THE HABIT OF FORGIVENESS: HOW TO FORGIVE WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE, 7 WAYS (ISSUE 109)

By Diane Gold

“Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you.”

This quote is associated with  Lewis B. Smedes, author of The Art Of Forgiving. It is also associated with Corrie ten Boom, author and Dutch protector of Jews and resistance workers during World War II. When Corrie, who was imprisoned for hiding Jews and those who didn’t support the Nazi way, came face to face with one of her captors, she walked the walk of forgiveness. She and one of her former concentration camp guards came face to face. They held hands, and she forgave his acts, according to review of her book, which mentions that, in her experience, those who are able to forgive are best able to rebuild their lives.

Forgiveness author, Smedes, quotes,

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

This is the way habit change works. We don’t get rid of it; we replace it with a new action and reward.

THE CUE

All of us have experienced hurt, whether it is a small trauma in our lives or an unspeakable wound that is life changing. We always attach the event to a person or people involved. If that person or group had not hurt us, we would not be hurt.

Being hurt is the cue that triggers our action.

THE ACTION

In many cases, we are led to defensive behavior. For small infractions in our lives, we may cry, stomp our feet or laugh it off. For larger, more devastating experiences, we may go to a support person or group. Whatever action we take leads to a reward of some kind.

THE REWARD

The reward we experience from crying is relief from the outlet. Same with stomping our feet. These behaviors help us cope. We may have a moment of patting ourselves on the head through crying or foot stomping. When we laugh something off, we are experiencing the joy of living and being able to deal well with discomfort. Not always possible.

For larger events, being supported by others leads to being able to cope with a situation. Coping is our reward.

ACTION AFTER TRIVIAL HURT

Here’s a good place to mention that trivia is in the eyes of the beholder. If we think we have been wronged, then we act in a way to get comfort. What is trivial to you may be traumatic to me.

I am reminded of one of my neighbors who often holds on to the spats she has with local merchants. When she feels violated by the merchant, her action is to talk about the experience at length and to announce that she will no longer patronize the merchant. This leads her to her reward, getting recognition for her plight and for personal grandeur.

With any trivial hurt, people act timidly, angrily or in a tempered manner.

ACTION AFTER IMMEASURABLE HURT

Once we are hurt in a life changing way, we still act timidly, angrily or in a tempered manner. We probably reach out for support which brings us the reward of lessening the pain.

UNDERLYING OUR HURT

As we all know, we feel more than one thing at once, such as anger and vulnerability or happiness and confidence. Next to these emotions, we place responsibility for our being hurt on someone; often we put it on ourselves. Other times, we put it on the person or group who created the hurtful situation.

When this underlying responsibility lingers, and it usually does, we are blaming someone. This is part of the reward phase when we blame others. It helps us cope. It is reverse reward when we blame ourselves.

Either way, that’s where developing the habit of forgiveness comes in.

DEVELOPING THE HABIT OF FORGIVENESS

There are 3 scenarios when we were hurt:

1) it was our fault.

2) it was someone else’s fault.

3) it was no one’s fault.

In the first 2 scenarios, the forgiveness habit can move mountains. People do religious rituals, go to forgiveness classes, go to support sessions, read forgiveness books, all in order to learn to forgive. These avenues are fabulous. Every one of them develops a new pattern of action when we feel hurt, just like the way we develop or change any other habit. And just like with any other habit, we have to replace the old habit for the new one to be currently accessible.

WHY FORGIVENESS?
The reason it’s so important to forgive is because blame eats us up. We may think that if we mortally hurt the responsible person, we will be healed. This is one of our baser instincts that is worth looking at. It’s not legal to wound someone, so it’s not a solution. It’s not moral to wound someone. It’s not wise to stoop to the bad behaviors of others. This is where forgiveness comes in.

HOW TO FORGIVE?

How to forgive? We must develop it.

People have always thought of me as a forgiving and understanding person. They have not seen me in the face of being assaulted, having family members hurt, being cheated out of money, having a car accident because of a drunk driver. Fortunately for me and mine, I have not had to experience all of these atrocities, although some have crossed my path. I don’t feel cool, calm and collected when I am hurt. But, I do have certain methods of dealing with forgiveness that I will share.

When people lash out and hurt us, they are insecure, self-absorbed, immature, impatient, fearful and hurt from a broken heart. They have become this way because someone has taken a part of their life, and they have not been able to forgive it. Do they always know it? No. In the odd cases where this is not the case, the individual is usually broken in some other way.

Every time we get hurt, we must look at how ethical we have become, how much we have grown as humans. Even if we have had a bad day every day of our lives, someone has had it worse. If we have 4 limbs, we’re ahead. If we went to school, we’re ahead. If we have a toilet, running water and have seen a doctor, we’re ahead.
Just because others are in worse shape is not going to develop forgiveness in us. However, this concept can prepare us for new action.

The hardest thing to forgive is when someone hurts our child. It is unthinkable that we could ever forgive this. Deep hurt might be 50 years old, and we still sit with it. Does it help if we sit in anger, torment and vengeful scheming? No. We are probably shortening our lives. And, yes, this feels like the right thing to be doing. Because we have let this behavior develop.

WHAT IF?

Here are some action steps that may lead us to begin the path of forgiveness. It is not impossible, no matter what it feels like. It’s like any other habit that requires a starting point and constant repetition. In the spirit of any holiday that may have to do with forgiveness, these action steps may be surprisingly useful.

ACTION STEPS

These steps are based upon our tendency to forgive someone who shows remorse. Even though the person who hurt us may not show it, and this lack of it can conjure feelings of revenge in each of us, these steps take us one step back in the life of the hurter who is still acting out revenge from the day she was hurt, in the first place. So the remorse is the acting out.

There is no justification for hurt; the explanation of why, though, helps us to forgive.

1)   When someone hurts you or your family member, think of the person as an abused child. Even if it is not specifically the case, in some way, it very definitely is the case. Take that thought action immediately. It will calm you down and allow you to help yourself forgive a person like that. Realize that you would make allowances for a child who had been hurt in such a manner.

Or

2)   When someone hurts you or your family member, think of the person as the victim of someone who stole her limb at an early age. Even if it is not specifically the case, in some way, it very definitely is the case. Take that thought action immediately. It will calm you down and allow you to help yourself forgive a person like that. Realize that you would make allowances for a child who had been hurt in such a manner.

Or

3)   When someone hurts you or your family member, realize that the person feels as small as a small crawling insect. Otherwise, the person would not take liberties with someone else’s life. It is not too difficult to forgive someone like this, especially someone who may have been made to feel this way all her life.

Or

4)   When someone hurts you or your family member, picture the hurter as having just experienced the same, exact hurt. Think of how surprised this person must have been and consider that it’s your responsibility to act well.

And

5)   When someone hurts you or your family member, join a group of people who have also experienced the same hurt. Type in your type of hurt followed by the word group in your favorite search engine or card catalog. Many groups await you.

And

6)   When someone hurts you or your family member, watch this trailer and decide if you want to watch the movie. It depicts The Parents Circle Families Forum’s group of bereaved Palestinians and Israelis, all of whom had a family member killed by the other side. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzJkBxQC4Tg

And

7)   When someone hurts you or your family member, realize that every negative thought or action we have or take creates negativity for the world. Likewise, every positive thought or action we have or take impacts the world in a positive manner. Consider choosing the positive road in the name of those who were hurt (including yourself) for the sake of the evolution of morality.

CONCLUSION

I believe that we are all one, that all energy falls into one big vat with all the positive and all the negative thoughts, emotions, actions. Therefore, the more goodness we bring, the more goodness there will be. Forgiveness is part of this pot. The more we contribute to it, the richer and more beautiful our civilization will become.

Happy Forgiveness Season. May we develop the habit of forgiveness and be the shining examples we all need.

FEEDBACK

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She believes we can develop forgiveness. It is one of the hardest habits to develop. She says,

“We don’t let go when someone hurts or our family. But that is commonly because we see the hurter as different from who we are and forget what makes most people hurt: being hurt. In looking at ways to forgiveness, we can go back to the life of the one who hurt us and realize the pain that is being acted out now.

“We are civilized and have will power. We were also raised with some sense of morality. With these traits, we have a chance at forgiveness. It may not happen overnight. I know it didn’t for me. But pre-planning and repetition will make it happen. And then, we will be free.”

BEST AB EXERCISE IN 30 SECONDS OR LESS (ISSUE 107)

By Diane Gold

Best ab exercise in 30 seconds is so simple, protects the back, is adjustable based on fitness level and can be done by almost anyone. It doesn’t take equipment or getting in shape to do it. It’s sexy for trainers, gym buffs or never-work-out-ers. And it’s practical.

THE REASON FOR THE BEST AB EXERCISE

The reason I’m giving it away is simple and timely. Here’s the story.

I saw a photo and exercise routine one of my (actual) friend’s shared on a social networking site. My friend is an avid athlete and 30-year yogi, which means she is strong and fit. She communicates with many people who are also strong and fit.  So when she shared a plank photo and instructions for a plank exercise, starting with 20 seconds per day, she was probably directing it to the fit crowd. I immediately responded to her post with an EXTREME CAUTION comment because…

A plank is a stationary exercise where we maintain a flat horizontal position, emulating a piece of plywood, holding ourselves off the floor using our abdominal muscles. If we have abs from regular correctly executed workout, whether in martial arts, swimming, gym-ing or dancing; this exercise may be a wonderful treat.

BACK INJURY

Most people are attracted to an interesting workout photo that gets passed around. What was missing, and I’m not pointing fingers, was a super big warning sign. Having owned an active martial arts school for over 15 years, I have heard many stories about injury due to improper workout. I have helped show many a newbie student why proper alignment is everything and that haste can cost precious training time as we heal from beginner, didn’t-follow-directions injuries.

It is extremely easy to hurt the back doing the plank exercise, even though it is a wonderful technique if we have the abs for it. It’s whether or not they are strong enough to hold our entire body upon command. And that is what today’s exercise is about.     Back Injury

YOGA AND TAI CHI

Any time extreme fitness is done, injuries abound. That includes yoga, even though it is a spiritual non-martial art. Typically, it’s because people are holding one position. If they have been taught proper alignment, they have a great chance of never being injured. Without it, many injuries occur. In 2010, the Consumer Product’s Safety Commission reported 7,369 yoga injuries. Many of them were back injuries.

Let’s state here that most of the time, experienced teachers in any discipline who understand movement will make certain to teach basics before any aggressive movement exposes the student to harm. There are many inexperienced teachers out there in every discipline, and they don’t understand the importance and the essence of basic training. They also may minimize safety as a priority.

I just read an Indian newspaper that said that tai chi is taking over yoga. I’m not sure on what it’s based or how valid it is. I do know, from having taught tai chi for over 15 years, that tai chi is a non-rigid, flowing way. Each movement, like time-lapse photography, is always new as we, the creator of the movement, are always changing. This liquid movement and traditional dedication to basics are two reasons tai chi is known to be safe with few injuries.

EFFICIENCY AND SIT-UPS

Most of us want efficiency and want the shortest road toward what we consider perfection that we can take. That means we would like to bypass any frills and get right to the real work. Yet, some exercises, worldwide, put, at least, 50% fluff in them.

Take the sit up. Most people know the sit up to involve 90 degrees of movement: from a sitting up position to a lying down position. Wrong! Ehhhhhhhnnng! Unnecessary.

Much of the 90-degree sit-up is wasted time and energy, hurts the back and doesn’t do what we want it to do. And, it’s so stressful that we stop doing sit ups shortly after we begin because we don’t love them or we are already feeling twinges in our back or side. Soooooooo many people injure themselves with sit-ups because the exercise is designed to strengthen the abs without protection for the back.

So, what’s the answer?

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS?

I was so moved by seeing the plank exercise without any qualifying comments and by knowing how harmful it can be to the unsuspecting newcomer or restarter that I was moved to reveal this one simple secret that protects the back, is quite adjustable to people who are just starting out and can be challenging to advanced movers and shakers.

You know the warning labels on new equipment that says,

“Don’t try this at home, folks?”

I really wanted to say that, then ease into why the plank exercise can be dangerous if not done properly. Since most people don’t understand that the strong abdominal plate (the core) allows us to hold our back in a plank-like position, the caution lights would be appropriate on this plank exercise.

BEST AB EXERCISE IN 30 SECONDS OR LESS

Instead, here’s the best ab exercise in 30 seconds or less. It is designed for safety and effectiveness. If you need a towel under your coccyx or want a towel or mat, do it! The harder the surface, the better, though.

1)   Lie down on the floor with knees raised at shoulder width apart, feet flat on the floor.

2)   Place the arms across the chest, elbows flat on the body. This will protect the back from strain.

3)   Adjust the legs so that the distance between the knees and the belly button is the same or more than the distance between the knees and the toes.

4)   Press the lower back into the floor from the belly button/abs region throughout the exercise. This will protect your back from curving the wrong way or straining.

Now comes the adjustable part.

5)   Keeping the spine as straight as possible with the back pressed against the floor, lift the shoulders a comfortable amount off the floor.

6)   Breathing normally through the nose, hold the position for a comfortable amount of time.
   a)   If 10 seconds works, immediately lower the shoulders at 10 seconds and stay with back pressing into ground in rest position for 15 seconds.
b)   If 20 seconds works, immediately lower the shoulders at 20 seconds and stay with back pressed against the floor in rest position for 15 seconds.
    c)   If 30 seconds works, immediately lower the shoulders at 30 seconds and stay with back pressing into ground in rest position for 15 seconds.

FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS

7)   Do not do sets. Do it once, and you are finished for the day. Write down the amount of time you lifted the shoulders and repeat that amount of time for 6 more days.

8)   After the first week, you can increase the amount of time, if you wish, but you must maintain that increase for the rest of the week.

9)   Do not exceed 45 seconds for the first 21 days.

CONCLUSION

The important thing is following through with the best ab exercise on a daily or every-other-day basis. That’s why we don’t increase the reps on a regular basis or worry about how fancy the exercise is. Consistency is more important than duration. Getting started is more important than anything.

If you would like 1:1 discussion as you are doing this exercise, please contact us and include a phone number. If you are not certain why we have given a certain instruction, it is probably a safety feature, but feel free to ask.

ACTION STEPS

1)   Do the exercise for 7, 14 or 21 days, once a day, and tell us what it has done for you.

2)   Keep a written or digital record of your work.

3)   Pass this on to 1 other person, or, at least, the warning about the plank exercise, if nothing else.

4)   Take your time, following the directions. Proper alignment is worth it.

WORK WITH US

If you would like to set up a consult or ask a question about your situation, please go to our Contact Us page at http://warriorsofweight.com/contact-us. Even if you are confused about your situation, you are welcome to reach out here. Please include the best time to contact you.

FEEDBACK

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

Today’s essay is about the best ab exercise, but it really focuses on the importance of body alignment. She says,

“An exercise doesn’t have to be fancy to work. It has to be efficient. Any exercise can be easy if we are strong and if we pay attention to alignment details. Most people work from competition or some other ego-driven goal. Others work to get to know themselves.

“Whatever our objective, the instructions in this piece will save a lot of wasted energy and serve us well.

“Once we are familiar with how to do the technique, it can become part of our everyday routine. Because it’s an adjustable exercise, it can stay with us throughout  our lives. May it be fun and keep us healthful!”

ARE YOU AN ENABLER, CODEPENDENT ON A USER? THE 10 MOST COMMON REASONS  (ISSUE 105)

By Diane Gold

Are you an enabler? Are you in love with or  do you love someone who is in love with substance whom you help get it?

Let’s look at the term “enabler” and give it a definition so that we are all using the same meaning.

According to the dictionary, an enabler is a person who makes something possible. In the habit sense, it is a person who assists a habitual behaviorist to get her reward from some negative behavior.

Many enablers don’t realize they are enabling. They are so wrapped up in another person who is wrapped up in indulging behavior that they don’t see their behavior as a habit that is hurting them both. In fact, most enablers believe they are helping the other person, blind to the dependence that obvious to others.

Almost 10 years ago, for almost 10 years, I enabled the person with whom I lived. I used my money, my credit and my organizational skills to make sure he had his drugs, his alcohol, commercial property to conduct business and a nice place to live. In my case, it was a little convoluted because I was jealous of his using drugs and alcohol without me, so I used them when I saw his use. I was codependent with a touch of substance abuse.

One of my remedies was to go into the bedroom and lock the bedroom door and put the pillow over my head until I fell asleep. VERY DIFFICULT, but effectively removing me from that situation!
Personally, I was enabling this man to use drugs and alcohol to insure my own security. I was afraid to cut the money off and say,

“No more,”

since I was not willing to see the truth, that the man with whom I lived was interested in substance before me. What made it even harder was that we were business partners. And, if I stopped facilitating the business, I would be looking for a new career. I was afraid of that change, too.

A decade later, it’s easy to see now what my motives were then and the enabling behavior that went on, the excuses I made for this man’s violence that went along with my actual forgiving, “healer” nature.

Since that time, after removing myself from the situation, I can evaluate the many stories I hear about the difficulty in saying “no” because this response causes so much emotional pressure. I can relate, and I can suggest.

TOP 10 REASONS WE GIVE OURSELVES TO MAINTAIN THE ENABLER ROLE

Here are a list of things that go on in our head that keep us enabling. Do you recognize any?:

1) If I don’t give my loved one the money for her habit, she might get arrested or get shot,

2) If I don’t give my loved one a ride to her dealer’s house, she will walk at night in the bad neighborhood and might get raped,

3) If I don’t give my loved one money for her habit, she won’t love me,

4) If I tell my loved one she’s overweight or stop buying her the donuts and ice cream she loves, this will hurt her feelings; so I won’t say anything,

5) If I don’t give my loved one a ride when she calls for a ride at any hour, she might get arrested walking in the street and then raped in jail,

6) If I don’t let my loved one live at my house and she gets hurt or killed on the street, it’s my fault,

7) I’m married to her, so I have to pay for her habit. After all, “to love and to cherish, in good times and bad,”

8) If I don’t give my loved one money, she might leave me,

9) Even though I know my loved one is stealing money from me, I won’t say anything because she might hit me or hurt our child.

10) My loved one came to me and trusted me with her substance problem so I have to give her money for drugs because I can’t betray her trust.

BEING BRAVE

In the same way that some cultures send a young person out to prove adulthood, we must allow our loved ones to fend for themselves or work on themselves, or they will never prove themselves to themselves. If we want to save ourselves, we must, in turn, remove the magnetic pull they have on us and let go, if we are to find our own way.

Letting go doesn’t mean not see our loved one, necessarily, but it does mean take hold of our behavior and put down our enabler role. We must be massively brave and courageous to do it, since all sorts of emotions pull at us to enable and we can’t fathom not seeing our loved one.

In more cases than not, it may be necessary to limit the times we see our loved one while we are working on ourselves and the loved one is working on herself. Because we are adults, we don’t get supervised visits, but that may be what we need. It’s the same as when we are stopping abusing alcohol or drugs. Many of us have to avoid going places that serve alcohol or market drugs. We may, in the future, choose to be in places with alcohol, although we may choose never again to be in places that market drugs. Until we are more evolved in the process, and our habit is replaced with another, we may need to plan where not to go. I can vouch for the benefits of this separation!

CONCLUSION

Being an enabler can be borne out of wanting to help, which is a natural human feeling. It usually comes from some type of insecurity as does the craving behaviors, themselves. Many of us feel a calling to ease the pain of others. It goes too far when we get lost in someone else’s negative behavior to the point where we stop our own progress and hurt the person we are attempting to help.

We are not alone, and being codependent is not shameful. When we see our behavior clearly, we can change our habit and be happier.

ACTION STEPS, INSTEAD OF ENABLING

Here are some action steps we can take instead of continuing the codependent behaviors we usually do.

1) Keep no money in the house, so that, when asked, you can say you don’t have any money. This solution precedes the direct “no” response which you may have to work up to. This is a step of blind faith that you will survive saying “no.” I can vouch for it. You will survive it!

2) When your someone asks you to come with your car to get her at an inconvenient or inappropriate time, you can say you are sleeping and end the call. You know your person is safe, more or less, since you have just heard from her. Your person will find a way home.
The first time is the hardest because all those feelings of responsibility for harm come up. I can vouch for it. You can do it!

3) Seek a support group, either online which is immediate, or at a group location. It helps to listen to others in similar situations. Or confide in a support person, and say you have discovered you are an enabler. If it’s a friend, do not let the friend talk you out of your realization.  Here’s an interesting online option: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm

WORK WITH US

If you would like to set up a consult or ask a question about your situation, please go to our Contact Us page. Even if you are confused about your situation, you are welcome to reach out here. Please include the best time to contact you.

SUGGESTED READING

I do not prefer the 12-step program that is mentioned in the recommended article below. However, the eloquence with which this writer orates is reason enough to read the passage. Please start with the words,

“Over the last 28 years,”

if you wish to avoid another statement with which I take issue.

http://the12stepbuddhist.com/codependent-once-more/

FEEDBACK

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

A lot of her topics deal with personal development and self-evaluation and the fact that all habits take different shape. She says,

“One of the hardest habits to spot is that of being an enabler. All we know is that we have a loved one and that we want to heal the loved one. Enablers get so caught up in another person’s life that they forget that they cannot fix another person. Only we can fix ourselves.

“It takes courage to look in the mirror when that means admitting we might have a habit that needs replacing. Most of the time, we have a little voice on our shoulder that has told us something is not right. And most of the time, if we are lucky enough to be free, we can get some support to replace our old habit with a new one.

“In order to see ourselves, we usually have to step back. Then, we can follow some simple steps which are different from the old steps we took a moment ago. Being codependent is no one’s fault, and no one’s to blame for developing the enabler habit. If we see it in ourselves and really want to help our loved one, it might be time to replace it.”

HABITUAL BEHAVIOR DEVELOPS VALUABLE SKILLS: WANT TO REPLACE A HABIT? (ISSUE 104)

By Diane Gold

We all exhibit habitual behavior. We have developed valuable skills as a result of by the very nature of carrying out our habitual acts. We create an expertise in order to do what it takes to get our reward of choice; we repeat and complete and do it again. This prowess builds in us proficiencies which can translate into positive action in our home life, our work productivity and our own creative projects, even if our habitual behavior is not supportive of our own lives. When we choose to replace our habit with one that is positive to our lives, we already have lots of worthwhile skills to make the change and to accompany us on our journey. And when we have a new and healthy habit; the skills we have shaped will remain!

WHAT IS HABITUAL BEHAVIOR?

Let’s define habitual behavior as a pattern of action that follows an emotional and/or physical craving that leads to some type of internal intake or ingestion, tick, movement, series of actions, that takes place several times a day, once daily or several times a week, and that, when removed without replacement, causes psychic or physical reaction that can be severely painful. When we change the habit, we actively divert our own attention from the expectation of the old reward we couldn’t live without using the same skill set we created in developing the original habitual behavior; this is how we form a new one.

ACTION STEPS

1) Ask yourself if you have a habitual behavior. Only you will know the answer if you want it that way.

2) Ask, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being most supportive, how supportive this habit is for your life.

3) If your behavior is less than 7, consider changing to another one. (There are action steps and contacts below that can help do this.)

WHAT? I’M WORTHWHILE?

When we have a habitual behavior, it is fair to say we have established some strong core competencies in our lives that, if well directed, make us excellent commodities of financial, social, personal worth. Here are some worthwhile tools we have acquired:

we know how to obtain money for food, even if we spend it to our disadvantage to get the reward a negative habitual behavior;

we know how to obtain money for shelter, even if we spend it to our disadvantage to get the reward from a negative habitual behavior;

we have the personal freedom to consume, which means we are not under military confinement or in jail.

This means we are massively more fortunate than a great percentage of the rest of the world population. Of course, looking at others does our lives no good, since our habitual behavior may be consuming us. The steps below as well as the skills we have created will help us.

THE SKILLS

What is extremely important is the skill set we have acquired to meet the conditions of our habitual behavior. Many mirror the traits of very successful people whose habitual behavior is not a detriment to their lives:

we have courage as we, alone, are dealing with ourselves,

 we have ingenuity enough to have devised a way to live with our habitual behavior in our lives,

(remembering some not so uncommon ingenuity: Bobby M. had devised a lifestyle for himself around weather. He would steal saleable merchandise from cars to get drug money (which led to his reward feeling) from April to September and then get arrested and jailed from October to March. He was on the street attending to his habitual behavior for the warm weather and getting 3 square meals and adequate shelter, courtesy of the City of New York, in the cold weather.)

we have organization skills in order to get what we want,

we have timing so that we have the object of our habit as frequently as we need it,

we have focus so that we take the right actions to get what we want,

we have drive to get what we want,

we have diplomacy to get what we want,

we have conflict resolution experience from juggling and managing our habitual behavior.

These traits are a great foundation we have already built and mean that we do have something to offer on the other side should we decide to replace our habitual behavior. Many employers, organizations, friends, families value the characteristics in us we already possess.

ACTION STEPS TO CONVERT NEGATIVE HABITUAL BEHAVIOR INTO POSITIVE HABITUAL BEHAVIOR

In order to change a habit, we have to replace it. We do this by replacing the step we take to achieve our reward. In order to achieve this, we need take the same new step at the exact time we get our craving, our trigger, our cue, every time. This action will become familiar and will replace the old action, if we repeat it long enough, knowing it will become more manageable after the first month.

CAUTION

I’m not saying it gets easy. I am saying urges do get manageable and go away, in some of us, for long periods of time. The only requirement is BLIND REPETITION, not strength, not faith, not self-esteem, not friends, not psychological evaluation, not judging ourselves or others, only BLIND REPETITION.

THE ACTION STEPS

1) Immediately drink 1 full large glass of water. This means always have water with you, should you get a cue that previously triggered you to your old habitual behavior, when out in the world.

2) Take a minute out from whatever you are doing and listen to this song:

https://soundcloud.com/benladesh/ben-la-desh-why-dont-you.

Glue yourself to a chair and move the body to the beat for 1 or 2 minutes. Close your eyes, too. If you want to stand up and dance, do it after the first minute. After the first time you use this technique, go get a danceable song you can always take with you,  should you get a cue to consume when out in the world. Planning which song and how quickly you can get to it is the key.

And don’t say you can’t figure out a way to be excused from whatever you are doing for one minute. Think of all the manipulating ways you slipped away in the past to fulfill your previous rewards.

3) Call a friend or acquaintance to talk you through the urge, a friend who is prepared to take your call at any time, day or night. Drink a second glass of water while you are on the phone.

If you don’t have anyone you know who can be available for you – or you’re not comfortable asking – call 2-1-1 from your phone. This works in 90% of the United States. If 2-1-1 does not work, 1-800-552-1183 works from a touch-tone phone and for VoIP phones. 80 countries (including the European Union and Australia) use 112.

4) Immediately upon feeling your urge to act out your habitual behavior, go for a 5 minute run. If you don’t have the ability to go outside; go into the rest room, and run in place. If you are wearing heels, put down a few pieces of paper towel, take off your shoes and go, go, go. Time yourself.

5) Drink another glass of water after all these other activities. By this time, you should have diluted the urge to the point where you can manage it.

6) If your habitual behavior is not overeating, eat a meal immediately. To fulfill this one, it is always necessary to have some sort of meal with you at all times.

7) [or 6) if your habitual behavior is overeating] If you are home or can get to a rest room, brush your teeth as a symbol of starting a clean slate. This means carry a mini tube of toothpaste with you. Remember, this is no weirder than actions you’ve taken to get your old reward.

CONCLUSION

Most of the time, we develop habitual behavior because we experience grief, anger or limited self-esteem. These can come from abuse, crisis, death, sickness and whatever our mind conjures, since feelings are irrational and show up when they show up. Since we have a myriad of valuable skills from our habitual behavior, we are worthy, since worth is calculated by our collection of  respectable, attention-getting skills.

Even if we don’t feel it and even if no one has recognized us or commissioned us yet, we are worthy in terms of the definition.  In my personal opinion, everyone is worthy in some way, even if evaluators or teachers have not found the way for our subject to exhibit worthwhile behavior.

We can recognize, intellectually, anyway, that we have marketable, communication skills of merit by the very nature of our success at managing our habitual behavior. When we use them to the greater good (ours or that of the universe), we flourish. One step at a time, no thoughts, only action, power in our essence, using our valuable skills to change ourselves and the world.

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

When we do anything else, we are elevating our skill set. The great set of skills we develop through habit behavior is no exception. She says,

“We have lots of favorable circumstance, as long as we are able to notice it. When we are consumed with negative habitual behavior, our lives are chaotic, messy, explosive; and our vision is dim. We miss opportunities at every turn as we are busy rewarding ourselves. Until we replace our habit.

“We have the group of skills that can change a habit, get us a new career or creative project and take us in a new direction.

“It is not impossible; all it takes is blind repetition which takes only one step. There are many resources available to help along the way, including the action steps in this issue. They work. I know. Put on carriage horse blinders and choose your direction. You can do it.”

SOCIAL INFLUENCE, HABIT CHANGE AND WHAT’S MISSING! (ISSUE 98)

By Diane Gold

What is it with social influence and habit change? For habit change, it seems very obvious that people like support. And that more people change a habit using a buddy system or enlisting an accountability partner or group. This article will focus on what about groups helps us and what’s basic to success.

THE MOTIVATION WE GET FROM GROUPS

When thinking about social influence and habit change, I think of doing physical fitness like tai chi, going to the gym, going to a weight watch group, going to a rehab center. The function of each of these group activities is motivation of some kind. Let’s look at how the group motivates us.

1) We are social creatures and can enjoy being in the company of others.

2) Because we are the ultimate creatures of habit, a new group setting can be a safer environment than one we have been around when acting out our old habit.

3) We can get courage from hearing that someone else understands us, whether we are talking about drugs, weight loss or anything else.

4) Being with others is a big distraction that can assist us when breaking in a new habit. After all, when we are alone, we are our sole distraction, and the only person on whom we rely; but, in a group setting, we have more social influence keeping us on track.

5) Because we are so impressionable, for the most part, we pick up the habits of others. Therefore, if we are around people who are productive, we will be more inclined to be productive.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

We should note that the group experience is not everyone’s preference. If we look at how Americans spend their time, according to the America Time Use Survey, done by the U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics, a similar percentage of people work out alone as together. But this statistic is not specifically for habit change activity, so I would suspect if there were a time use survey done for people who are changing a habit, there would be more groupies than soloists.

SUCCESS RATE

When we look at the amount of people who go back to their old habits after six months, a year, five years; it can be disheartening. There’s an interesting statistical article from 2004 about how treatment doesn’t work at:
http://www.soberforever.net/currenttreatdoesnt.cfm.

Unfortunately, after writing about how treatment doesn’t work, the article’s publisher contradicts itself by saying its treatment facility has a success rate 30% higher than anyone else.

It is fairly accepted that most people who become residents in rehabilitation centers succeed between 3% and 10% of the time to maintain their habit change. The data at centers is usually compiled without scientific method, and, because individuals only answer survey questions to arrive at conclusive data, it is extremely difficult to maintain study integrity.

SIDEBAR

This fact reminds me of another modality whose studies are sporadic, don’t always use scientific method and are small. It’s how tai chi, which saves lives, does its magic. Studies that involve mind-body answers and compare one’s lifestyle before and after are very expensive. To conduct a nice-sized primary study (one that uses fresh data to arrive at conclusions vs. a secondary study that analyzes and interprets a primary study), it can cost $250,000 and that would be for a small mind-body study.

WHAT’S MISSING?

So, what’s missing from all these programs that include one-to-one therapy, group therapy, peer group therapy, tai chi, chi kung, yoga, massage, sauna, meditation, organic vegan food and more?

I’m going to repeat what makes up a habit: a cue, a behavior and the resulting reward. This habit model doesn’t change. So what are we shooting for?

When we go into a program and do all the therapies mentioned above, we have one purpose. It is to change a habit. This requires that a new system be put in place. To build this, we must change the mind and develop skill and build our foundation. After all, we need to have something to hold on to when our urges show up in order to direct us to execute our new behaviors we have developed.

BUILDING FOUNDATION

Let’s use how tai chi changes us since I have seen it first-hand in many hundreds of people. Any mind-body work or other creative discipline can do it as long as the instructor understands how foundation is built and instructs it starting with the basics.

People think tai chi is for exercise or defense, alone. It’s really for perception change. By doing a powerful exercise as tai chi is, we learn a systematic approach to movement. This system gives us tools to use in everyday life. As we acquire the patience to endure tremendous body exertion, we are learning a tool that works with anything in life. We have the understanding to know that the physical exertion and mental concentration needed to physically execute the movement is teaching us to follow through. And it is showing us we can do it.

This type of training gives us a foundation of skills that can be used to change a habit. They are self-esteem, pride, temperance, patience, tolerance, strength, balance and many more. These are the traits needed for habit change. If a rehab program misses teaching these skills through some type of system, the program participant is left in relatively the same condition as when s/he arrived, only learning a few rote skills which usually fade away, exposing the old habit.

CONCLUSION

We are socially influenced in many ways. When we see lots of people doing the same thing, we are more inclined to do that same thing. I always give the example of helping a fallen woman on the sidewalk. If no one has stopped to help, we are less likely to stop. If someone has already stopped to help, we will be more likely to inquire if we can help (unless we are public servants or feel like public servants and believe it is our duty to protect).

It’s the same if we surround ourselves with people who do not take drugs or drink or overeat or gamble. We will be more likely to accept behaving in a similar fashion, especially if they know we are working on habit change. If we keep repeating a new behavior in place of the old habit at the same time as building a personal foundation, we will succeed. And what’s missing at the start will no longer be missing. We will have developed, not only new behaviors, but a structure within ourselves that will sustain the way we wish to live.

ACTION STEP SEQUENCE

In order to see how easy it is to reach out to another, meaning, to form a group, here’s an action that might be helpful.

1)  Approach someone who is in your life or just someone you meet at the library or supermarket.

2)  Tell her (him) you are doing an experiment and that you need help one time between 6 pm and 7 pm one night this week. (It can be a different time.)

3)  Tell the person that, when you call, you will ask her to tell you how important you are to your mission.
_________

Let us know how it goes.
_______________________________________________________________
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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has been influenced by group dynamics and seen how others sometimes get trapped. She says,

“Fortunately, I was raised to be very independent. But groups still influence me. Whether we are helped by the group or our own personal way, the one that works is the right one for each of us.

“As for building a foundation, there’s only one way to go about it: one step at a time. Slowly, with consistency and follow-through. As we begin to build upon ourselves, we become very strong. Then we become the social influencers, and nothing more is missing.”

THE 5 BIGGEST MISTAKES OF HABIT CHANGE (ISSUE 96)

By Diane Gold

What if we could boil down the 5 biggest mistakes of habit change? Could we use them to make changing habits easier? And out of them create the 5 Commandments Of Habit Change?

Everything we read, hear, experience, learn, touch, smell, feel helps in the change process. But we always have to work hard to make change. I have turned myself inside out more than once, and I believe it to be a worthwhile activity.

MISTAKE 1) Look at more than one habit at a time.

In order to succeed, we must focus. We need one-pointed mind.

Remember the quote in The Last Samurai, where the Japanese general tells Tom Cruise’s character,

“Too many mind. No mind,”

when he is training him in the sword? (Go to http://000chi.com to hear the quote.)
Focus On One Habit At A Time

He is referring to our ping pong ball minds. When we look at many things, we lose focus of all of them. When we look at one thing, we are able to focus on it. One Habit At A Time!

MISTAKE 2) Picture the end result instead of the first step.

When learning to change a habit, looking too far ahead is usually a deal breaker. If we are looking at the end result, meaning that we changed our habit; it may look vast, overwhelming, impossible, certainly difficult that it’s quitting time, quitting the process of change, that is.

That’s why we only look at the very first step, whatever that step is for each of us at the moment. The first step is NOT the first step in the process. It is the one step directly in front of us. I realize that this same step may need to be done over and over and over again 25 times in one day. This depends upon how many times a cue, urge, trigger presents itself.

Here’s what I mean. Let’s say we decide that when we get the urge to __________, and I am leaving this blank so that any habit can be filled in; we will drink 16 ounces of water. We will also drink water before every meal. Supposedly, it’s difficult for the body to tell if it is hungry or thirsty, so water can fill us up, especially if we have the patience to wait 20 minutes (which most of us don’t) before we __________. Also, the act of drinking the water will change our focus from the ______________ to the water. It may be just enough to allow us not to ____________.

MISTAKE 3) Commit to change our habit forever.

When we decide we will change a habit forever, we are locking ourselves in a prison. To give up an old behavior is not as difficult if we tell ourselves that we might be able to go back to it at some point in the future. It makes it easier to start, and it is not as scary a process. Change A Habit For Today, Not Forever

It’s easier to say,

“I will do this today,”

than it is to say I will never do this again.

So, our change is for today, not for forever. One Urge At A Time.

MISTAKE 4) Stop doing the action that actually worked to get us to change our habit because we think it’s no longer necessary.

 How many times have we thought we had ourselves together, and we stopped behaving in the way that was working for us? We had changed our habit so long ago that we thought we could stop the technique that got us to change the habit?

This happens with the weight loss habit all day long. That’s why people lose weight for a year or five, then gain it back. That’s why substance abusers get clean for 10 years and then start their old behavior.

We can’t go to the track once; we can’t do drugs recreationally; we can’t eat chocolate cake for lunch. Because we will cause the cues to start hitting us in the head again. Kind of like a trigger on a gun that is broken. Every time it is fired, it cocks itself. And every time it is cocked, we have the itch to execute our old habit.

We can’t fight biology. Our habits live inside us, and we can’t take them out of us. We can choose to change a habit to make another dormant. If we stop the new, in most cases, we will revert back to the old way of behaving because it is so natural to us. That is why once we make a change, we have to maintain it for as long as we want the old habit to be hidden.

Here’s an example of how the habit of speaking one way reverts to an old way in a flash.

We speak with the accent of our region. The people around us sound the way we sound, and we sound the way they sound. No one in our region says we have an accent because we all speak similarly.

What happens if we move to a different region? According to our new neighbors, we have an accent. They sound like each other, and we don’t like them. People usually smile about it because we sound very much like the place from which we came. We smile, too.

So we end up living in the new region for about 10 years. And we start to sound more and more the way the people of the region sound. This is not really a phenomenon. It is a combination of:

1) wanting to fit in even if this desire is unconscious. We are human and we like to fit in;

2) learning our new accent unconsciously through continually hearing the new region speech all the time and, finally,

3) making an effort to learn the accent of the region so that we can further call it home.
What happens if our best friend from back in our old region comes to visit? We instantly start to speak the dialect or accent of our old region. In a flash. We go out to town to introduce our best friend, and we are speaking the way we were when we first arrived.

Here’s the explanation.

We learned our original habit, our accent from where we were born.

We changed this habit, partly by choosing to fit in and partly through unconscious, auditory repetition.

We changed our habit back to the original habit in a heartbeat because all our habits are always ours.

We choose a new behavior so as not to express the old habit. When we don’t, our old habit comes out (usually). So we need to be diligent even if we have been doing the new habit caused by the new action/behavior for a decade or longer.

The story about the accent focuses on a habit that is not harmful. And, most of the time, the accent habit situation is harmless. But what about the following scenario?

Imagine a U.S. Senator whose family members all speak street language. She was the only member of the family to go to school. She was raised on “ain’t,” “anyways,” “nucular energy,” “athalete,” “asterik,” “supposubly,” “mischieveeous.” She goes to visit her original home for a week and her entire family speaks their normal street speak to her or with her. Then she comes back to D.C.

All of a sudden, at a dinner with the President, she starts telling a story about her family. She forgets where she is and begins speaking in her old dialect with her old street slang.

People judge people by their speech. And people don’t use slang in the political halls of our government because of it. Bringing out her old habitual speech could have serious credibility consequences since the public must trust her and some of that public equates her speech with her ability to lead. Her constituents might lose trust in her; and political peers might judge her unworthy of her post.

Fortunately, if someone has become a U.S. Senator, she will have a strong foundation in having learned how to speak and know what to speak in front of whom. But the old speech is there like all our old habits.

5) Forget to enjoy the idea of the new action that led to the new habit which is what helped us conjure the power to change.

This does not apply at the beginning of the habit change process. For as long as it takes, we are learning a new set of behaviors, and enjoyment is important but second to doing the behavior without intellectualization.

The ONLY thing that is relevant is doing the new action. Nothing else.

Once we have accomplished doing the new action and have a routine going that includes the new behavior, we can rejoice in the fact that we have begun to change the habit and that we had the power to start. If we forget to be joyful which includes acknowledging ourselves for changing, we are missing out on the joy that can sustain the new behavior.

CONCLUSION

These 5 mistakes create powerful action steps from which to learn. They are simple ideas that, when executed, have much power, much wisdom and many success statistics.

Here are the steps:

ACTION STEPS – THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF HABIT CHANGE

1) Focus on one habit at a time!

2) Picture the first step in front of you now! When accomplished, picture the first step in front of you now!

3) Commit to change your habit for only the moment you have an urge or for an hour after it or for a day. Any longer is too overwhelming.

4) Continue doing the action that changed your habit, even if it doesn’t seem as if you need it.

5) Enjoy the idea that we have made the change (further on down the process).
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____________________________________________________________________
FEEDBACK

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DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has seen the same mistakes over and over when people change habits or make the attempt. She says,

“We can learn as much from our mistakes as from our successes. We may even learn more because we are acutely aware of our falling short of our goals and pay attention so that we can strive to reach them.

“We are fortunate to be able to learn from others’ shortcomings. All living things do. Because we have an emotional and ego-driven minds, it is not as easy for us to take the errors of others as gospel. We are often blinded by egos, unlike our animal friends. If they are blinded, it is usually by the need to survive.

“Let us turn these five mistakes of habit change into action steps. Each one has the potential to make the ultimate difference in the outcome of our goal for habit change.”

OUR PATH TO HAPPINESS: DO OUR GENES KNOW BEFORE WE DO? (ISSUE 92)

By Diane Gold

Whatever our path to happiness, it is what drives us, floats our boat and encourages us to behave the way we do. Sometimes, it can be judged as superficial ego stroking; other times, it is seen as deep, genuine and benevolent. Whatever it is for us, we might be interested to know that our genes, and not just the social networks, can tell the difference.
Happiness

Barbara L. Fredrickson of University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill et al and Steven W. Cole of UCLA, School of Medicine et al authored a July, 2013, study (published in the Proceedings of the National Academy Of Sciences) on how genetic expression is effected by the kind of happiness we seek. There is hedonic happiness, where we park ourselves at the local upscale restaurant’s bar for the purpose of being seen and getting photographed for the high society pages;  and there is eudaemonic happiness, where we devote ourselves to a societal goal or creative act to beautify the world.

Yes, it’s surprising that our biology is watching and reacting; there is more and more proof.

THE STUDY

The study included 80 subjects who took a verbal survey, had their blood drawn and data compiled. It turns out that the study clearly indicated different gene expression profiles for those people whose happiness had to do with a goal or higher purpose and those whose happiness was connected with superficial pleasures and instant, short-lived gratification. According to an article in The New York Times on the study findings, Gretchen Reynolds wrote,

“Gene expression is the complex process by which genes direct the production of proteins. These proteins jump-start other processes, which in the case of white blood cells, control much of the body’s immune response.”

She’s referring to the fact that the blood testing of these 80 healthy individuals showed profiles with relatively high levels of blood markers that are known to cause inflammatory response for those whose happiness was related to the hedonistic approach. Their antibody production seemed to be less than in those whose goals were more moralistic. The smaller part of the group whose happiness was more service-based had gene expression that raised antibody production and reduced inflammatory expression.

Steven W. Cole, co-author of the study and professor of medicine in California stated,

“Our genes can tell the difference,”

between a life of purpose and self-gratification, unrelated to the greater good.     Our Genes

WHY

It has been suggested that our genes are evolutionarily programmed to do the ultimate good to keep ourselves and humanity safe. The lead author, Steven W. Cole is quoted by Christopher Bergland in Psychology Today, when referring to why the genes express differently, based on what different people feel,

“likely evolved to help the immune system counter the changing patterns of microbial threat that were ancestrally associated with changing socio-environmental conditions; these threats included bacterial infection from wounds caused by social conflict and an increased risk of viral infection associated with social contact. But in contemporary society and our very different environment, chronic activation by social or symbolic threats can promote inflammation and cause cardiovascular, neuro-degenerative and other diseases and can impair resistance to viral infections.”

It’s pretty amazing at how our genes have protected us and continue to protect us from internal and social threats. Pretty fascinating!

CHANGING

This article is not suggesting we make changes, that is, change our habits to those that include giving, sharing, helping, doing service. It is, however, informing and reinforcing the idea that if we don’t, our bodies may become weaker.

It would serve all of us if we used the concepts in this study wisely. Whether we decided to run a store to give free sandwiches to the poor or we decide to work on our own physical fitness so that we can be a better and healthier family member; we would ultimately achieve that deeper happiness because our genes would tell the right proteins to fire so we would live longer and more healthily.

In order to feel the deep or the shallow happiness, and no one here is judging which is better, we must be alive and well. Therefore, we are recommending that it is worth thinking twice from now on about how to act in the name of happiness.

It’s one thing to go from activity to activity, always looking for the next great kick. It is another to build a foundational difference in the world or in ourselves. The bottom line is that now we can attach a scientific reason to taking care of ourselves and others.

ACTION STEPS

NOTE

The following are a series of simple questions to ponder. Do not judge yourself. Only consider truthfully. If it pleases you, number a page from 1 to __, and write down your considerations and the date.

1)  Consider which is better for you, your favorite quick fix or a project where you are making a difference.

2)  Consider what your favorite quick fix is, and, on a scale of 1 to 10, how healthy is it for you, 10 being very healthy.

3)  Consider what your favorite “making a difference project is, and, on a scale of 1 to 10, how healthy is it for you.

4)  Consider how many people’s lives you could impact with your project.

5)  Consider which is better for you, your favorite quick fix or a project where you are making a difference.

6)  Do the activity you have considered as most pleasing to you with extra gusto.

CONCLUSION

It is fascinating that our genes which control whether things do or do not become, in many cases, respond to tension, release and, apparently, innate tendencies. Because of this and since we are speaking about it now, it is a great time to take a self-look.

____________________________________________________________________

FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has always been fascinated by genetics. She says,

“Happiness comes from within. The instantly gratifying activities we do or actions we take count for fun but can easily go away. We each choose how to live, and whatever that is, it is right for us at the time we choose it. We can be confident in that!

“Looking at the ways others obtain happiness will not trick our genes. Obviously, they feel us closely. Therefore, considering inner balance is a worthwhile effort.”

HABIT MASTERS; WE ARE (ISSUE 90)

By Diane Gold

Habit masters, we are. During our forming period, we don’t think about it, often. Once the habit is formed, we don’t think about it either. Unless it impedes our lives.

Both habits and mastery require many lessons. They are both learned behaviors that require extreme repetition. Habits are responses we cultivate as a reaction to a certain feeling, urge, itch, trigger, craving. With repetition, these responses become semi-automatic behaviors that become part of our infrastructure until we change them. Mastery is a state of prowess developed through repeating any skill set.
Wouldn’t that make us habit masters?

COMMONALITY

So, here’s the habit infrastructure as we know it: urge leads to behavior leads to reward. We feel an urge. We do something about the urge. Our behavior gives us a reward. (Such as right now, sitting here, writing, in a doctor’s office near the health food¸ my trigger was writing the word “craving,” believe it, or not. My behavior will be to go get a frozen vegan pretzel product which is one of the only processed foods I allow myself, with lots of control so that I don’t do it every week.) My reward will be the realization of my own drooling for a pretzel (unless I decide to temper the urge by drinking two glasses of water, to quote my own advice).

When we get the same urge over and over and do the same behavior to answer the urge, isn’t that actually mastering the management of that urge? In some cases, this “management” supports our positive life style. In others, the habit burdens us or diminishes our effective productivity.

Obviously, when we hold a door for someone because we want the reward of being seen as or seeing ourselves as humanitarians, this is a great habit. When we get the urge to eat sweets, such as cookies or cake, and we answer that call by eating a whole bag of cookies or an entire cake; we may increase our weight, tax the body’s ability to healthily process glucose and develop the loss of urge control: a non-supporting habit.

When we drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve, that may be considered a harmless ritual, unless we learn to repeat that ritual over and over again several times daily.

When we eat snack foods that are made of fake food, we are cultivating a habit that is not good for our health. Unfortunately, often times, snacks are purchased because they fill us up on a severely restricted budget. Even more dismaying is that children will learn to eat poorly because their families cannot afford properly nutritious food. Or do their families not even know the ills of junk food because they, themselves, were raised on the same snacks?

WHY SNACKS

When we are young, many of us have been given snack foods for various reasons. Here are the more common reasons why:

1) Our families want us to stop demanding attention from them, so they bribe us into complacency by feeding us snacks, which often cause hyperactivity so we become more demanding.

2) Our parents, not knowing the pollution in snack foods, want us to be happy and want to show they love us, so they let us eat snacks the way their parents were raised.  And, chances are, parents raised before the 1980s,  did not begin in-depth food education in their early childhood education.

When I went to school, which was in the 50s and 60s, we made chocolate pudding or Kool-Aid in school as part of our cooking class. Sadly, nutrition was never part of the lesson, other than a tomato was red, it was spelled t-o-m-a-t-o and it was a fruit. (An Oxford Dictionaries review stated why the tomato is a fruit and I realized that the green pepper [or any color capsicum] “grows from the ovary in the base of the flower,” so just like tomatoes, are actually fruits, but used as vegetables in cooking.

NOTE

Starting with the Millenial Generation (Gen Y) – that is everyone born from the early 1980’s and afterward, will have access to more appropriate eating patterns than any generations before. There will also be more creative ways to eat well on less money because of global awareness due to global communications technology.

3) The most frequent reason people eat snack food is because healthier food is more expensive.

FACT

Just the other day, I spoke to a seventy-something who was the legal guardian to a child under seven. She received some $16 a month in food stamps, and the child received $29 for the month in food stamps. True, the woman was supposed to be receiving child support from each of the child’s parents, which was why the food assistance allotment was so low, but each parent was not able to contribute. There are companies that make little snack packs of processed food knowing the financial constraints exist more often than not. And they take that to the bank.

THE HABIT

Whether we repeat our training, we learn, whether it’s riding a bike, learning to walk, learning to swim, answering our food urge mechanism by eating snack foods, answering our alcohol trigger by drinking to excess; we learn well how to immerse ourselves in the habit.

It is said by scientific reporting that we don’t forget our habits; they are always there. Bike riding and swimming are two great examples. We still have those skills even if we take a thirty year break. Or, let’s look at drug use. People who take a thirty year break from taking drugs will be the first ones to tell you the habit is there; they are just not exercising it for the day.

Habits don’t go away. We are habit masters.

ACTION STEPS

The skills used to develop a habit are focus, repetition and follow through. These are the skills needed to change a habit, too. Of course, passion is involved in the original learning and should one choose to make a change.

Once we master one path to a habit, developing a new habit is not foreign to us; and it will be easier to develop a new one.

With that said, here’s the set of steps:

1)   Identify a skill set you have.

2)   Recall the amount of training you needed to learn it.

3)   Identify a habit you have.

4)   Recall all the times you repeated it to develop it.

So now that we have proved these major similarities,

5)   Pick a habit that you want to change.

6)   Focus on a new behavior to the old urge.

7)   Repeat the new behavior the same time every day or several times a day.

8)   Be consistent.

9)   Write about it so that we can post it or not (your choice).

10) Notice what keeps getting in the way, if anything.

11) Write about it and contact us.

12) Keep working it until you are experienced at the habit change.

CONCLUSION

If we have followed these action steps, we will have a habit to put with all the others. We are, again, the habit master.

The trick, as I have found it, is to notice that, if we leave thinking out of it, we can accomplish mastery. We can tell ourselves that we will think later, since we are too busy acting.

Our mission is in front of us, shielded from distraction. Once again, we will become habit masters.
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FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition and habit change.

She has worked with many people as a teacher and has had the opportunity to see the way that they proceed towards a goal, whatever that is. She says,

“Although there are many people out there who say one group is different from another and one person is different from another, these statements have merit. We look different. Our personalities are different. The societies we choose may be different. The way we raise our families may be different. The pain we have suffered at the hands of some other group is different.

“What turns out to be the same is the way we work as human beings. our infrastructure. No matter what, when we feel an urge, we choose a way to behave even if that choice develops a habit without control. Makes me wonder how the prejudice habit actually began.

“The same is true for matters of the heart. We are similar within a realm. We all act with or without jealousy, we act with some brand of morality and we all cry when we are hurt. We all want to be loved, recognized, respected and important to some cause. We all pursue what is important to us.

“So I conclude that we are more the same than anything else. If aliens came to invade the planet, we would all work together to sustain humankind.

“Which is why I say we are habit masters, well trained in what we have repeated a lot. This doesn’t vary from person to person. The technique to change a habit varies slightly from person to person. But if we stop distracting thoughts and do the task at hand, we become the same as our sisters and brothers of other tribes and masters of our habits.”

ARE YOU LIBERATED? AND WHAT THAT MEANS FOR HABIT CHANGE (ISSUE 88)

By Diane Gold

YOU ARE LIBERATED

“You are liberated,”

was the response I got when my student asked me my age, and I told her with no hesitation. She then responded that she doesn’t share her age. Her withholding her age is part of a social more that is, in my opinion, holding us from being liberated.

Hearing these words brought back a whole series of memories starting with a story my mother told me about her childhood. Now, I know that I have always been an explorer and that if a rule or tradition didn’t make sense to me, I always questioned it. I was encouraged to do so by both my parents.

Let’s go back to my mom. She was extremely free, meaning that she didn’t live by societal rules that were empty, prejudiced and thoughtless. She was ahead of her time, realizing her self-worth as more than a housewife and a mother. She was a great example of the Women’s Liberation Movement that was prevalent in my youth in the 60s, even though she was not from that generation. And she passed it on to me.

So, let’s backtrack to when my mom was one-year-old. (This photo is not my mom. Because of her free spirit, I believe she would laugh if she saw this representation. This photo is used with lots of love and memories of nurturing.) She told me that she loved to see a plate break on the floor, that she would laugh with abandon at this phenomenon. Maybe it was the excitement of seeing the pieces scatter. It was a favorite activity, nonetheless. And my grandfather used to buy her plates so that she could knock them off her highchair so that she could laugh and be free. Yes, he was liberated, too.

My grandfather was a great fan of the second-hand store, which we now know as the thrift store. I got some of my most precious toys from his jaunts to this type of store. Apparently, this is the kind of store from which he bought plates for my mother to break. He was encouraging of her happiness and thought this would make her a free and happy human being.

Most parents would discipline their children away from this type of behavior at this young age. Of course, at some point, my mother was taught that plates are for eating and not for throwing. But the freedom she had in her formative years surely affected her. I firmly believe that this type of childhood education allowed my mother to be the free and happy spirit she was.

I did not throw plates, but I was encouraged to be my own person, ask questions about anything for the purpose of becoming a productive and liberated person. I can’t swear that my parents were thinking of the word “liberation” when they were raising me. They just saw no need to teach me to be seen and not heard as was and still is a popular method of child-rearing. Personally, I think this method can repress a child’s spirit and disable a child’s curiosity. Respect for elders and familial hierarchy can be taught in many ways, but free speech, in my opinion, should begin at the earliest of ages.

This leads me to the idea that when people are repressed due to upbringing, they tend to end up with less than even temperament, such as bossy or submissive. These traits usually cause some sort of life tension.

OLD-SCHOOL CLARIFICATION

Let me clarify that many people raised in the “be seen and not heard” old-school philosophy are successful, happy, shining and wonderfully balanced. There are, however, many of us raised with restrictions every time we turn around, such as don’t speak unless we are asked a question, always be available as a servant to our parents, all friends must be researched for family stature and then brought to the house for approval; we are often stressed, repressed and depressed because of it. Certainly, we are rarely liberated and feel the pain of not being trusted.

I’m not suggesting that all parents should buy plates for their kids and let them toss a plate from the high mount, the highchair. I’m also aware that there’s no proof this plate activity had the huge influence on my mom that it could have since this event does not have a control subject meaning we had life-long data on another subject of my mother’s age who wanted to throw plates and was restricted from doing it. My mother was one of the most balanced human beings I ever met, and her father assessed the wonderful laughter that came from this plate activity as good for her.

NON-SUPPORTIVE PARENTS

Many parents, due to frustration, money problems or runoff behavior from their parents, may not treat us well as children. These actions certainly shape us and affect the way we see the world. They do not have to define us.

RESULTS

For those of us who wish to keep what we have been given in our upbringing,  this is our choice. We have to notice whether it is hurting us or not. I am the first one to say that traditions which are the habits of our family or tribe can be bolstering, rooting, unifying. However, if these habits or the perceptions from these habits hurt us, action would be a good choice.

THE LIST

Here is a sample list of habits developed from society or upbringing. These may or may not support our lives. When there is anxiety attached to any of these, action may be in order. Action is liberation.

1) We hide our age because we will be judged by it. Unfortunately, society does judge us by age. Revealing age out loud helps us adjust to it. It also can reduce the amount of judgment initiated about such a superficial trait.

2) We don’t speak up due to our self-image. This usually has to do with the fact that we are younger, older, the minority sex in the group, the wrong sexual orientation, a woman whose place (in in someone else’s mind) is in the home, the wrong nationality, religion or socio-economic level.

Today’s New York Times talked about scientific studies of how people who lived in poverty in their early years maintain the scars of this experience their whole lives and live shorter lives as a result. Unless they address their feelings.

3) We maintain a stance of submission. When we have been encouraged to be silent and non-assertive or when our families have ridiculed us, we have not worked at our assertive selves. Much like debate class prepares us to speak up, speaking out as children gives us the experience we need. If we have not been encouraged to do so, the repetition necessary to learn to be assertive may be missing. And, often times, it is easier to stay with what we know. Even if it eats at us.

ACTION STEPS FOR LIBERATION

1) Define one of the habits you have that causes discomfort. Do so by writing it down in a one or two paragraph statement. This can be solely for you, so there is no need to hold back.

2) Once you have the habit defined (let’s say, for example, that you don’t speak because of past negative reinforcement), go to the mirror in the morning and say to yourself,

“I restrict myself from speaking because my parents told me I wasn’t a good speaker. This is totally incorrect. I am a good speaker, and I am a valuable human being.”

3) Repeat this mirror behavior in the evening and alone, possibly when you are in the bathroom.

4) Repeat this morning and evening mirror work for a week.

5) If you have successfully completed a week, write a paragraph about your new found comfort with yourself. This paragraph is not dependent upon whether you feel the comfort level or not.

6) Read the paragraph in the mirror. An example paragraph might be,

“I certainly feel confident in myself. I can read this paragraph well. I know the more I read it, the more comfortable I will become. The more I feel good about my ability to speak, the smoother it will sound. The smoother it sounds, the more I will want to speak more openly. The more I speak more openly, the more ability I will obtain. I am a good speaker, and I am a valuable human being.”

7) Read this paragraph once or twice a day for a week.

8) If you have succeeded at reading for a week, add a week.

9) If you have succeeded at two weeks, add a third week. Feel free to change the paragraph that you are reading.

10) Know that you have taken the step has become your new habit.

CONCLUSION

When we are held down by our habits, whether from the constant memory of a family member or a bully saying we are worthless, or having to act like a Cinderella servant,  we repetitively are trapped experiencing the same feelings over and over again. We take on habits we don’t even know we have, and they form us.

Sometimes, we don’t realize we have them until we are passing them on to our children. Only then do we recognize how influential our childhood was and how impressionable we were to have kept a habit that does not positively support our life.

There is always time to change a habit. The beginning only takes one step. Just as the mind can be liberated in one thought, it is the one step that starts the process. If we are not liberated as we read this and we choose to be, we can liberate ourselves now by taking one step. We must be patient with ourselves since our habit was not made overnight. We must repeat the step until it becomes familiar. Slowly, the step will become the habit, and the reward will be there.
____________________________________________________________________

FEEDBACK

Please leave  a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition.

She has always believed it is almost as important to free ourselves inside as outside. There are ways to proceed that can make it easy. She says,

“It is devastating for people who do not have their physical freedom. But, for those who do, it is important to work on our inner freedom. Through small, continual steps, we can have this. No exclusive technique or direction is needed, only that we work on ourselves in some way. A little bit every day.

“This work can be done in honor of those who do not have their physical freedom and in hopes that we can all live with some freedom, inside and out.”

HOW WATER WORKS ON HABIT CHANGE (ISSUE 87)

By Diane Gold

Water works on habit change. It has a profound influence on whatever we are doing. If we are working on changing a habit, we need it. If we are thirsty, the body is already deprived, but it hydrates us. Water flushes out toxins; it balances the chemicals that make us human; it combines with the nutrients from our food. It keeps our health.

THE ACT OF DRINKING WATER, THE BEHAVIOR

We know that, in order to change a habit, we are going to plan a new behavior to activate when we get our urge, our cue, our itch instead of following through with our behavior we have decided to change. Here’s an example behavior with overeating. When we sit down to eat, and we find ourselves salivating and ready to gobble down every last drop of our food because we can never get enough food at 100 pounds overweight, we can use this pre-planned strategy, which works for most habits:

ACTION STEP

Before sitting down to eat (or even if we eat standing up), pour two glasses of water for ourselves. Before we allow ourselves to take a bite to eat, we drink all the water. We do this at every meal, including snacks.

We can think of the beautiful water supply from which it came, if it is clean water and conjure a picture of wonderful waterfalls surrounding it. Secondly, we can honor those who do not have clean water or any water at all by being grateful for the water in front of us. This mental exercise helps insure the water is drunk with no excuses.

THE RESULT

The body is somewhat sated and has the control to eat the meal at a healthy speed, chewing many times (25 X per mouthful is a good start). We will also eat less. Yes, we will become hungry again after we have finished the meal. However, the water may give us control not to run and eat again.
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PROOF OF MY OWN

I recall that drinking water was a way I used to reduce my urges. On many occasions, I actually lost the desire to overindulge from the act of drinking water. The removal of desire was not permanent, but it is became very manageable and rarely reappears. Sleep often followed this remedy so that I didn’t chance that the urge would reappear again and tempt me to have an additional meal or substance.

The idea of taking away my appetite for whatever it was I wanted often made me REFUSE to drink water. Why would I want to get in the way of satisfying my own urge? As time went on, though, I realized that the technique of using water as a friendly control tool, was changing my understanding of myself. Even if part of me resisted it, once the water was down, I wanted to forego the old habit and a new reward took its place, that wonderful feeling of having changed myself. I still feel it all over my body, inside and out. I smile at the way the mind pulls us and marvel that I have discovered how to adjust it with a plan, some faith in myself and repetition.

Here’s another relevant personal tidbit. My precious cat is usually on a weight loss or weight maintenance diet. He quickly changes his behavior when there is no food in his dish. He goes out to play or, like me, goes to sleep.

THE SCIENCE

There are lots of people who know that water helps habit change. Most don’t know that , according to a study by Almiron-Roig & Drewnowski, 2003, and DellaValle et. al., 2005, in the Journal of Physiology & Behavior, energy drinks increase food consumption, compared to water or non-energy, artificially- sweetened drinks. (It has been shown that artificial sweeteners can be carcinogenic and are still under study, so I recommend water). I don’t know the sample size or technique used in this study.

More recent than that is a 2009/2010 study performed by Brenda Davey, Ph.D., of Virginia Tech University, et. al. with 24 subjects. This study demonstrated that water, drunk prior to a meal, reduced energy intake (which we call the amount of food we eat) in older, overweight adults. Although the sample of test subjects was small, it finally demonstrated what many people have been saying for years.

THE EXCUSES

Here are reasons why people don’t drink water. Know them, bypass them and go drink:

1) It’s not always convenient to stop and get water.

2) It makes our stomachs puff out, and we don’t like to see that.

3) It flushes out the many toxins that are produced during weight loss which is necessary and good. The result is we have to use the bathroom much more often, which is a chore for the lazy.

4) We don’t feel thirsty. Once we feel thirsty, we are already dehydrated, and we have already taxed our bodies too much.

5) We know water will take away our urge and we want to get the old reward of our urge that is not supporting our positive life style. And it’s hard to let go of this.

CONCLUSION

What I have learned from changing habits is this: water cuts the appetite, water cuts urges, water makes us healthy and water sustains our lives. If we have access to it, we can use it for all these things.

Before we close, I want to make sure to mention some water facts. These facts do not take away from the fact that to change a habit requires will power galore. They just bring to light the fact that we are not the only ones with issues.

THE FACTS

1) Over three-quarters of a billion people lack access to clean water.

2) Only 63% of people have a sanitation facility. That means 1.1 billion people (estimated from WHO/UNICEF Joint Monitoring Programme) defecate in the street.

3) More than 80% of sewage in developing countries goes untreated to pollute rivers, lakes and coasts.

4) 90% of all disease comes from feces.

5) According to water.org, a $25 donation will supply clean water for one person for life.

In honor of those who have less,

CONCLUDING ACTION STEPS

1) Continue the two-glass technique until you feel some modicum of control over your most out-of-control urges.

2) Repeat this technique for seven days. If successful, go 14 more days.

3) Once you have completed 21 days, think of drinking water as a method to change your biology for the rest of your life. This method needs to be continued, since habits we change usually live in us in a dormant state.

4) Once you have completed 21 days, as you drink water on purpose, congratulate yourself.

5) Every day, don’t wait until the body is thirsty. This taxes the body. Drink at regular intervals. In keeping water drinking high, we have a good chance of staying in command of our urges.
____________________________________________________________________

FEEDBACK

Please leave a comment and LIKE.

DIANE GOLD, AUTHOR

Diane Gold, Founder of Warriors of Weight, Turning Habits Into Health, is a mentor in tai chi, kung fu and meditation, a music, fitness and stress expert, dedicated mom, studying plant-based nutrition.

She is pleased to have lived long enough to discover herself well. She says,

“I am not special in developing self-control and the ability to know myself. I believe we can all do it, if we devote the time and follow a technique. And here’s a secret. Even if we don’t believe in ourselves, as long as we follow the technique, we’ll succeed anyway. It’s the doing that matters; the belief comes later.”