are less likely to stop. If someone has already stopped to help, we will be more likely to inquire if we can help (unless we are public servants or feel like public servants and believe it is our duty to protect).

It’s the same if we surround ourselves with people who do not take drugs or drink or overeat or gamble. We will be more likely to accept behaving in a similar fashion, especially if they know we are working on habit change. If we keep repeating a new behavior in place of the old habit at the same time as building a personal foundation, we will succeed. And what’s missing at the start will no longer be missing. We will have developed, not only new behaviors, but a structure within ourselves that will sustain the way we wish to live.

ACTION STEP SEQUENCE

In order to see how easy it is to reach out to another, meaning, to form a group, here’s an action that might be helpful.

1)  Approach someone who is in your life or just someone you meet at the library or supermarket.

2)  Tell her (him) you are doing an experiment and that you need help one time between 6 pm and 7 pm one night this week. (It can be a different time.)

3)  Tell the person that, when you call, you will ask her to tell you how important you are to your mission.
_________

Let us know how it goes.
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has been influenced by group dynamics and seen how others sometimes get trapped. She says,

“Fortunately, I was raised to be very independent. But groups still influence me. Whether we are helped by the group or our own personal way, the one that works is the right one for each of us.

“As for building a foundation, there’s only one way to go about it: one step at a time. Slowly, with consistency and follow-through. As we begin to build upon ourselves, we become very strong. Then we become the social influencers, and nothing more is missing.”

THE ONE SECRET TO HABIT CHANGE: GET IT AND USE IT! (ISSUE 97)

By Diane Gold

There is one secret to habit change. We don’t need to be college-educated to understand it. We don’t have to have been brought up in a wealthy home to use it. It is the same in every country. It applies to every habit. We all know the concept as it applies to daily life. Yet, it’s still a secret.

Before we spell it out for you, let’s look at the characteristics of habit change. We have three ingredients: the URGE, which is the itch or cue that we want to experience a particular pleasurable feeling; the ACTION, which is whatever is done in response to the urge; and the REWARD, which is the glorious feeling of pleasure we get from the action we chose to take after we had the urge.

In order to hear it, we must be ready at this very moment to realize its truth; and that if we don’t make it a priority in our lives, we will go another way. Easiest is best, and that’s upon what this secret is based.

Are you ready? Here it is.
In order to eliminate lots of wasted time from roller coaster habit change work, act within 5 seconds of feeling the urge. And you will have the easiest road ahead. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying this method makes it easier. Simple, right?

Let’s look at a few examples.

Picture the situation where we get an urge to eat cake. We are on a strict regimen not to include cake in our food plan. If we don’t act with instant motion within five seconds of the urge, we have already given ourselves time enough to plan which way we will walk to the cake store, passing an Automatic Teller Machine along the way, since we keep no cash with us to avoid running out to buy food. Oops, we forgot about the ATM card. Or figuring out how to run up an account with the local grocer if we have no cash, if we have remembered not to have an ATM card around.

[Note to self: if not already done, place the ATM card in the safety deposit box.]

If we do act within five seconds, we can dissipate our urge and have one more experience of staying within our food plan.

Here’s another.

Imagine it’s the end of the work day, we are closing up our store and start getting the urge to join all our buddies across the street and drink alcohol. Yet, we know, at this time, we have decided to abstain from alcohol because it does not support us. So, when we feel that craving, we have a choice: we can act within 5 seconds and take a new action that does not involve alcohol OR wait and go drink alcohol, a behavior we already know is not working for us. If the people at the pub are really our buddies, we will see them later, not in the bar.

This urge and this situation have happened to me more times than I can count. My live-in boyfriend had left work early and was always at the bar. So, my mind did its jealousy dance about his having alcohol and fun without me or having more alcohol than I was having. Crazy, right, that I would be jealous of someone else’s having more substance than I? Crazy, but true. Vividly, jealousy green, true.

The only way for me to replace this cycle was for me to act IMMEDIATELY before I thought about alcohol, jealousy, whatever else my crafty mind came up with. If I didn’t act quickly, I’d be sucked into the old habit behavior.

And finally, a last example follows.

Let’s say I had stopped smoking cigarettes for a year. And no one smoked around my job or house. One day, I was taking a walk in the metro area, and someone who was smoking passed me by. I got a whiff of smoke and instantly wanted to smoke. Without instant action, I would be urged to bum a cigarette from that very person. That would start the old familiar cycle of smoking which was the familiar behavior I knew that satisfied the craving for smoking. When I moved quickly and took a different action, I learned how to create new rewards with my different actions, and the urge to smoke went away again.

CONCLUSION

We have a very short window of opportunity in which to execute the one secret to habit change. It’s usually in that five second range that we must act. If we don’t take a new action within that time, we will habitually do our old behavior. And changing our habit will wait on the sidelines another day.

Think about it. What happens when we procrastinate? Nothing new. If we do nothing new to change our habit, we will gravitate toward what we know: our old habit. Most of us know our old habit with our eyes closed because we have repeated it so often.

It requires focus to take a new step. The more we take that step, though, the more it replaces our old action. If we do it once, it’s a novelty. If we do it twice, we see its merits. If we carry it out a third, fourth, fifth time; it becomes more natural, although usually it requires 21 days for the mind to accept the new behavior as becoming a possible replacement.

ACTION STEP

The one action we will take when we feel an urge works for all kinds of habits. It can’t hurt us either. It can only help.

We will drink water, two glasses, eight to twelve ounces each, as soon as we feel our urge to fulfill our old craving, no matter what it is. The act of drinking water dissipates any of the oral addictions biologically, such as eating, alcohol drinking, drugging, smoking. It has the following effects on all habits.

1) It physically dilutes the blood so that the usual amount of substance (food, alcohol, drug) cannot produce the same reward.
Perspective

2) It changes our mental perspective so that we are no longer focused on whatever we were focused on before we drank the water.

3) It changes our emotional status because it has a calming effect.

4) It teaches us a technique we can use almost anywhere), at any time, as long as we are in a place fortunate enough to have freely running water.

5) It is our first habit change buddy, always loyal, never a flat leaver, always faithful.

Do it. It is massively impactful, requires little activity, not much effort other than the effort of doing magic on or tricking one’s own mind. And it works on all the urges to a large degree.

May the change be with you!

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has used the one secret to habit change many a time and would like to see it go public. She says,

“Habits are learned by repeating one behavior, over and over again. If we were Vulcans (from Star Trek) and had no emotions, we’d have no trouble taking the secret step at any time and adjusting our behaviors.

“Because we are not Vulcans and are so attached to our emotions, cravings, urges, desires, passions; each behavior is motivated by many emotions. Thus, we need boldly to move ourselves to the new behavior, whether our emotions agree or not. This takes focus. If we put on horse blinders, we would have an easier time. Although the very idea might diminish our self-esteem, another important emotion; so we don’t use them.

“The secret to habit change is water, two glasses. Let’s make an effort to drink it as a technique of change. It works and empowers, all by itself. Consider it. There’s nothing to lose.”

THE 5 BIGGEST MISTAKES OF HABIT CHANGE (ISSUE 96)

By Diane Gold

What if we could boil down the 5 biggest mistakes of habit change? Could we use them to make changing habits easier? And out of them create the 5 Commandments Of Habit Change?

Everything we read, hear, experience, learn, touch, smell, feel helps in the change process. But we always have to work hard to make change. I have turned myself inside out more than once, and I believe it to be a worthwhile activity.

MISTAKE 1) Look at more than one habit at a time.

In order to succeed, we must focus. We need one-pointed mind.

Remember the quote in The Last Samurai, where the Japanese general tells Tom Cruise’s character,

“Too many mind. No mind,”

when he is training him in the sword? (Go to http://000chi.com to hear the quote.)
Focus On One Habit At A Time

He is referring to our ping pong ball minds. When we look at many things, we lose focus of all of them. When we look at one thing, we are able to focus on it. One Habit At A Time!

MISTAKE 2) Picture the end result instead of the first step.

When learning to change a habit, looking too far ahead is usually a deal breaker. If we are looking at the end result, meaning that we changed our habit; it may look vast, overwhelming, impossible, certainly difficult that it’s quitting time, quitting the process of change, that is.

That’s why we only look at the very first step, whatever that step is for each of us at the moment. The first step is NOT the first step in the process. It is the one step directly in front of us. I realize that this same step may need to be done over and over and over again 25 times in one day. This depends upon how many times a cue, urge, trigger presents itself.

Here’s what I mean. Let’s say we decide that when we get the urge to __________, and I am leaving this blank so that any habit can be filled in; we will drink 16 ounces of water. We will also drink water before every meal. Supposedly, it’s difficult for the body to tell if it is hungry or thirsty, so water can fill us up, especially if we have the patience to wait 20 minutes (which most of us don’t) before we __________. Also, the act of drinking the water will change our focus from the ______________ to the water. It may be just enough to allow us not to ____________.

MISTAKE 3) Commit to change our habit forever.

When we decide we will change a habit forever, we are locking ourselves in a prison. To give up an old behavior is not as difficult if we tell ourselves that we might be able to go back to it at some point in the future. It makes it easier to start, and it is not as scary a process. Change A Habit For Today, Not Forever

It’s easier to say,

“I will do this today,”

than it is to say I will never do this again.

So, our change is for today, not for forever. One Urge At A Time.

MISTAKE 4) Stop doing the action that actually worked to get us to change our habit because we think it’s no longer necessary.

 How many times have we thought we had ourselves together, and we stopped behaving in the way that was working for us? We had changed our habit so long ago that we thought we could stop the technique that got us to change the habit?

This happens with the weight loss habit all day long. That’s why people lose weight for a year or five, then gain it back. That’s why substance abusers get clean for 10 years and then start their old behavior.

We can’t go to the track once; we can’t do drugs recreationally; we can’t eat chocolate cake for lunch. Because we will cause the cues to start hitting us in the head again. Kind of like a trigger on a gun that is broken. Every time it is fired, it cocks itself. And every time it is cocked, we have the itch to execute our old habit.

We can’t fight biology. Our habits live inside us, and we can’t take them out of us. We can choose to change a habit to make another dormant. If we stop the new, in most cases, we will revert back to the old way of behaving because it is so natural to us. That is why once we make a change, we have to maintain it for as long as we want the old habit to be hidden.

Here’s an example of how the habit of speaking one way reverts to an old way in a flash.

We speak with the accent of our region. The people around us sound the way we sound, and we sound the way they sound. No one in our region says we have an accent because we all speak similarly.

What happens if we move to a different region? According to our new neighbors, we have an accent. They sound like each other, and we don’t like them. People usually smile about it because we sound very much like the place from which we came. We smile, too.

So we end up living in the new region for about 10 years. And we start to sound more and more the way the people of the region sound. This is not really a phenomenon. It is a combination of:

1) wanting to fit in even if this desire is unconscious. We are human and we like to fit in;

2) learning our new accent unconsciously through continually hearing the new region speech all the time and, finally,

3) making an effort to learn the accent of the region so that we can further call it home.
What happens if our best friend from back in our old region comes to visit? We instantly start to speak the dialect or accent of our old region. In a flash. We go out to town to introduce our best friend, and we are speaking the way we were when we first arrived.

Here’s the explanation.

We learned our original habit, our accent from where we were born.

We changed this habit, partly by choosing to fit in and partly through unconscious, auditory repetition.

We changed our habit back to the original habit in a heartbeat because all our habits are always ours.

We choose a new behavior so as not to express the old habit. When we don’t, our old habit comes out (usually). So we need to be diligent even if we have been doing the new habit caused by the new action/behavior for a decade or longer.

The story about the accent focuses on a habit that is not harmful. And, most of the time, the accent habit situation is harmless. But what about the following scenario?

Imagine a U.S. Senator whose family members all speak street language. She was the only member of the family to go to school. She was raised on “ain’t,” “anyways,” “nucular energy,” “athalete,” “asterik,” “supposubly,” “mischieveeous.” She goes to visit her original home for a week and her entire family speaks their normal street speak to her or with her. Then she comes back to D.C.

All of a sudden, at a dinner with the President, she starts telling a story about her family. She forgets where she is and begins speaking in her old dialect with her old street slang.

People judge people by their speech. And people don’t use slang in the political halls of our government because of it. Bringing out her old habitual speech could have serious credibility consequences since the public must trust her and some of that public equates her speech with her ability to lead. Her constituents might lose trust in her; and political peers might judge her unworthy of her post.

Fortunately, if someone has become a U.S. Senator, she will have a strong foundation in having learned how to speak and know what to speak in front of whom. But the old speech is there like all our old habits.

5) Forget to enjoy the idea of the new action that led to the new habit which is what helped us conjure the power to change.

This does not apply at the beginning of the habit change process. For as long as it takes, we are learning a new set of behaviors, and enjoyment is important but second to doing the behavior without intellectualization.

The ONLY thing that is relevant is doing the new action. Nothing else.

Once we have accomplished doing the new action and have a routine going that includes the new behavior, we can rejoice in the fact that we have begun to change the habit and that we had the power to start. If we forget to be joyful which includes acknowledging ourselves for changing, we are missing out on the joy that can sustain the new behavior.

CONCLUSION

These 5 mistakes create powerful action steps from which to learn. They are simple ideas that, when executed, have much power, much wisdom and many success statistics.

Here are the steps:

ACTION STEPS – THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF HABIT CHANGE

1) Focus on one habit at a time!

2) Picture the first step in front of you now! When accomplished, picture the first step in front of you now!

3) Commit to change your habit for only the moment you have an urge or for an hour after it or for a day. Any longer is too overwhelming.

4) Continue doing the action that changed your habit, even if it doesn’t seem as if you need it.

5) Enjoy the idea that we have made the change (further on down the process).
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____________________________________________________________________
FEEDBACK

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has seen the same mistakes over and over when people change habits or make the attempt. She says,

“We can learn as much from our mistakes as from our successes. We may even learn more because we are acutely aware of our falling short of our goals and pay attention so that we can strive to reach them.

“We are fortunate to be able to learn from others’ shortcomings. All living things do. Because we have an emotional and ego-driven minds, it is not as easy for us to take the errors of others as gospel. We are often blinded by egos, unlike our animal friends. If they are blinded, it is usually by the need to survive.

“Let us turn these five mistakes of habit change into action steps. Each one has the potential to make the ultimate difference in the outcome of our goal for habit change.”

DEMYSTIFYING TRADITIONAL CHINESE MEDICINE (ISSUE 95)

By Diane Gold

Tradition Chinese Medicine needs to be demystified in the United States. Through my years of being around both Western and Eastern Medicine as a music therapist and tai chi mentor and school owner, I have seen lots of confusion when it comes to understanding Eastern Medicine. My purpose is to bring people closer understanding Traditional Chinese Medicine so it can be used with confidence.

 

My interview demystifies. It is with Doctor of Oriental Medicine, George Love, licensed as a primary care physician in the State of Florida since 1986. He has extensive background in acupuncture, massage, herbology and nutrition. Parts of the interview are in dialogue, other parts in narrative.

DIANE

Can you talk about people’s perception of Chinese Medicine when they really don’t know anything about it. What do you think people see and how can we bring people closer to it?

GEORGE

Number one, it’s called attitude, perception and perspective. We grow up thinking everything American is great and wonderful, and the rest of the world doesn’t know anything. And obviously that’s not the case.

Number two is that anything we don’t understand immediately upon hearing it cannot be good.

And number three, our perspective, is that we live in a country where A follows B, and everything is linear thought.

ATTITUDE

America is a very young country; we don’t know much. Therefore, we have to look at ancient cultures and what worked for them and try to adapt the ancient …

PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE
     … we look at acupuncture, and we perceive that acupuncture is Chinese Medicine. Acupuncture is only one tool in a tool kit that contains at least 14 different tools. The number one tool is the understanding that blood and energy flow together. … The reason people get sick is that blood and chi become stuck or stagnant.

If we look at arthritis or pain or any muscular pain or any digestive pain or any respiratory distress, the blood and the chi are stagnant; they don’t flow. The purpose of Chinese Medicine is to move chi and to move blood. The purpose of chi kung and tai chi is to move chi and to move blood. So, therefore, tai chi and chi kung are actually part of Chinese Medicine.

DIANE

Can you differentiate … between moving chi and moving blood?

GEORGE

Chi moves the blood, and the blood pumps the heart.

DIANE

OK. Great.

People are in the habit of going toward what they’ve heard of, what they know and what other people have told them, social proof. If we’ve been around Chinese Medicine, then we think it’s normal. If we’ve been around only Western Medicine, very often, we don’t understand Chinese Medicine. And we shy away from it thinking we know what it is.

DEMYSTIFYING CHINESE MEDICINE: THE PROCESS

When you’re short of breath, you know when you’re short of breath. (George pants and says,)

“I’m short of breath.”

If you run across the street really fast or … you … run up a flight of stairs really fast, you know you’re short of breath.

If you see somebody sitting in a chair and they’re slumped over, you say,

“Hey, what’s wrong with you? You don’t feel well?”

Or if you see somebody sitting on the edge of their chair, their back is straight and they’re smiling; you say,

“Wow, what’s going on with you? You look really energetic.”

So, it is literally visible if somebody’s chi is strong or weak.

DIAGNOSIS

HOW WE GET SICK: THE CAUSES

So what we want to know is why do people get sick, how do we get sick, and how do we get well?

So, how do we get sick? TRAUMA, INSUFFICIENCY, TOXICITY.

TRAUMA

 

Either you have a car accident, you fall down the steps, you fall out of a tree, you get run over by a car, whatever that trauma is.

 

There’s also emotional trauma. So your emotional trauma is abandonment, rejection, betrayal and abuse. Your emotional trauma is anger, avoidance and addiction. Your emotional trauma is your victim story.

TOXICITY

Now we have toxicity from overeating the wrong foods, eating the bad foods or getting an infection.

INSUFFICIENCY

Insufficiency would be not enough love, not enough laughter, not enough relaxation, not enough exercise, not enough water. That would be insufficiency.

DIANE

This sounds very, very simple and something I can understand.

 

HOW TO GET WELL

GEORGE

So, this is our framework. These are our tools that we need to look at how we get sick.

How do we get well? You reverse the trauma.
Reverse The Trauma

PARTIAL LIST OF TOOLS OF CHINESE MEDICINE

GEORGE

That [which what would reverse the trauma] would be massage, … acupuncture, … physical therapy, … yoga, … chi kung, … tai chi. So there’s any number of tools at your disposal to reverse trauma. Breathing, meditation, internal exercise.

TOXICITY

So toxicity, well, we want to detoxify the blood.
So [for] inflammation or infection, you want to take herbs, or you want to a juice fast, juice feast.

You want to restrict  caloric intake. You want to take herbs that purify the blood or cool the blood. And that’s how we reverse toxicity.

INSUFFICIENCY

And, insufficiency, you want to eat super foods. You want to take herbs that give you energy. And chi kung or tai chi would be appropriate also for insufficiency.

THE REST OF THE LIST OF  TOOLS OF CHINESE MEDICINE

What we call Chinese Medicine, they (the Chinese) call meridian therapy. There’s breathing, there’s meditation, there’s internal exercise, there’s food, there’s herbs. Then there is heat, pressure, sound, magnets, electricity, red light, laser light, suction, scraping, and, oh, by the way, we’ve got an acupuncture pin, also.

In the west, our perception is that acupuncture is Chinese Medicine.

 

DIANE

Absolutely right. And many people don’t even know the word acupuncture…
To understand that there are all these other therapies that are Chinese Medicine is very interesting. And, it makes people understand how Chinese Medicine came about. Because not everybody needed a pin, and some people needed a pin. And there were so many other ways to move the blood and the chi. And these are the ways of the Traditional Chinese Medicine.     Traditional Chinese Medicine Caduceus

THE DIAGNOSTIC GRID

NARRATIVE

I ask George to complete the diagnostic grid and talk about the categories that make up the diagnostic grid.

GEORGE

OK, we have the emotional, physical, nutritional and energetic. That’s gonna be the rows on the left.
And then your columns are going to be trauma, toxicity and insufficiency.

DIANE

So when I asked you how you diagnose, you said to me,

“You ask why is someone here, or why do you have pain or who is giving you pain.”

I thought that was rather telling …

GEORGE

WHO is the pain in your neck?

DIANE

It’s very true. Pain can be emotional pain and can be caused by a particular being.
So what we talked about today seems like very [systematic] medicine. It doesn’t involve putting someone on a particular medicine and keeping them there without looking at other factors.

NARRATIVE

Traditional Chinese Medicine is integrative. It makes me smile that there is a fairly new Western Medicine specialty: Integrative Medicine. It seems like a bridge to join medicine from the East and medicine from the West.

CONCLUSION

We now have a transparent way of looking at Traditional Chinese Medicine. It is not a mystery any longer. Our interview guest, Doctor Of Oriental Medicine has demystified it. He has talked about how to diagnose by asking, not only why you are there, but who is giving you pain. He mentioned how many tools there are in the arsenal of Chinese Medicine.

We wanted to show how medicine is profound and vast. The connection between Western and Eastern Medicine is the fact that people do want to heal. The person who goes into the field of medicine wants to heal. Sometimes, as in any area, people can get distracted by money, power, fame, opportunity.

It’s all about balance. balancing the finding of a cure with the money expended for drug research or balancing one’s emotional life with work and family.

The information we have offered has certainly demystified Traditional Chinese Medicine. We hope it has helped to outline its backbone in a way such that its systematic approach is easier to see, easier to validate and friendlier to use.

ACTION STEPS

Here are some action steps that may be useful. They are simple techniques that can be achieved with little effort.

1) Consider what you have and rejoice.

2) Pick one thing out that you lack, even if you have some but not enough. George mentioned love, laughter, relaxation, exercise, water, for starters. You might also include music, health, creativity, skill, talent as your item of which you want more.

3) Add this item to your life. If it something like water, drink more (and be thankful for our water supply). For laughter, make sure to laugh at least one time a day more than you do now by reading a joke or looking at a comical photo. It’s up to you as to what you choose. If you need more love, give it to yourself. Go to the local library or cafe and just say hello to someone. Contact usually changes perspective and, often, strikes up interesting communication. Or go make a friend by listening to music in the park.     Massage For Relaxation

TIP

If you have any doubts about the action steps, go watch this: 21 Second Motivational Video.
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FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She is fascinated by any method that can achieve personal development success. She also loves clearing up misconceptions. She says,

“Medicine is a systematic approach to healing, no matter which approach is taken.

“The discussion of Traditional Chinese Medicine in this article gives an excellent overview of what is its scope, how diagnosis is approached and the vast number of techniques in the tool kit. I am excited with the information provided from the interview and am hopeful it will be helpful in the quest for healing.”

CAN GUT MICROBES HELP WITH WEIGHT LOSS? (ISSUE 94)

By Diane Gold

There is extremely specific evidence that gut microbes have something to do with weight loss or gain. Much research is in process, and a new, amazing breakthrough has just been published.

THE STUDY

On September 5, a new study came out in the journal, Science, where germ-free mice were colonized with gut microbes (called “microbiota” in the study itself) from four pair of human twins. Each pair of twin donors contained one obese and one thin human. The recipients of the fecal matter were sterile mice who had no gut microbes until they were exposed to the human microbes.

Those mice who received the transplanted material from the obese twin became obese. The mice who received the transplanted material from the thin twin became thin. The mice were genetically identical so as to rule out genetic differences.

So far, this research, in its early stages, shows much promise. Not only did it show that the obese donors’ gut matter with controlled diet affected the recipient mice to get obese and vice versa. A big conclusion came out of this: it might be possible to change out microorganisms in an obese person’s gut so that the new microbes could promote thinness rather than obesity.

The researchers fed the mice a low-fat diet, which regular mouse food is. The microbes from the lean twin took over the gut of a mouse that already had microbes from the obese twin. The overweight mouse started to lose weight. The microbes from the overweight twin did not take over in a mouse that was thin.

 

NEXT STEP

Dr. Jeffrey I. Gordon, the senior researcher on the study, from Washington University in St. Louis, called the collection of microbes the “Battle of the Microbiota.” This is what happened.

After the transplants, the mice from each set of microbes, both obese and thin, were put together in the same cage. Mice typically eat each other’s dropping. So both sets of gut microbes were shared, and the mice with obese donor microbes started converting to the microbes from the mice from thin donors. There were sterile mice also introduced into the cages to see which microbes would appear in the gut of the sterile mice. The thin microbes seemed to take over.

One of the research colleagues, Vanessa K. Ridaura came up with the idea of creating two different diets for the mice, based on a national survey of what Americans eat: a high-fat diet with saturated fats and a low-fat diet with the most fruits and vegetables diet. The researchers created mouse pellets of two compositions to reflect these two types of diets. What they found was the mice who were overweight and received food high in fat, low in fruits and vegetables, stayed overweight and kept the gut microbes from their obese human. The thin twin’s gut microbes took over only when the mice were fed the food rich in fruits and vegetables and low in fat.

This study parallels the science that shows how low fat and high fruits and veggies are good for you.

FUTURE WORK

Dr. Gordon has said he wants to search out which particular microbes are responsible for the effect on obesity and leanness so that, eventually, people can be given microbes instead of fecal matter. A gastroenterologist, not part of the study, Dr. Alexander Khoruts, University of Minnesota, mentions how this isolating “the” microbe could take decades. He mentions that it would be a lot quicker to try fecal transplants.
To date, just under 500 fecal transplants have been reported for very aggressive clostridium difficile infection with successful results in over 90% of the cases. For obesity therapy, the prospects are hopeful. It seems like the simplest, least expensive, least invasive therapy to date.

NOMENCLATURE

When the study came out two days ago, the New York Times, the paper whose Sunday crossword puzzle my mother could get through without much effort, writer Gina Kolata, used the words “Gut Bacteria” in the headline. Enjoying using the right language, I started this mad dash to check what to call the microbes in our intestine (did you know these biological helpers are also in our conjunctiva [the eyelid inner skin], on and under our skin and in the mucous membrane [in the mouth, nose, gut]?), and I wondered whether this study used bacteria exclusively. Now I know it was a combination of whatever was in the stool.

I kept seeing the words “gut flora” in the brilliant encapsulation with the same title in Wikipedia, also in the L.A. Times’ rendition of the study which was published on the same day and in various other publications. I was confused because I had always used the words that distinguish plants from animals, flora from fauna, by thinking of Bambi, the fawn. Faun, get it? So, to my knowledge, flora was plant matter.

It turns out the words “gut flora” when speaking about our intestinal microorganisms is used although it is phasing out to the correct microbiota, “biota” pertaining to the diverse collection of “micro” or tiny organisms. Flora was probably begun to differentiate the microbes from the exclusive word “bacteria” which would leave out fungi and archaea, other microbes that live in the gut and help us thrive. The New York Times article used the limiting word, “bacteria,” in this article.

CONCLUSION

We are influenced heavily by what we eat. Now we have more proof than we used to that gut microbes have influence on the proteins produced and the processes that contribute to our weight and our appetite. It is important to be thoughtful of what the food we eat does to support or inhibit our bodies and to make changes accordingly.

Here are a few easy steps we might take to protect our gut microbes. Imagine if weight loss were only a matter of balancing our gut microbes, as may be. It seems correct since these microorganisms have so many productive jobs to keep our body functions optimal.

ACTION STEPS

 

1)   Make more than half the food you eat fruits and vegetables.

2)   Experiment with ingredients in a salad or vegan nori rolls, so quick and nutritious.

 

 

3)   Do a few seconds of abdomen circles every day to assist with digestive flow.

 

 

 

4)   Notice how food affects your body, and be good to it. Your bathroom visits will be regular and smell mild if the body appreciates the way you eat. The more vegetables, the better. They nourish and cleanse.

5)   Consider making one new food choice, and commit to it for a week. If you do not feel better or if you get bored, let it go, and make another food improvement. If you do feel better, continue it for another two weeks. If you still feel good, keep the change.

EPILOGUE

These steps are the beginning of changing any habit so that your gut microorganisms can make you strong and healthy. Time will tell about how powerful are the findings in the above scientific breakthrough study.

Wouldn’t it be tremendous if this non-debilitating method of achieving better health could be made available to all who need it!

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FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She looks for the latest research techniques that can help people curb cravings.  There are so many keys to health that are right in front of us. She says,

“The current science about our own microorganisms in our gastrointestinal tract is vast and growing. It makes sense to me that we can use this micro eco system within ourselves for balance. I hadn’t considered that we could offer each other our good microbes for health, but it’s so logical.

“The ease with which this therapy could help people all over the world is remarkable. I am very excited and await more gut microbe news.”

THE BENEFITS OF FORGIVENESS AND REVENGE (ISSUE 93)

By Diane Gold

We hear the words “benefits of forgiveness,” and we feel all mushy and tingly inside, feeling good about our ability to be good, moral people. When we hear the words “benefits of revenge,” most of us question whether there are any. The feeling of wanting to get back at someone who has hurt us is a natural, human reaction, according to evolutionary biologists, Martin Daly and Margo Wilson, whose research led them to study 60 societies and whether each had the words “blood feud” or “capital punishment” in evidence (as per Michael McCullough’s article, referenced below). 57 out of 60 did.

According to Michael E. McCullough, researcher at University of California, Berkeley, who wrote the article “The Forgiveness Instinct” in Spring, 2008, forgiveness is also a natural, human. He says,

“My research on forgiveness has led me to this unsettling conclusion: The desire for revenge isn’t a disease that afflicts a few unfortunate people; rather it’s a universal trait of human nature, crafted by natural selection, that exists today because it helped our ancestors adapt to their environment.

Since we, as humans, are social; we have developed a code of mores that define what is and is not acceptable reaction to various actions. We have laws that help regulate our actions, as well.

It might seem that forgiveness is an impossible task were it not for the threads of hope that make us human and make us change makers. We are all daughters; we are all sons. We, as parents, have the duty to educate and protect. When someone does something wrong, it is our duty to teach a better way.

But, oh, we are so complex.

As per Martin and Margo,

“Morality is the device of an animal of exceptional cognitive complexity, pursuing its interests in an extremely complex universe.”

What I get is that because of our complexity, we have the ability to choose how to deal with our innate forgiveness and revenge mechanisms.

It’s almost but not impossible to temper our lust for that joyous fire of revenge on auto-pilot. In modern-day society, it is often not a good choice to act on our revenge, other than to experience that momentary rush of personal power. And it’s always a good thing to reveal our forgiveness.

Animals act to survive. Sometimes, we perform a vengeful act to feel satiated, even if we know the act is not necessary and is hurtful. Is our fancy of hate and revenge so important, even if it doesn’t help our circumstance and although it is damaging?

I am not speaking about the need to retaliate in order to preserve our lives or our way of life, no. I am questioning “an eye for an eye” without good reason. I was raised in the “make love, not war” era which developed in response to the loss of international life in an era of war in Vietnam. Eye For An Eye Imbalance

CULTIVATION OF FORGIVENESS

I know that forgiveness trumps revenge (when it’s not about survival). I also know that educating new ways to respond to hurtful deeds needs to be a more common option. It is always more courageous to put out a hand of forgiveness, especially if we have done so one minute ago and been scorned. Always one more attempt at a peace offering is the way to educate and cultivate forgiveness.

CONCLUSION

We have talked about intrinsic traits of our humanity: forgiveness and revenge. With repetition, we can choose how to act. We don’t go around clobbering people who hurt us; we turn toward our laws. We sometimes choose to talk to our attacker about the behavior and its effect on us. We also may choose to educate her. The education process is one of the hardest since, despite our efforts and our honesty, the aggressor who has hurt us may show no remorse and may spit in our face.

It’s so much easier to be charitable to someone who regrets her act, much more difficult to be magnanimous toward someone who laughs at our pain and is happy about causing it. Having the capacity of grace in this instance shows our choice to build meaningful lives. We can walk away, keeping our anger in; we can be confrontational and let our anger out; we can peacefully talk through our anger; we can train ourselves in forgiveness. As recycling cartoon character, Captain Planet, used to say,

 

 

“The power is yours.”

 

 

 

Here are some actions that can benefit us. The actions are a process toward becoming more evolved beings. As with all changing habits, we need to repeat the steps in order for them to take effect.

IMPORTANT NOTE

We are going to treat revenge as an addictive chemical substance, one that does not benefit our life or the lives of the community, as if we are addicted to it and are replacing the habit with forgiveness. Yes, we can keep in mind that standing our ground or defending what is ours can protect the survival of our kind and our community. But peaceful alternatives are always a better option.

The lines are not so far apart between taking vengeful action and defending our home. And the lines blur easily. Should we repeatedly act with kindness in our heart, we will see the benefits of forgiveness. We easily can make the better choice and be better equipped to know when we act from bruised ego or from the need to protect our way of life, with work, will and focus.

ACTION STEPS

1) Look for your vengeful feelings, and recognize them as soon as they appear. Applaud this recognition.

2) Reach out immediately and tell someone of your vengeful thought or act. It is not important that most human beings are wired to feel vindictive. It does matter that humans temper their spirit.

3) If appropriate, tell the person who wronged you what s/he did in calm, kind words and how it made you feel. Discuss another option that would have been better for you.

4) Look for the times you have feelings of forgiveness, and recognize them as soon as they appear each time. Be happy, and see how to replace revenge with this forgiveness.

5) Pick one special activity to do when you feel the revenge bug coming on such as dance for a few minutes, jump rope for one minute or call a friend. It must be pre-planned in order to be ready for the moment of decision, to make it useful. This preparation avoids stomach ulcers and regret.

6) Go take the Forgiveness Quiz, based upon Michael McCullough and colleagues’ research scale:

The Forgiveness Quiz

7) Come back to comment at:

http://warriorsofweight.com/the-benefits-of-forgiveness-and-revenge.

Think of all the ways in which we have learned to control ourselves. We can make revenge one of those ways. Think of all the good that comes from forgiveness. We can consciously pump it up.

Let’s get started now.

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FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

As of late and because of the climate of our world, she has been looking at whether environment or nature is the cause of forgiveness and revenge. She says,

“It would be easy to say we could work on our behavior and then, in generations, if we gave good example and showed forgiveness and not revenge, the latter would go away.

“No! It’s in us for survival reasons. As humans with high thought process, we CAN realize when revenge is for survival and when it’s only for ego. We can temper ourselves. That’s why I equate forgiveness and revenge with any habit of substance, emotion, gambling or ice cream; it will always be there, but doesn’t always require an action.

“We have choices, and, because of our “exceptional cognitive complexity,” we can make great ones. Let us all team together to step toward enhancing our forgiveness in substitution for our revenge, when possible.

“We’re all connected, so let each of us take part in working the benefits of forgiveness and revenge.”